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Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...


arneal
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... if I'm committed, my partner comes first. (and yes, I think a child's NEEDS must come first, but the RELATIONSHIP between parent and child does not.) 

 

^^ I agree!

 

Took a few days off this week to go visit the in-laws, along with BIL.  It was a nice break from my BF as we've have so much time together recently, almost every night for dinner and every weekend together,  I was feeling claustrophobic.  I needed time to get back to being myself, if that makes any sense.  He's hinting at getting a house together, and I'm not ready.  Never say never, but I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to move in with him and don't know if he'll be happy keeping it this way.  I'm also taking on a new project that involves PR and gala events, he's not really into that kind of thing although he says he'll get his tux laundered and be ready to go.  It makes our differences more apparent when I realize that this is yet another thing that probably won't include him.  I plan to let things settle a bit and then think more about it ...... sigh.

 

Hope that everybody has a good weekend -

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Beginning to feel like I am a broken record.

 

NG and I had great, deep talk about the  future.  He told me two years is enough time to decide to marry or not.  He told me he sees us marrying but not now, as in March. But nothing further.  I told him I was giving a year here in the same city and see where we are. 

 

Court is delayed due to an illness with his attorney.  He is glad as they have put the bill up for presumptive 50/50 shared parenting upon separation versus the status quo from the 70s of one parent having the primary custodial residence with joint custody.  If it is signed, that is a greater argument for the judge to go to 50/50.  Remember, he had 50/50 in another state.  This state is behind. 

 

Gosh, we are so good together but the blending of the two and the on going things.  I love him.  He is a wonderful man, a great father.  But I will not wait yrs., and he knows this.  I am not about an ultimatum.  It is not like that.  It is about timing of life, which sometimes is not there.

 

Today is 2 years of our first date.

 

(sigh)

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tybec  Happy two years - that's a big deal!  The timing certainly seems off, do you feel that you've sacrificed a lot and want him to recognize this more?  It seems that marriage is still on the table for him, just not right now.  And he does have a lot going on with the trial and his kids.  He know that you won't wait, maybe once the stress of the court date and custody issue clears a bit he's able to make some concrete plans with you?

 

It's interesting that some of us with similar time frames in our relationships are having similar difficulties - I think it's the cycle of how a relationship goes.  For BF and I, honeymoon stage is over and we're getting down to the logistics and practicalities of how to make this work.  Some days I take a breath and try hard to not overthink everything - not easy.

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Thanks Trying2breathe. 

 

Marriage is on the table, but when?  How long living separate lives but yet committed?  I know, everyone is different and for some, two homes works.  Not my desire, though.

 

He is excited about a concert for us to go to in JAN!  He definitely sees us going on.  But he talked at dinner Friday night about their summer vacation and maybe having an uncle go, a man's trip.  I must have had quite a look on my face as he asked what was wrong.  I thought we had discussed us vacationing together, our third summer together and such.  I just don't know where he was.  He asked if we wanted to join them, then.  I had already discussed this another time, that if we were together, we make plans together, not ask us later as an afterthought or as guests.  He tells me he can be quite dense and needs direct communication.  I was shocked given we talked marriage two nights earlier. 

 

I am thrilled for those who figure out a way to make it work. I appreciate your comments and sharing.  I am growing more confident in this new city.  I will make connections.  I will be good, but it sure is confusing.  Never had such doubt with DH. 

 

WE both have activities tonight, so no commemorating our first date. I told him I am a date/anniversary person.  I am waiting to see if he remembers.  Time is my love language.  And then affirmations.  Any way....

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tybec  Sorry that you're feeling this way - the frustration in your posts is obvious.  There's a disconnect for you, and he's not picking up on this. Rather than wait to see if he remembers two years - why not mention this to him and how important it is to you?  Seems that he's thinking in family mode that includes his kids, and not thinking in couples terms. The vacation plans would be surprising to me too.  You feel good with him and feel that he's a wonderful man - the court date and custody issue will be addressed and maybe he will be more emotionally and physically available after that? 

 

It's great that he mentions that he's dense and needs direct communication - can you share this with him? 

Marriage is on the table, but when?  How long living separate lives but yet committed?  I know, everyone is different and for some, two homes works.  Not my desire, though.

