Jump to content

Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...


arneal
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hi all, from mobile hotspot internet ... Spectrum cut us due to fire hazards (supposedly ... they best cut my bill accordingly as well! Grrrrrrr~ I work online so this is NOT okay!). Were without power for two days. I sat in my car yesterday morning, running an extension cord (thank God the car has an AC plug) to recharge my office laptop and several other devices. I was supposed to be off today, but here I am, online, getting caught up on the work I couldn't do for two days. Needless to say, the computer is not getting turned on all weekend.

 

So sorry to hear about your dad, trying2 ... as our parents age, it's a tough thing. My son has his grandmom (my mom) and that's it. My dad was gone before he was born and his dad's people are not in our lives. His father's mom was dead when we met and I only saw his dad at the funeral. He didn't speak to me at all, but because he hadn't seen or heard from his son in over 20 years, he was in his grief space. I didn't need to be in connection. My son doesn't connect with his grandmom, but does ask about her. He called me the other night before the power went off. It was a surprise. 

 

Oh well, off to finish this work and get off the computer. I might have a mid-day shot of whiskey to celebrate Friday ... my plan is to get as much of LH's daughter's stuff packed this weekend as possible. I'm ready to close the chapter there for sure. I was pleasantly surprised to find a shipping and packing place, right around the corner from me. I think I'll use them to get these boxes to her. Support local!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you! All's well now. We have electricity and internet again :) I had to work on Friday to make up for being MIA for the previous two days; I was supposed to be off Friday through yesterday. I ended up working a little on Saturday as well, but took the other days completely off. Yesterday was really great because I basically sat in the floor and watched TV after washing my hair and giving myself a home-spa treatment. 

 

We are getting a cat, did I share that? Saturday, we'll go pick him up from the breeder. I am hoping it will be a nice day as the drive is lovely. It was nice to not be in front of screens all day.

 

I've been in something of a funk lately. Can't put words to it really ... I try to keep my irritable nature to myself, particularly when it's sparked more by work issues than anything else. I've been trying to stay in my own lane as I know that will help!

 

Hoping everyone is well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Glad to hear your ok and congrats on getting a new kitty :)  

Sorry to hear about the funk, hope it passes quickly for you. Will keep you lifted in my prayers...

Adjusting to the colder temps, :D , aging hurts a little with this, lol

BTW, what's the kitty's new name?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you, sudnlysngl -- yes, the change of temps and so on might have something to do with it. I think I'm getting more sensitive to the seasons. All I want to do is sleep (it doesn't help that we got a new mattress LOL). I certainly appreciate the prayers!

 

Kitty will be named Fyzzgyg -- a variant on 'Fizzgig' from The Dark Crystal movie. I wanted to name a pet that the first time I heard the name and BF liked it as well. He came up with the variation in spelling though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 hours ago, arneal said:

 

Kitty will be named Fyzzgyg -- a variant on 'Fizzgig' from The Dark Crystal movie. I wanted to name a pet that the first time I heard the name and BF liked it as well. He came up with the variation in spelling though.

Love it! :) 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Congrats on the kitty, arneal.  Maybe a new addition to the family will liven things up a bit?  Good to hear that your electronics are back to normal!

 

I also feel the seasonal thing, along with the hour time change I'm in a funk too.  I think that it's aggravated with all that's going on with my Dad - also trying to stay in my lane and keep these cranky emotions to myself.  Not easy!  I'm learning that NG is not good with this side of me, he wants to fix it and there's no fix for this, just gotta wade through it.  I've thought of my late husband more this week than I have in a long time - I really really miss him, and it's strange to say this with a new man in my life that I love very much.  Tomorrow is my birthday - meh.  Don't feel like celebrating, just want this one to be over with.  

