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Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...


arneal
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Hi guys, 

been a while since I've checked in. I'm struggling a bit with this new situation. My daughters better half told me that I was never welcome in their home ever, and this after they have lived with me 4 different times in the last 13 yrs since dh has died! This is since all the money they have "borrowed" from me and paid back in payments over time instead of the promised one payment like they got from me! Sorry for the ranting, I'm just pissed off that my daughter let her spouse speak to me like this and said NOTHING!

Then the doctors here are dragging their feet after getting my records from my doctor back home and not giving me the meds that were working so I'm having allergic reactions again, and that's not any fun either... Especially now that this virus is attacking the world. But hey I'm toughing it out :) 

I hope all of you are safe and healthy. I keep all of you in my prayers, and will be in touch again soon, much love to all of you 💜

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Hey there, sudnly -- there's something about our kids ... I mean that collectively. I think about and pray about BF's daughters quite often; they had no problem turning their back on him. My son turned 25 a couple days ago and it's pretty much the same. People often say to me that I did the best I could, but I struggle to accept that. Please feel free to rant away here -- sometimes responding to them with silence speaks greater volumes, but you need someplace to let it out.

 

We are doing okay here as well. I work from home, so the idea of physical distancing is no big deal :D BF has some business coming in still, even though he needs to be in his customers' spaces to do the jobs. He had a bid for an organizational contract that got delayed because of all this covid-19, but I pray that he wins it. It would be a boost for him.

 

It's been raining for quite a few days in a row ... it's also been cool; my heater hasn't stopped running yet! When I moved to Southern California, it was in the 80s or so around the time of the superbowl. This isn't what I signed up for!!! LOL!!! I do miss the rain from living back east, but it's been getting me down lately. I've thought about looking for a virtual counselor since I don't really want to go to an office. I haven't put much into it ... I'd really like to find someone I could use a messaging service for rather than actually talking. With BF here, there isn't much privacy and I need to be online to work, so there's that. I don't know. I'm not even sure what I would talk about! Just random thoughts this early Monday morning ...

 

Be well, friend and take care! I pray the doctors come to their senses and get you the meds you need, asap!

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sudnly   Sorry to hear of your struggles - it's a hard time to be going through family strife while all of this virus craziness is going on.  Upsetting that your daughter isn't being supportive of you right now.  Hope that you are safe, get those meds soon and have strength to continue toughing it out.  

 

Kids - I don't think that there's any guarantee that they will provide support or comfort to us.  I tried my best in providing love and support for my two young adult kids, and now try to deal with them more like adults as they become independent.  Not easy.  The hardest part of parenting for me was learning when to pull back and let my kids figure things out on their own.  When to watch them fail, fall and get back up again - especially when I thought that a failure was about to happen.  It's been interesting to see my kids reacting to this new world.  This topic is probably better suited for the Wids with Children thread - maybe I'll post there.  

 

Work has slowed a lot - not easy to work from home.  I try to self isolate as much as possible, but get out to visit my 84 y/o Mom to deliver food, etc.  She's struggling, her life has shut down, she's very social and struggling to no longer have those connections.  Dad is in lockdown at a nursing home - I'm sad to not be able to visit but it's where he needs to be right now.  NG - sigh ... took some time off from seeing him, talked with him about his behavior at the BBQ - he was aware and upset that he was in that condition and apologized to me, and later to my daughter and Mom.  Said that he was stressed at the world craziness, drank before going to my brother's house, continued drinking there.  Funny that when he apologized to my daughter and Mom, they both told him that it was fine - no problem.  So I'm questioning whether I'm too hard on him, expectations of him too high - whether my family avoids conflict and doesn't really want to go there, something else?   He's direct, won't hesitate to address an issue, my Mom and daughter not so much.   So we're talking, taking it day to day.  I miss him, not sure what the future holds.  Hate that I sometimes feel like a parent when I'm with him, not my job.   Could use a therapy session, but I think I'll wait to see somebody in person.  

 

Hope that everybody stays healthy!  