 

Making my new relationship work is sometimes a day to day thing.  The reality of how we are together and who he is, becomes more clear every day and not all for me is good. There's not a lot of widow related angst for me in this relationship other than knowing that this can all be taken away in an instant.  And a bit of sadness that this is my new life. I'm choosing to try to make it work, because he's a good man and for the most part we're good together.  I'm not sure that I can provide what he needs but we're working on figuring it out.  A day at a time ....

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It seems we all have different ideas of what 'this' should look like. I am now a few weeks into having BF under the same roof; adjusting schedules certainly takes getting used to. I will be traveling for work for five days; I leave in just over a week and told him he's got to get some time in with my dogs because they will be looking to him when I am not here. Should be interesting. He had to go to court today behind the shenanigans with his daughter and it didn't go well. He didn't go to work and came home. Fortunately I have plenty to keep me busy with work but it's odd to have someone else here while I have work-related phone conversations. It's all about finding balance, which isn't easy when you have gotten into a regular flow of how you want the house to run  :o

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Thanks all.  Reading my posts,  and I don’t like my attitude.  Going to focus on gratefulness and what works.  Going to trust time.  Going to attempt to live here and now and not worry about the future.  I don’t want to be whiny or complaining.

 

I vent here for help and support.  Admittedly, the anonymous nature is a plus.  If I talked to friends like this irl they would be tired or direct with me.  :o

 

Thanks for the ears and comments.  Much appreciated.

 

PS. Two nights with NG.  He is committed.  He loves me.  He worries some I will walk away from him and his situation.  He isn’t so dense. He cares. 😉

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Home by myself.  My kid is on a church retreat. My NG's weekend with his kids, though.  He asked me late this a.m. to go to his youngest kid's soccer game. I just had awakened.  He said the ex was not going to be there.  I get it, but I don't like it. I was only invited, then because she wasn't there.

 

I had an impulsive thought to get dressed up and go out for St. Patty's by myself with an Uber, but it just is not me.  (sigh)  I tried to see a friend but her mother has been sick since Jan and she and her brother are taking turns with her as her mother doesn't want to be alone, but won't move and won't hire anyone to stay with her. Feel bad for my friend, but a road trip to see her would have been nice.

 

So, in a relationship and only texted today.  Not sure what I feel about it.  FLAT is a good word.

 

My kid has two camps this summer and a missionary trip.  They are all the weeks NG HAS his kids. We have not had an adult away from kids since Aug, when I moved here.  Yeah....

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tybec {{{hugs}}} Is NG okay with all this? I mean, I get the part about spending time with his kids, but if you are part of his life -- I mean really part -- you should be included in some of that time. They need to see that you are important in his life as well.  :(

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Tybec - I feel for you in all of this. It is so different trying to date as a widow/er with someone who is divorced....its so different from the first time around when originally married and sharing direct parenting with a partner. It seems your guy cares about you a lot but has a lot on his plate with regards to his divorce and his kids - and for some people, their kids will ALWAYS come first. I think children should be prioritized but I also believe there needs to be compromise all around. I find it hard as I am often second to my NG's child and his situation and, although I am understanding, it doesn't feel great sometimes. I think part of this new process is trying to understand what our tolerance is, getting used to a new situation and everyone making adjustments to compromise - some are better than others at this. I do get invited to events with my NG and his son but his ex goes to ALL these events (including scout meetings, sports practices etc etc - and vice versa when NG doesn't have his son) and I don't really want to spend time with him AND his ex there, at least now. I thought once 50/50 custody was settled that they would split most of their time (except maybe for bday parties or school things but they attend most of the son's events, albeit going seperately). Its so weird....(Maybe your NG invited you this time as he thought you might feel more comfortable going if she wasn't there?). I think part of me is also slightly angry as its not "even" - I am a true single parent and he doesn't have to deal with any of this on my side.