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Happy birthday, tybec -- I have come to embrace birthdays, all holidays really. A reason to be unreasonably celebratory :) 

 

Yes, I am sure the new addition will liven things up. I find part of my 'keep my irritations to myself' is that I'm a planner ... I like to have things done and well ahead of time when it comes to these sorts of experiences. I've had the litterbox, canned food, toys, feeding bowl, and the like here for a few weeks. NG is supposed to be finishing the outdoor enclosure, since the cat can't be outdoors per breeding arrangements (and because our lizards are poisonous to cats, plus there is always the chance he'd get out of the yard, despite the fence), but has been taking his sweet time. He's also supposed to be adapting a large plastic box into a second litterbox. Note 'supposed to'. I'm keeping my mouth shut as he doesn't feel the same sense of urgency about these things as I do. I'm of the ilk to get it done, sit back and celebrate it being done, and have time should anything else need doing. What he doesn't know is that he's going to be on primary litterbox duty 🤣

 

I'm sure I'll have some stories in the coming weeks ... 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Congrats on the new kitten! Although I’m a procrastinator myself, I feel your pain at his foot-dragging. 
 

When my husband and I moved into our first home my parents got us a super fancy expensive litter box and it was life changing- LOVED it, because I hate cleaning the cat box. My cat was semi-feral and skittish and had no problem using it. If you can get over the sticker shock, I highly recommend! I’m pretty sure it’s called a Litter Robot...

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh yes. The Litter Robot. The newest is close to $700. I can't; not to mention that some Maine Coons are too big for them. There's a hand-crank version but sadly there's something in the plastic that means it can't be shipped to California. So irritating!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey arneal - how's it going with the new kitty?   I remember fondly my cat from my single days, sadly I became allergic and dealt with it, eventually became a dog person.  

 

Taking a few days break with NG while I'm dealing with my Dad.  It's hard to manage my Dad's affairs and have NG here too - I don't feel emotionally supported by him and it doesn't work out well if he's around.  He's a meat & taters, fix it kind of man and so far hasn't dealt well - to me - with my emotional needs.  This continues to come up between us, and whether I'll want to continue to try to make it with him - I don't know.  We've talked about this many times, nothing changes.  Love him dearly, but can't get past this.  He can fix things, can't fix emotions and shouldn't try.  To just be there and be supportive - not in his wheelhouse.  🙁 

  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey trying2 -- oh, my ... new baby! LOL! He's a piece of work. It's meant compromise between BF and I, in that before he came to live here, I slept with my bedroom open so the dogs could come in and out. We started keeping the door closed when BF moved in. Now kitty sleeps in the bedroom. I haven't been cleaning the litterboxes and don't plan to, unless there's a time BF isn't here; I'm leaving that as his house chore, since I pretty much take care of everything else. I travel for work this coming weekend, so he'll have to do it all anyway. I tend to have a heavier hand (will use the water bottle to keep kitty off things, will plop him on the floor if he uses his claws on me), where BF is concerned about frightening him. I just remind him I'm doing the things that worked on my past kittens and cats and go on with my process, while letting him do it his way :) Other than that, it's good.

 

I'm sorry to hear that your NG hasn't gotten a handle on how you process emotionally. I hope he begins to understand you and doesn't get all up in his feels if you have to tell him straight out. Perhaps you can use the 'positive sandwich' technique: I appreciate your 'fix it' mentality' (positive) but I feel this way about this thing and it's not something you can fix (not so positive). If it would help, maybe you can just not be here when I'm dealing with this and we can connect later so you can do [name something you like that he does when you don't feel very upbeat] because you are really great at that and it makes me feel better (positive).

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It will be interesting to see how the kitty responsibilities work out - hope that all goes well with this.  NG has a certain way with my dog, I'm the heavy with discipline and he's not - lets her get away with a lot whereas I don't.  Learning process for both of us, I've learned to let go with things that don't matter too much.  

 

Thanks for the technique idea, I was trying to think of a way to let him know again that I need more support from him, or let him know that we won't be together when I'm feeling emotionally stretched.  Not sure if I can continue in a relationship in this way, honestly haven't dealt with a partner that doesn't give me support in this way.  He happily backs me up with stuff I need done but is not there to hear details, discuss what I'm going through, give a hug.  I'm not crying in the corner but not my normal happy self, but it's like he can't stand to hear my pain.  sigh ..... 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just read a thing from the 5 Love Languages newsletter today. I've copied and pasted below ...

 

Quote

 

Few things are more disappointing than discovering that your spouse isn't the person you thought you'd married. Think about it. What are you supposed to do when it turns out that the ambitious, conscientious, hardworking person you married turns out to be considerably less than ambitious, conscientious, or hardworking? What if you discover that you're married to someone with no sense of responsibility—to you or anyone else?