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Hey there, trying2: so interesting, how different upbringings are. I didn't come from parents who hovered (my mom hovers more now than I've ever experienced) and I didn't either. Of course, I think about my son ... all the time ... but I can't make him want to be part of my life. I wouldn't want to make him.

 

I haven't experienced much of a difference, except more work since students are home and actually working on their dissertations. I am an excellent hermit, so the idea of being in suits me just fine. I wish a few of them would find a momentary outlet though so I could slow down just a pinch :D 

 

As far as BF is concerned, he is who he is -- with all his amazing and challenging tendencies! I can't make him be different either. Can I try to point out areas that might benefit from change, but those changes are based on my view of the world. Would our space be better if he stopped putting his coffee spoon on the side of the sink instead of in it? Sure -- as far as I'm concerned. But in the big scheme of things, it's not going to stop the universe from moving.

 

But that's just me.

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Hey there Abitlost - you all are practicing physical distancing: social distancing would mean a lack of communication ... Sorry, the incorrect term use has become a pet peeve quickly for me as an educator :D

 

Glad the two of you are talking and staying close that way!!

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Abitlost - my bf (of a few years) and I are social distancing...seems weird. His ex and his son and his mother are part of his current COVID social circle. I’m social distancing apart with my son and parents. It makes me realize who my “real family” is in these stressed times and while it feels weird to be stuck at home all day, it just reminds me of my early widow days where it was just my son and I against the world...just like now. And I’m honestly ok with it. 

Edited by Captains wife
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On 3/29/2020 at 4:36 AM, Abitlost said:

My boyfriend of several years and I are presently socially distanced with our respective families but we are doing okay thanks in part to FaceTime. Anyone else in a similar boat?

We started lockdown here last week for at least four weeks, my bloke of several years is with his father who is in his 80s and has emphysema, so it is best, while I am here with my kids. Fortunately I still have work at home. Also to be honest, the four of us stuck in one place for a month would get a bit tetchy...he is better off, having lost his job, to be at home with his stuff, projects etc. We talk on the phone every day, not that there is much to report! At this stage, I'm OK with it too. Been through far worse, like us all, and the kids are pretty good. I suspect he misses us more than we miss him, much as I / we love him. And sometimes, I've learned, that's not such a bad thing.

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Daughter and I are isolating, altho NG was here for dinner a few times this past week.  NG and I plan to be apart for awhile, and I feel like it will be fine.  The relationship is in need of a break anyway.  As CW posts, it's a realization to see who our real family is and I feel completely fine with it.   I'm sad to not be able to see my Dad in a nursing home, and not visiting my 84 y/o Mom at home.  Keeping up with everybody thru FaceTime and phone calls.  Strange world right now.  Hope everybody is doing okay.  

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Glad to hear from you all and pray that you'll be able to see your family members. I was to travel back east to see my mom (would have been returning home today) after a trip to Phoenix for work ... the work-related trips have all been cancelled through May, so no travel at all. I talk to her as frequently as usual, every couple days. 

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Again quiet here, hope everybody is doing okay.  I'm frightened with the continuing news, and so very sad about the many deaths.  It's a surreal world right now, hoping that we all come out of this enlightened and somehow better to have gone through this all.  NG and I continue isolated from each other,  I'm fine and he's kind of not.  He' says he struggling with not being together physically and just communicating by phone.  Our circles are both small, immediate family and for him two colleagues.  I'm thinking that maybe we can be together this weekend for Easter.  

 

How is everybody coping with distancing and isolating?  I've been getting into more work detail, hiking with my dog and finding on-line exercise videos. Catching up with friends, trying to eat healthy, and organize the house a bit more.  Watching much more tv than I ever have, including 3rd season of Ozark and Tiger King. 😜 I'm happy to have my daughter with me, looks like she will be here the rest of the summer taking her on-line college courses.  Grateful to have support of family & friends, and to be doing okay right now.  Hope that you all are too.  