 

And the divorce seepage doesn't stop at events - we actually got to go on an adult date on Sat and we were out having fun, went to a local restaurant. He needed to step out to do his nightly call with his son - but couldn't get hold of his ex right away to speak to his son so he started fretting about it and going on about it. Couldn't relax and it wasn't romantic to listen to. He keeps trying to call and text while I sit there and sip my martini.  Then finally she calls him (and within the hour of the scheduled call since they were out somewhere) and he steps out while I sit at the table alone....I don't mind at all that he wants to step away from dinner to speak with his son but all the stressing about it and ex talk surrounding the call was a buzz kill. 

 

What I have done is built up my own social network over time so I make social plans outside my relationship - charity work, seeing girlfriends - and I find that helps. I also try to communicate with my NG as much as possible on the topic - although sometimes they are not easy conversations. I am also trying to be more patient and understanding to his situation as I know he is and wants to be a great father. I am in a similar camp as you - sometimes things seem great and then there are these divorce related issues and I feel very divided. My NG too is worried I will leave eventually as the stress of his situation wears on me. I guess time will tell for these relationships - but wishing you all the best...and vent away. It helps I think !

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Thank you all. Your words help.

 

I don't go to things with the ex there as I guess, NG does not want to rock the boat.  The custody hearing was delayed last week due to NG's attorney having emergency surgery.

 

I just don't know how not to feel hurt.  It will be a month since we (son and I) will have seen his kids now, and he said it is probably good so his ex can't say he has his kids spend all their time with his GF.  OUCH...  so much for integration. 

 

Yes, the two parents attend everything together, so even if he gets 50/50, it may end up like your situation, CW. They can't have one do more than the other, it seems. 

 

I am trying to build a network as I know that will give me support and things to do, and I won't worry about his time with his kids. But that also is a poor way to build a foundation if we want to be together long term. 

 

Yes, time will tell.  Thanks for the ear.

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Tybec - I think some of your situation is temporary - when the custody is finalized I bet you and your son will be a lot more integrated with NG and kids. My NG had to cater to his ex and tiptoe around until custody was finalized (and he got 50/50). But I know what you mean - it doesn't feel good at all in the process. Part of me is still pissed off about it (not healthy I know but emotions are emotions).

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Hey all!

 

Another week has passed.  My birthday is in 2 weeks!

 

NG and I took a short break this week.  I needed to regroup and think and not have him around.  He told me he would wait and he would be there when I was ready. 

 

I realized I was in a deep sadness for a few days. My FB reminder of the past told me I had just moved my mother to the personal care home/dementia unit a year ago, and then subsequently she became majorly ill and passed in NOV.  Then there were reminders of my dad's death the 18th, 12 yrs. ago.  I hadn't thought of this for a long time.  I guess having both parents gone has affected me more than I thought.  Timing.  And I met with my accountant.  I have a long term care policy I purchased when DH died. I decided to have it since I was widowed. She reminded me I needed it as I had no one to care for me if I got sick.    :-X  I felt so alone and with NG not talking to me all weekend, I guess it threw me into a tizzy.  I am passed it.  I don't make decisions when upset.  I waited it out and thought through some things.

 

Anyway, we are back on track and dealing with the circumstances.  He said to me, "Don't leave me "  And I responded, "Don't leave me."  I felt abandoned when DH died, despite , of course, it was not his choice. 

 

WOW..... This grief stuff is just there.  How you don't have it come up is beyond me. It is always there, and rears it head at different points......

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Glad that it's the weekend  :D   and spring weather is soon here -

 

tybec  Social media - can't stand the FB memories that pop up, I've had several the past few months that make me so sad.  I'm beginning to understand the impact of not having parents, as I'm dealing with my ill mother in the hospital right now.  She had emergency surgery last week and we weren't sure if she would be okay.  She is recovering and I'm grateful, it will be slow but she seems to be getting better every day.  I still have both parents, and can only imagine how it would be to not have them around and how it affects the grief process and being a widow too.

 

It's interesting that despite having a new partner in my life, I still feel very alone.  We are good in our relationship but I can't yet allow myself to be super close to him as I fear another devastating loss. We've had some conversations about moving in/marriage, I'm not there yet and told him that I didn't know if I ever would be.  He's says he's okay with this, but I'm sad to not give him what he seems to want right now.

 

Good to have long term care insurance - but gee thanks for the harsh reminder that there's no one to care for me  :P  .  You're right that grief is ALWAYS there in one way or another.  It's been four and half years out and I'm thinking it's time for another round of grief therapy again.

