Cooked myself dinner

[TornApart]

I cooked myself dinner. Yes, I know that isn't a big achievement, but it took everything I had left the other day. I remembered how shattered I was back at the beginning and how all the Chapter 2 widdas counselled me to take one step at the time. Back then even getting  out of bed and getting dressed was all I was capable of.

 

I was almost as exhausted this week, and how the loneliness and apathy came back to me. A shitty, shitty week after a month of not sleeping properly even after prescription sleeping tablets, not having time to eat, and coming back to an empty house with no one to hold me, listen, cook me dinner and just take the load for a bit... took me back. It surprised me, to be honest, at over 4 years out. I thought I was so tough and independent. I've got it together. I've moved on.

 

But it was a reminder to still be gentle on myself. To realise that this grief will never quite be gone. A revelation that I am lonely underneath my busy, purpose-filled life. That I still have to take the time to take care of myself and not run myself into the ground. To give myself a break.

 

So I cooked myself a healthy dinner. Sometimes you just have to give yourself credit for the littlest things. And put off the huge scary things like finding a new partner to share the highs and lows with.

 

Sending thoughts to all of you that are 'beyond active grieving' but still struggling to cook dinner for yourselves. Because it is still freaking hard some days.

[Guest TooSoon]

I hear you, I got my taxes in before the deadline for the first time in six years this year and I told my accountant that in my world it was an occasion that seemed to warrant champagne. 

 

Yes, self-care is so important.  Even though I've recently married (to "adp"), I still have some weird moments of the past burbling up, grief creeping in - especially when I am tired and overwhelmed.  I chalk it up as part of the deal now and just let it happen. 

 

I've had a shitty semester in a lot of ways.  The first four years after Scott died, sure, I grieved hard but I had to put a good face on things most of the time.  We still aren't settled in our permanent life/work situation so I take the joy wherever and whenever I can get it.  I'm still exhausted from it all. 

 

Lots of love to you. 

[Needytoo]

I also feel like you TornApart. I am busy and have a purpose but that loneliness is really showing its nasty self.

After all these years I do know how important it is to be kind to yourself and I wonder how I did it before in that former self. 

 

I hope one day very soon we all find that special someone. 

[donswife]

I find cooking dinner to be very hard.

I used to love it and looked forward to spending a lot of time cooking , getting all the food (weekends )

It is odd how cooking for two and now cooking for one ,can change so much in terms of emotion and energy 

From the heartbreak of going to the grocery store to just at this point caring what you are cooking

I know its just dinner but it is a reminder of how our lives have changed , and it sucks !