Today is a very weird day

[BrokenHeart2]

It has hit me hard today that I don't have anyone who really knows me and what I've been doing or what is happening with me. Nobody, nada and that makes me sad and lonesome even more for DH.

I had a gentleman friend visit last night for dinner a drinks, first time ever happened, I knew I was safe to do this.  Wow, I learned real early it wasn't a good idea, I'm no where ready for any kind of anything even after 4 yrs.  He is still too much in my heart. I refrained but all I wanted to do was talk about my DH.  DH was so prevalent in my mind.  That's not fair to anyone, I sure would hate it if the shoe was on the other foot.  So this surely was a lessons learned thing.  I have a lot more work to do. I'm not actively grieving but at the same time I guess I'm just not ready for anything else yet either.  That's ok though. Maybe I just need someone to rock my world the way DH did.

[ATJ]

 

It has hit me hard today that I don't have anyone who really knows me and what I've been doing or what is happening with me. Nobody, nada and that makes me sad and lonesome even more for DH.

 

((BrokenHeart2))

 

Not to feel truly known by anyone is the greatest loneliness there is. It is the ‘solitary confinement of the soul’. - One can be surrounded by people and lead a busy social life - and Yet, feel deeply lonely, constantly wearing an invisible mask. Often, and sadly, even people with whom we have had personal connections for years, sometimes do not really know our inner core. There can be an invisible barrier, either subconsciously erected on their part or ours.

 

Some people may put us into a box and want to keep us there because it makes them more comfortable – OR, for some subliminal reason, WE may have trust issues with them when it comes to our most vulnerable self. It takes a true soul connection, vibrating on the same frequency, in order to totally feel at ease and ‘at home’ with someone. In my own experience that has been very rare.

 

You are not alone in your predicament, others have struggled and expressed this in their own ways:

 

“Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.”

-- Jim Morrison

 

“The ache for Home lives in all of us,

  The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.”

 

~~ Maya Angelou

 

We all need a home for our heart and soul - it is one of the most fundamental human needs.

 

…” even after 4 yrs….  He is still too much in my heart. I refrained but all I wanted to do was talk about my DH.  DH was so prevalent in my mind. – “I'm not actively grieving but at the same time I guess I'm just not ready for anything else yet either."

 

“Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its color.”

~~ W.S. Merwi

 

 

Unfortunately, grief is a highly individual experience and does not follow a specific timeline nor adhere to a logical formula - It takes as long as it takes, which sounds like a banality, but is true.- Even when people have identical PHYSICAL wounds, and are being given the same level of care and treatment, they heal at a different pace.

 

Therefore, the temptation often arises to quickly want to find a solution - a “fix” - in the form of human connections, even as they may not really meet our deepest needs. It is only natural not wanting to hurt anymore – either physically or emotionally.

 

“The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters.”

~~ Friedrich Nietszche

 

 

 

“May you be able to accept the seasons of your heart

just as you have always accepted that seasons pass over the fields.

May serenity be yours as you walk through the winters of your grief.”

 

~~ Kahlil Gibran –

 

Wishing you Healing and Blessings,

 

ATJ

 

[BrokenHeart2]

ATJ Thank you for hearing my heart, that's what you do in your special way.  You posted  ‘solitary confinement of the soul’ Yes it is.  Soul crushing actually.  I so love your connecting posts.  I miss you!!  I know that may sound corney but ATJ brings gifts to all of us no matter where we are.

[JeanGenie]

It has hit me hard today that I don't have anyone who really knows me and what I've been doing or what is happening with me. Nobody, nada and that makes me sad and lonesome even more for DH.

 

BH2, Oh how I can relate to this as these thoughts cross my mind so often. We seem to be in a similar place, that fine line when we think we're ready for someone else in our life to fill that void but then scared to death and not really ready. Since my DH and I were together since I was 19, I am unfortunately learning for the first time how to live alone and I also realize there's more work to be done there. In the meantime, though, I thankfully have some wonderful friends in my life, some that I've met through this board, that have helped fill some of the void in my life and care what is happening with me. For them, I am thankful and try to focus on that.

 

ATJ, thanks for your words... Very poignant and eloquent.