 

Are you planning anything for your birthday?

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Hey tybec ... First, {hugs} Second, yeah I can't understand folks who don't think about their losses. My son's 23rd birthday was this past week, which made me think about my dad, who was killed in a car accident while I was pregnant. I also thought about the first husband and his death. I thought then about my mom getting older. Which makes me think of my own health and that of my BF and others. It is an endless stream sometimes. Not that it keeps me from recognizing the good stuff, but it's there ...

 

Hope you all have a good weekend <3

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Such a strange turn of events!

 

I had a weekend with NG low key.  At home, March Madness, nothing special.  My son is starting to respond to NG, and it is interesting.  My NG states my 14 yr old is craving interactions with men, and I don't doubt it.  I did what I could after his dad died to provide avenues for men support.  I had some men step up but nothing could compare to his very active and involved, silly and masculine yet gentle giant his dad was.  My son has subsequently ditched sports and Boy Scouts, things he loved with his dad involved.  I know it may have occurred anyway, but I can't help but wonder.

 

So, NG brings up summer vacation trip.  He throws out this idea he is thinking about with my son, and my son is all over it.  It is a guys active trip in the mountains with some concessions for me, like a cabin  with a hot tub, and they can sleep in a tent if they choose kind of thing.  This is huge.  NG was so not thinking in terms of "us", and here we are.  I am thrilled as it is a huge commitment.  He wants to do it.  And it is even before the new custody hearing that was delayed.  He said he is not concerned about that, as this is not a problem for him.  This is unexpected.  So, here we go...

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One of the hardest things is the unpredictability of the sadness and the triggers. Sometimes it feels like having some sort of neurological disorder. The only thing I've found that works is to remove anything that taunts me (photos, FB memory alerts, favorite haunts) and to remember that the waves of despair will ebb. They always do. It's hard to remember at times, like last week when I baked him a birthday cake. But it always gets better. Sometimes in mere moments, sometimes in days, but eventually I do feel "normal" again.

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Ohhhh, tybec, that is huge! Whenever the kids are involved, how can it not be? So glad that your son liked the idea of a trip with your NG.

 

I haven't told my son about BF moving in. Part of me doesn't want to tell him that he was right -- the first time my son met him, privately he asked me of BF would move into the house. I was flabbergasted and blurted that things were too new to consider such a thing. I joked that he (my son) was moving to quickly. That was late last summer/early fall and here we are. BF moved in last month. I will tell him but would like to do so when it's just the two of us and presently there's no plan for us to get together. I've thought about how to handle that, since the dynamic is now different with BF in the house. I wouldn't want to not include him in going to see my son but I think he was very nervous that first time and may bow out should I make the invite. Yet, I want to be considerate of my son as well. Ugh.

 

TWW, you are so right about sadness and how strange it can be, cropping up at the weirdest times. I don't get the alerts on social media so much, particularly since I took off my relationship status a while ago. While I was a widow on FB, I'd get all sorts of things from LHs page. I haven't taken it down because of his daughter but I don't go to it (as I write this, I feel like I want to ... but probably won't).

 

Yesterday, I told a woman who attends the church we first started going to after moving here; she remembers my son when he was in junior high so it's been just about 10 years of knowing each other. I told her that I am living with someone. Also told LHs cousin, who is in contact with me pretty regularly, which makes the second person in his family who knows. I figure he might tell a few others in their family so it will get around. I didn't want to have the conversation, not that I needed to. The first cousin of LH who knew I was dating and that BF moved in this year is more like 'blood' family to me than the real thing lol. I was talking to her about feeling like I needed to tell people so they wouldn't think I was over here, all alone, and that they could just pop in on me, but I didn't know how or what to say. She said I didn't owe anyone any explanation but she understood where I was coming from (she too has been widowed more than once; interestingly, her last NG she took around the family and then told them when the relationship broke up ... I thought it interesting that she felt I didn't need to tell anyone. I guess because they are really her 'blood' family and she lives near them while I am on the other side of the country and most of them could care less).

 

It's all so weird ...

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Tybec , that sounds lovely.