If you live with an irresponsible person, the first thing you need to do is try to understand why they are displaying these character traits. Here are four common reasons we often overlook:

  • They are following the model of their parents. What you consider laziness or irresponsibility your spouse may consider freedom or personal liberty—because that's what was modeled.
  • They are rebelling against a negative model. If your spouse grew up with an alcoholic father who never had time for his kids, he or she may believe it's better to err on the side of irresponsibility than workaholism.
  • They may have developed a self-centered attitude. This is when someone's individual happiness is all that matters—more than anyone else. Yup… it happens.
  • They may be expressing resentment toward you. Have you noticed they are actually quite responsible, just not as it pertains to you? This could be a sign to dig deeper. What you may find is that the areas they are responsible in are the areas they get more affirmation or praise for what they do—praise that may be missing in your relationship.

Now that you may have a better idea why your spouse may be acting irresponsibly, here's what you can do:

  • Acknowledge your own imperfections. Be honest about the areas in which you've failed, either through nagging or criticism. Let it be known that you are sorry for your failures, but that you're also committed to improving in those areas.
  • Express your love. Speak heartfelt words of encouragement or affirmation regarding their positive traits you observe. Express appreciation for what they are doing well. Then leave it at that—don't follow up with a nag.
  • Request suggestions for how to be a better partner. Don't expect an on-the-spot analysis. Allow some time for them to think through how you can improve, or ask them to follow up with a list you can work on.

If you don't notice a difference in behavior after humbly applying some of the tips above, you may need to shift your focus from trying to change to trying to get help from a counselor. The fact is, their (and possibly you own) propensities may be too complex for the two of you to handle by yourselves.

 

 

Granted, we aren't talking about spouses here, but signif's. I think it still counts for sure, especially if we are committed, right? I know BF had  a very different experience growing up and I don't think he and his previous signif's ever talked about or tried to understand one another very well. It seems that selfishness is the way a lot of couples engage, whether they recognize it or not.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you, arneal - I really appreciate you sharing this.  NG was here for dinner, I tried but didn't get my point across very well.  We're in a pattern where I get mad, later we talk about it, the  conversation goes nowhere and nothing changes.  I feel like a nagging girlfriend, and that I'm making the relationship more complicated than it needs to be.   Bottom line, I'm not happy.    Maybe it is time to call a professional.  

  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Trying2breathe,

 

A couple pages back in this thread, I think page 26, I put a video on about EFT and attachment. It was an example of an interaction with a couple and the dynamics.  And it fit me to a tee, and apparently many couples. Check it out. 

Good luck finding a way to communicate well. The gist of EFT is that we desire attachment and connection, and that is the crux of many relationship deaths.  Not the details of all, but the lack of feeling connected to stick it out, through thick and thin. And then craziness steps in. I look back at myself and think, "Who was that woman? "  That is not who I was born to be.  My momma and daddy did not raise me to be that person.   Learning.....

Edited by tybec
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

tybec   Interesting stuff - coincidence as I did go back and read through this thread, wondering how my relationship had evolved.  And I see that the same issues keep coming up with us.  Found the EFT video that you shared, and I was looking into finding an EFT therapist as it seems to fit my situation too.  So thank you for sharing that.  I'm also realizing that widowhood has left me scared to fully commit, and not willing to give it my all.  Craziness indeed.  Strange how we can slowly change ourselves to suit a situation, how this creeps up on us and looking back we wonder how it happened.  

  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, all -- might there be a connection to the 'holiday' season? Have you noticed a difference in how you communicate with your signif's at this time of year? Just a thought.

 

We are in a weird place here. Or maybe it's just me who's weird 🤣 I over-think things, so there's that. Interesting exchange last night: so we have a kitten and he's bonded with BF more, since I was gone for work last week. I'm okay with that but mentioned it. BF's response was something to the effect of 'He (the kitten) loves me and I love you, so that's that'. It caught me off-guard because he's often less verbally expressive than I am about that sort of thing. He's also been more affectionate lately (BF, not the kitten LOL), which is a good thing, even though it takes getting used to for me. I'm better than I used to be way back in the day -- when I met LH and he'd be affectionate, I'd pull back and fold in on myself. Physical touch is certainly not my love language and I have to work at it. I see the growth in myself. I think the weird place is that we are growing.