 

[ATJ]

 

BrokenHeart2,

 

Thank you for your kind words. I am glad that you were able to draw some small measure of comfort from my expressed thoughts - if only momentary. I have not walked in Your precise shoes, and the distance between our respective losses is great. But I do remember that ‘soul crushing’ feeling you alluded to very vividly, as well as the conflicting, often colliding emotions. Widowhood is a broad ‘umbrella term’, and the only completely unambiguous correlation between the club members’ circumstances is a dead spouse. While there are MANY commonalities, there are also infinite nuances, and sometimes even stark differences between our individual situations, and therefore it is a fallacy and futile endeavor to compare ourselves to others in ‘measuring progress’. I had to learn that the hard way. Thus, I am highly reluctant to dispense advice or impart ‘wisdom’ gained, but only try to lend a supporting hand - and sometimes just listening and hearing the other person’s cry may be most helpful.

 

However, I do remember my desperate attempts to ‘let go’ and leave behind the pain, especially the great inner isolation you have described. Often I doubted my judgment and recuperative capacity when I saw other ships passing me on the ‘ocean of grief’ with seemingly great ease, while I struggled to ‘right the ship’ and reset my course.

 

I had always taken charge of my life, no matter how challenging the circumstances or steep the hurdles, but THIS was an experience unlike any other and only allowed me to proceed at glacial pace. I often felt like an outsider, even among my fellow widows, and began losing my sense of stride. My path has taken so many twists and turns during the labyrinthine marathon that I often lost my sense of orientation along the way, and the word ‘surreal’ most aptly described my predominant frame of mind.

 

I traversed deep valleys, climbed steep, rugged mountains, and sometimes simply stood still for a while from sheer exhaustion and lack of visibility of the course ahead. And just when I thought that the road had evened out a bit, I often found myself in an unexpected minefield, with exploding, hidden grenades. –

 

It was hard enough to ‘let go’, but equally challenging to start over, and with every step forward, I often had to retrace my steps and circumvent buried landmines – a most frustrating, wearisome experience, especially when I thought I had gained small triumphs. I do offer this insight with a great caveat, because MY experience does not necessarily reflect that of others.

 

 

"Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go,

  but rather learning to start over."

 

~~ Nicole Sobon

 

I found both challenges testing my endurance level, often to the breaking point. Also, I have to admit that this ‘journey’ (what a quaint & trite euphemism!) has been the most humbling experience of my life, because it seemed like a perpetual apprenticeship - constantly ‘going back to class’ and having to learn new lessons, without ever receiving a diploma, and even having to learn to walk all over again.

 

 

 

While life in general is a continual process of personal evolution with its associated ‘growing pains’, THIS has had the added burden of carrying a heavy residual ballast on my shoulders and made progress much more laborious, slow and exhausting. - But, onwards we must go and not let headwinds weaken our resolve and perseverance! -  That was my steady mantra, and I have come a long way since then.

 

‘The Climb’

- by Emma Nurton -

 

Climbing up a mountain,

Pulling yourself higher and higher.

Out of the pit of misery.

 

Things seem to look brighter.

Grass is growing, Birds are singing,

And the sun emerges from the clouds.

 

Then you start to slip,

To lose your grasp,

And down you fall.

 

Not quite to the bottom,

Just teetering on a ledge.

Could you go over at any moment,

Have you the strength to climb again?

 

The pain of your cut soul

Burns like a fire,

The anger, hurt and frustration

Come flooding back into your mind.

 

The fight for survival starts again -

Overcome the fear,

Search for the holds,

Rely on the support from before.

 

I know it's going to be difficult,

But you did it once,

You can do it again.

Remember, you're not the only one -

 

Out there are other climbers,

Fighting their own battles,

Searching their own soul,

And conquering their own mountains.

 

    -------------

 

 

 

 

Keep on climbing, BrokenHeart! May the mountains gradually become small, easy hills,

granting you respite and unexpected beauty along the way.

 

Wishing you sunny and happy days ahead!

 

 

“Happiness, that grand mistress of the ceremonies in the dance of life,

impels us through all its mazes and meanderings,

but leads none of us by the same route.”

 

~~ Charles Caleb Colton

 

 

ATJ

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Awe ATJ once again such wonderful comforting words.  You're pictures are so beautiful and fitting!! And yes, I will keep on climbing!

Thank you JG!! We are travelling such a similar path! May it level out soon!!