 

Arneal I think you should own your situation. Tell whoever you want ...or don't tell them. If they drop in to check on you , introduce your NG and don't even blink. You have developed this relationship and you feel good that is all that matters. Don't worry about other people judging. You know how you feel.

 

My feeling for NG have been growing/improving lately. Part of it is he is showing more acceptance that I still have a huge need to mother my children even though they are 20 and 22.

He himself moved out of his family home when he was 18 and had started a successful company by the time he was 20. Two of his children moved out  early when they were 18 and a third is 25, married, has a house/farm and a child on the way, so I think he struggled with my kids age and their lack of independence.

I don't, they are going to University and their permanent home is my home. I help them out. My youngest is struggling with anxiety and depression, so he takes a little more consideration.

 

Anyways NG said the other day  when he sees how much I love and care for my children  he loves me more. I think this has been an adjustment on his part...at first he tried to project his view of the world into my situation and now he is beginning to see it as a good part of me. I like that.

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Thanks for that, klim :) It's one of those things that I am defensive about. Can't put my finger on it exactly other than to say I've been judged by family in the past so am always ready with a come-back before hearing any crap ... I did tell one of LHs cousins recently so if it's going to get spread around that I've moved on, he'll be the one to do it for me lol.

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arneal  Agree with klim, it would be good to own the situation and not to worry about the opinions of others.  I too have judgey people in my life, and duck & dodge to avoid getting into situations where I have to deal with their opinions.  As a result - I've been with BF now for over a year and he has yet to meet my family.  BF says that he understands, but it's awkward and I can't help but feel that he's hurt that I've not made introductions.  I tell him that I'm protecting him from being scrutinized and analyzed, but I'm also protecting myself.  My family may accept him - or not - but I hope to soon get to the point where I believe that what they think doesn't matter.  Baby steps .....

 

 

 

 

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^^^ baby steps. Yes, trying2!

 

It's not so much my family, which is small. My mom knows about BF, has talked with him on the phone, sent him (to his apartment address before we moved in together) a card when he was really going through with his daughter. She's pretty much it since I am an only child, father died when I was pregnant with my son (so this December will make 24 years ago), and I have four 'blood' cousins (and one cousin via my youngest uncle's second marriage) who I am not connected to (the last time the four of us saw each other was when my grandmother died; the cousin by marriage I haven't seen in probably more than 10 years). It's LHs family, particularly his daughter ... having them know my business is what gives me the angst. However, like I said, I told LHs one cousin who stays in touch regularly and if anyone will tell it, it will be him. LHs one other cousin and I are close enough to be sisters (when I went to visit my mom, she's the only one I told I was coming ... not his daughter, not anyone else in his family ... and we had dinner together) knows but wouldn't say anything to anyone. I guess my 'fear' is how to say that I've moved on. Sure, they don't have a say in what I do with my life, but I don't want to have any conversations about what I am doing. I think if they hear it in gossipy fashion, they will form their opinions and just leave me alone. That, or I'm just overthinking the whole matter, which is much more likely :)

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Easter plans and birthday plans.

 

Driving to see MIL tonight. Something just leads me to go visit.  She is in poor health, and it is what it is.  Family time on Sat. with brother and family and then Easter Sunday with NG and his kids.

 

Birthday - NG got tickets to a concert.  It is our thing to do.  Overnight - first one since JULY!  It is definitely different living in new town and not having folks for my son to stay with yet so I can have an adult get a way. But it is happening. I still have to figure out a plan for my son which could be taking him to visit a friend in the previous hometown as it is spring break.  It will be a hassle, but until I trust folks here, that is it.

 

NG has stepped up.  Since I took a short break last week, something changed.  I needed to process my grief and life without him, if that was the way for me to go.  I decided I wanted to stay in the relationship despite the issues with his custody and time.  I guess NG thought about life without me and if he was ready for that.  I told him, like some of you stated, he needed to find a way to love me and share his life with me versus compartmentalize us like he did that weekend.  He didn't know the significance of the timing of my losses in all fairness. 

 

I have the strength to stay or go.  I needed to know I could that, too. Choices and timing. 

 

Hope all can have some good spring time.

 

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