 

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Glad to hear/read you all are well. Nothing changes for us. I work from home, BF works from home in the same house. It's only about 1300sf so our commutes are tiny -- from the bedroom to the front room for me, from the bedroom to the garage office for him, with stops in the kitchen or family room in between 😄 We were talking yesterday; BF said that we weren't practicing distancing in the house ... I said there was no point, since whatever enzymes were about, we both had them. We've been under the same roof for more than two years now, after all. A sad moment of brevity in the midst of the horror.

 

I hope you all aren't social distancing -- that you are talking, texting, or something. 

 

Physical distancing as you need, of course.

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We text daily so we have that.

 

Since you guys live together, you are considered a household. You don’t have to segregate from one another unless one of you are compromised. You just need to not go out at much as possible or interact directly with those not in your immediate household. 

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Hey there, Julester -- yes, we know. It was a moment of brevity in an otherwise chaotic world. Since we both work at home, there's little need to go out, except for fresh air and sun (although we haven't had much of that. Bleck!). BF has the occasional job call, but he wears mask and gloves; fortunately, his motorcycle mask is the highest rating and he has replacement filters for it. I also have a box of hospital masks here. I had to go out to the dentist last Friday, which was the first time I'd driven anywhere in three weeks.

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Zoom, WhatsApp, phone, email, text.....but not allowed a hug. Trying to keep busy but missing the contact more and more. GF is high risk and not going to see each other for a while. Can't even watch manage to watch a Netflix episode together. Coping OK. Just so thankful we are both OK while so many others aren't and more are on the front line and putting themselves at risk. Making a noise at 7pm each day to show appreciation

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Hi, Jeff -- so sorry to hear that your GF is high-risk. That does make it difficult for sure. Maybe you can send each other letters by mail too, along with video conference and social media ... it will certainly be a keepsake from this weird time!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Gosh it's so quiet here.  A good thing I guess?  

 

My Dad passed away two weeks ago.  He was on lockdown in his nursing facility, and in isolation having just come back from the hospital.   What a strange experience, going through loss during this - a lovely nurse at his facility gave us time with Dad in his final moments.  For that I'll be forever grateful, but damn - I would liked to have been there for those final moments.

 

Grief of my father - sad but nothing like losing a spouse.  I had a troubled relationship with my father for many years but chose to reconcile in later years.  And for that I'm grateful.   Miss you Dad, but I know you're now in a better place. ❤️ 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hello all!

 

Praying the silence means you all are doing well.

 

How is everyone holding up with the 'rona, as my Northeast people have called it? I can tell you my best moment was a couple Sundays ago: I went out to water the lawn and it was so quiet, I had to stop and listen. There were no noises ... no people, no cars, no birds, no dogs. It was beautiful. I've honestly enjoyed the quiet; living catty-corner to an elementary school means constant noise and foot traffic; parents park on our block (and I have the corner house) however and whenever to drop off and pick up their kids. I don't miss it one bit.

 

Everyone in my sphere has remained healthy and safe, thank God. 

 

I have to say that I spent about a half-hour, sobbing, just a bit ago. A woman I know from church posted that her nephew's father had been murdered by his wife (the boy's mother). She and her husband had taken the boy in because his parents had been living a life that wasn't conducive to a young person ... the nephew is an amazing boy. He's about 12. It hurt my heart. I thought of my own losses, my BF's losses. 

 

I popped in because I realized I hadn't been here in a bit and trying2, I thought of your beloved and the last posts you made about that situation at your family event. I think I have a pinched nerve; it's kept me from sleeping well for a couple weeks now. I woke up from the pain this morning at about 2:30 and sent a message to my doctor about it (again). I will be honest -- I drank about 12oz of red wine while I washed dishes. It helped more than the prescription NSAIDs the doctor gave me. However, I do know I can't self-medicate that way regularly ... I just needed relief. I wonder if your guy was trying to escape something ... 

 

I know it's been a few months since that conversation, but it came back to me.

 

Do pop in as you all are able -- let us know how you are, how your families are. {{{{hugs}}}}

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Hello!  I hope everyone is safe and healthy.  

