2.5 weeks since I lost my Bubs.

[meemzi]

2.5 weeks

 

A couple weeks ago, my sweet love ended his 10-year battle with mental illness. His last few weeks were really tough. (His last few years were tough.) He was the sweetest person. He went out of his way to give money local homeless people. He spent a lot of time helping other people with schizophrenia. He gave them money so they could afford their prescriptions.  Even on his last day he was chatting with people online, encouraging them and empathizing with them.

 

My counselor said I'm still in shock and that it could last a month or two. I don't really mind - part of me wants the breakdown to come but part of me knows that when it does, I'll feel the guilt and regret without the fog of denial.

 

Sometimes I think, "This sucks. I really feel like shit. But! When I get home, he'll be waiting and I can sit myself down on his lap and he'll make it all better." And then I remember.

 

I have so many questions for him. Some don't surprise me. (Why did you have to go so soon?) And some make me laugh. (Am I supposed to use your fancy protein powder after any workout or just weight lifting? You're right about cardio: It's great for stress and super boring. Where did you put your wireless headphones? Can I borrow them? Do you like the urn your brother picked out for you?)

 

My family has been wonderful - I've only spent one night alone since it happened. His family has been wonderful. They love me and we're all taking care of each other.

 

I've never lost anyone before, but I have a pretty excellent support system.

 

I would so love a sign from him at this point but he suffered so much. I don't want him to be worrying or sending signs. I want him to be resting in the most peaceful peace anyone could ever rest in. I don't even know if I would accept the message, given the nature of his mental illness and my general skepticism.

 

So hello, Widda. It's terrible to meet you.

[WifeLess]

meemzi,

 

Again, welcome to Young Widow Forum and sorry for your loss.

 

Yes, the shock will eventually wear off, but it may take longer than a month or two. As it does I hope you will find a measure of comfort here.

 

--- WifeLess

[MR]

Hi meemzi,

Sorry to see you here. Good support system at home is important and for rest we are here. Please keep posting.

 

Hugs

Manoj

[rooshy]

Hello Meemzi,

 

    I am glad that you found our group online, but not for the reason why you had to find us.  I am very happy that you have a great support system.  We can help you with the rest.  My husband died in January 2011, and Chapter 2/widda.org has been an essential part of my recovery.

 

Rooshy