 

I realized that this will be our fourth 'holiday' season together and the second one under the same roof. Time flies. 

 

I pray that you all are well!

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, the holidays bring strong emotions and my relationship suffers.  I tend to get quiet and introspective, not my usual self - and take time off from him.  I could get nitpicky about what he is or isn't doing, but it's not just him - no other way to explain it but widowhood.  I guess it shouldn't be surprising that 6+ years out, and still this grief comes up for me.  

 

Fourth holiday together, arneal  :) - this is our 3rd Thanksgiving together, time is flying!  We will celebrate Thanksgiving with my family, and leave on Friday to spend the weekend with his brother and extended family, first time that I will meet many of them. It feels good to be moving forward with him.  It's been a bumpy road, not sure what the future brings but I'm working on  enjoying in the meantime.  Happy Thanksgiving!  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Grief is such an interesting monster ... when it comes up and I tell people I've been widowed twice, they give me the sorrowful face. That causes me to tell more of my story. I was freaked out the first time as it was an unexpected relief; unless people have been in an abusive situation, that sounds horrible. However, it was unexpected because I didn't know he was sick and his death meant that my son and I were free (the relief part). The second time was not completely unexpected but incredibly heartbreaking yet, truth be told, something of a relief; being a caregiver for anyone is difficult. I didn't know for sure that LH was approaching his end so quickly, but considering all he'd been through in the couple years prior, it wasn't unexpected. I am hopeful that it was peaceful -- I really don't know since he was in hospital with the flu. I talked to him and he sounded great but tired. He said he was going to take a nap. I suspect his heart stopped while he was asleep, but I wasn't ever told the details. Which is just as well. What good would it have done to know the specifics of every second? The result is he Left. I don't carry the sadness because I grieved for him about a year before he was actually Gone; he was intubated after a very serious crisis and the grief was all too real during those days I sat in the intensive care room, watching them do procedures on him, talking to him while he was unconscious, and so on. The doctors had given him a 50/50 then, but he came out of it and did great, such as it was. He was on oxygen and couldn't really walk much without assistance. He had a walker in the house and had to have a wheelchair when we went to hospital or the doctor's office.

 

And now here I am, fourth holiday season into a new relationship and since the last with LH, which wasn't much of one with all the illness. Memorial Day 2020 will be an actual fourth 'anniversary' for BF and I of our first date. My teary moments aren't related specifically to LH; I've only had one major one since BF has been here. I have contemplative times that I try to keep to myself but that he often catches. They are also nebulous ... not clearly related to loss. BF and I are now pet parents together with the kitten (LOL), but the dogs are clearly mine. Since I was gone for the week, the kitten has bonded with BF more, but is still loving toward me, just like a child LOL. Other than that, we press on.

 

I pray each of you has a wonderful thanksgiving break, however you deal with it. BF and I are about the socio-cultural connection to the day and don't see it as celebration, since it actually commemorates the death of native peoples in the Americas. I will be off from work and will cook, just like I would do anyway. No turkey but a half ham. Other homemade fixin's. I'll make BF's new favorite apple caramel cake today, more because we are nearly out of sweets LOL. In my faith walk, I've decided to bring communion home; my plan is to make some communion rolls today as well to share with BF when I do it here instead of at church, where in a way it's become too ... I don't know how to describe it -- we have a large congregation so we have the combo cup and bread that's like instant? Very different from the little family churches I came up in, where we sometimes had homemade bread each time! I want to get back to that solemn and reverent expression of faith. I even got some Kedem grape juice ;) I see it as another connection for BF and I, since he doesn't go to service but does take communion (he usually asks me to bring him a cup). 