 

So I have a question about this thread.  It's named between budding and fully committed.  As some of you have been dating someone for quite a while now, do you feel your relationship is still not fully  committed?  If so, are you ok with that?  Do you want more?  

Edited by StillWidowed
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Hey SW! How are you doing? Nice to 'see' you and a very good question.

 

Memorial Day marked four years since my first date with BF. There are things I want that I would describe as 'wanting more', sure. It varies day by day. Over the time since I started the thread, we've talked about everything from cohabitation to marriage and everything in between. I would say the idea of 'full commitment' changes and is different for each of us. 

 

My mom said to me the other day 'as long as you are happy'. I think that sums it nicely. 

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Hi everyone! Long time for me. We moved closer to his job, and I love this area so much more. We had a fight, but now he knows just how much I have been contributing and he realized he has been being a real asshole to me. I mean we are not in a romantic relationship, but if we are going to be friends who look out for each other at this point in life it can't be one sided either, ya know? So I layed  down my boundaries and said NO MORE, that's why I left you 31 years ago so cut this crap out, and he did.

Our son found out I was in the area and freaked out! I figured it's because he's been lying to everyone all this time about me and he's afraid they will all find out the truth now. I haven't even attempted to approach him or his bitch of a wife. They both know the truth, but what really hurts me is the grandkids that I don't get any time with. I know as they get older it will bite him, but for now it's time that no one can get back and he's being to ignorant to see that.

The doctors here are giving me a real hard time about my health issues. They have caused me 2 bad allergic reactions because they don't want to give me the medicine I have been on for over 13 years. Starting to really piss me off. I've provided all my records for them , what the hell more do they want? I'm afraid I'm going to have to get legal help because they are causing me such harm, and I don't need them to kill me from the allergic reactions and not listening to the other doctors or me.... oh well, gotta love it.

I've missed chatting with everyone, and my computer, Hope everyone is ok during this pandemic.

Sorry to hear about your dad t2b, and your friends child arneal.

Much love to everyone, xoxoxo

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Hey everyone! Hope you are all doing well and are safe considering everything going on in the world. 

 

I feel committed however I waver back and forth about future scenarios. I sometimes want more like sharing our lives and cohabiting but I know NG is hesitant and his kids are priority and his kids want to go where they live. I do live in a better school district than they do FWIW but the kids want their friends and what they know. Other times, I’m just fine where I am because I don’t want to move or make any compromises. Something to iron out someday. 

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On 5/28/2020 at 10:41 AM, StillWidowed said:

Hello!  I hope everyone is safe and healthy.  

 

So I have a question about this thread.  It's named between budding and fully committed.  As some of you have been dating someone for quite a while now, do you feel your relationship is still not fully  committed?  If so, are you ok with that?  Do you want more?  

I have been with my guy for over 3 years. We are exclusive but do not live together, we aren't engaged, no plans to get married any time soon.

 

Normally this would bother me, especially after dating for a while. In this case, it's all either one of us can give each other right now. So really it works. Do I want more? Maybe someday, right now I like having my little place in town and being the only one in the drivers seat with my 3 teenagers. I don't want to take on his kids, his ex, his family baggage.

 

About 9 years ago I had a 5 month "marriage"- it was a disaster. (about 3 years after being widowed)- It was the basement below my rock bottom. So I take everything now one day at a time. 

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On 6/5/2020 at 9:51 PM, Sugarbell said:

I have been with my guy for over 3 years. We are exclusive but do not live together, we aren't engaged, no plans to get married any time soon.

 

Normally this would bother me, especially after dating for a while. In this case, it's all either one of us can give each other right now. So really it works. Do I want more? Maybe someday, right now I like having my little place in town and being the only one in the drivers seat with my 3 teenagers. I don't want to take on his kids, his ex, his family baggage.

 

About 9 years ago I had a 5 month "marriage"- it was a disaster. (about 3 years after being widowed)- It was the basement below my rock bottom. So I take everything now one day at a time. 

Similar feelings here...I am with you Sugarbell. There is a small piece of me that Longs for that togetherness I felt when I was married but I’m realistic about my current conditions. 

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