 

Onward ... 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We are okay up to Thanksgiving. Christmas is a different kettle of fish. Last year spending my first New Years Eve with NG was very different than how I usually chose to celebrate it. It was anticlimactic and underwhelming. It made me sadder than usual - not the usual hopeful feeling I get with a New Year. I chose to stay over at my in-laws over New Years this year to avoid revisiting that less than stellar feeling. We as a couple can’t do much over the holidays since his kids ping pong back and forth between households the entire break. Again, we’re just 2 threads that come together once awhile but are still 2 completely separate threads, never actually intertwined or woven together. He’s hinted he wants more but it’s never a conversation we actually have. To proceed to more, it would involve lawyers and court over some things they had put in place when they got divorced and mutually agreed to. I just speak in general terms that someday it could be possible. I can’t do more than that. Ironically he’s the limiting factor, not me the widow with my emotional challenges?

  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you want more, Jules? Is a conversation possible to talk about it? I mean, kids aren't kids forever. Plus, how our lives are at one point -- particularly for those who divorce -- isn't how they remain. However, if this works for you all, stick with it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Great question, Julester - do you want more?  It's easy to continue coasting in a relationship as is, are you happy with this?  I'm also surprised at how limiting it can be to be with a divorced partner (2x with NG) and the factors that come into play that affect us together.  I will deal with the same at Christmas as his daughter ping pongs back and forth with her step-mom, take a back seat to all that this brings, which is fine.  It seems somewhat easier for me and my kids to move forward, especially in regards to his kids.   It's true that kids aren't kids forever, but sometimes adult kids can be childish and a real pain in the ass ..... :/ 

 

Had a good long holiday weekend with NG's brother and extended family, welcoming family and I think it went well.  NG's eldest daughter was also there, still no relationship between us as she pretty much ignores me.  It's very strange to try and deal with a 25 y/o that is not accepting of her Dad's almost 3 year relationship.  I'm struggling again with upcoming holidays - plan to host Christmas festivities at my house, and NG tells me that his daughter will be here too.  With the awkwardness that she brings, I don't want her here as it's very obvious that she's not happy.  I would like to focus on my aging parents and my kids, and not have to deal with his cranky daughter. I would like to make plans and not include them, and let NG know why.  Is it wrong to not want to include her too?   Maybe it's selfish of me, but life is too short to be dealing with this.  Would appreciate any thoughts on this - what would you do? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Happy Monday all! I saw this article yesterday about the new reality of dating. I don't know how many of us fit the age range discussed, but I think some of the points are salient: https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/article-women-older-than-65-dont-want-to-live-with-their-partners/?fbclid=IwAR3aoOGrguaxWrDVYgKlT0RACIGYy_zPaZg6vv8BEQJlswQV1VKFmT9A8K0

 

I hear you, trying2. I don't think it's wrong to not want her there if she's cranky. Can you ask him his thoughts on the matter? Something like 'she doesn't seem happy when she comes to these things; should we ask her if she wants to come?' That way, it's her choice. If she decides not to, the party goes on without her. Oh well. Sometimes, that gives the message that the world doesn't revolve around them -- come if you want, don't come, it's not going to stop anything. If she says she wants to come, let her and focus on your family. If it's possible to include her, great. If she's standoffish, she'll see you treating everyone else wonderfully, engaging with them, enjoying them, and all the good times everyone else is having while she sits somewhere, moping or just being miserable all to herself. It's interesting how those things work out, since it's often that someone else will reach out and ask her what her problem is (usually a younger child because they have no filter 😅) so you wont' have to.

 

I've shared various stories about LH and his daughter (and her mom). It remains a painful situation at times, even though LH's daughter is pushing 34 years old. She did the ping-pong thing when she didn't like what was going on at either house back in her teen years (mad at mom, come to us; mad at us, go back to mom). BF has been divorced twice I suppose you could say; he wasn't married to his children's mother and they separated when the girls were like three or four. He did divorce his second wife but there were no children; he was separated from her when we met but finalized the divorce in fall of our first year of knowing each other. His one daughter has been estranged for many years, while he and the second one lived together when we met. She didn't seem to not like me. We talked occasionally, a few words here or there. Her boyfriend was much more talkative. Of all the dinners we had at their place, his daughter and her boyfriend only sat at the table and ate with us once as I remember it. She became crankier as time went on and I just ignored her. I continued to bring along food items and tried to give a small gift at her birthday or Christmas. I wasn't going to change who I was for anyone. I suppose it helps that I'm not super close to my own son either, and grew up not particularly close to my folks. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.