Let Me Go

[Yell120910]

Hi everyone, I am a widow for more than 3 years. My husband died when he was 30 years old. He was treated/rehabilitated for drug dependence, and was clean for almost 6 months before he died.

It has been awhile since my last visit to this forum, but I'm happy I visited the site again.

 

Although 3 years gone by, I am still angry and bitter by the thought that I married a drug dependent husband (please forgive me if I have offended anyone). Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much, but only after 2 year of marriage that I knew he was suffering from drug dependence. He was never really violent nor hit me, but there were moments that I didn't understand him and we argued a lot. The week I found out his addiction, is the same week he submitted himself to the rehab. He was in rehab when I carried our second child. He relapsed after a year of treatment, and promised to never touch drugs again after his relapsed.

 

Before my husband died, there were so many things we agreed to talk about to finally move on to healing and give each other's peace and closure (he promised to answer all my questions before that year ends, 2014). But it never happened, he died August 2014.

 

I am still angry and bitter with so many regrets and questions lingering... Many of our families and friends didn't know he was a drug dependent, and I feel like I have a huge secret to protect and causing me so much pain and stress.

 

Is any one in this forum experienced the same? I feel like I hate him at some point and that I cannot go out in this world freely

I'd like to share one of my poems to you. I made this when I really want to get drunk but so afraid that I will give out my secret to anyone and regret it when I sober

***

Let me go

 

Let me go

I don’t want this kind of ego

I don’t want to live heavy

I want to walk free and happy

 

Let me go

I want to get drunk and let go

I don’t want to hide and worry

How my soul, heart, mind and lips will journey

 

Let me go

And welcome a new day

The past cannot tie and hold

Let’s dance all night with joy

And embrace freedom confident and bold

 

Let me go

My love, those sad truth I own

I want to let go

I want this heart to forever love you

The clandestine let be known

 

Let me go

I want these disquiet and fears

Will forever let me go

 

(Written 12th of March, 2018)

[sudnlysngl]

just beautiful yell, I hope someday you feel that you can just freely let go!

[Yell120910]

Thank you sudnlysngl. 

[MR]

Beautiful poem. I hope telling us is first step in let it go and it might give you peace. May be discuss it with therapist. 

Hugs

Manoj

[Bunny]

Thank you for sharing your poem. Im glad you feel safe here.

 

I can relate to some of this. But I also know it’s different because my husband died sober, so less stigma.  But he was still working shit out, the reasons why he drank and used were still demons clawing at his soul and they did cast shadows on our marriage. I’m mad he died before he could work things out and stop being so angry and verbally abusive- because he really was making progress. I’m mad I put up with his bad behavior. I’m mad at him for leaving me with this complicated grief. I know he loved me. I know he adored me. But he also treated me like shit sometimes and I’m so mad at him for it because it keeps blocking out all the really good stuff. There was so much good but the piles of shit surrounding it stink up the memories. 

 

It will be six years next month. Each year gets easier, but I’m so tired of it. Yeah. I know I totally need a therapist. 

 

 

[Forgottenwife]

On 5/22/2018 at 1:17 AM, Yell120910 said:

I am still angry and bitter with so many regrets and questions lingering... Many of our families and friends didn't know he was a drug dependent, and I feel like I have a huge secret to protect and causing me so much pain and stress.

 

Is any one in this forum experienced the same?

 

Yes. I had a similar experience. Wow did I get angry. Angry that he was dead, angry for all the crazy stuff addicts do, angry that I had no control. You know for me it was hard to acknowledge that anger, and even harder to talk about it. I felt judged for being angry, I felt like I was letting my late husband down. The people would say 'Why are you angry?' 'Its not his fault.' Even 'anger is wrong.' Wrong? Yea, I get it, he didn't want to be an addict, he suffered a great deal. I know, I had a front row seat. He was brilliant and funny and attractive. He also was an addict and eventually took his own life. I wasn't even surprised, yet I was shocked and beaten down and exhausted. 

 

I can relate to what you said. I'm grateful you can share here. You matter. Your experience matters too and its really hard to grapple with isn't it? I know he's the one who died, and I also know the families and loved ones of addicts suffer too. I get in many places, and even here, that is an unpopular opinion. Like we aren't supposed to feel what we feel. Your feelings are valid and you deserve love and compassion and please be gentle with yourself. I hope for you and for all of us really who loved addicts that the anger will subside and peaceful memories and days will continue to be part of our lives.

 

I am so sorry for your loss and for the experience that brings you to this website and to this particular forum. Take care of you. Even though its been years, the feelings are still there, that sounds pretty normal too. I get it. 

[Yell120910]

On 5/24/2018 at 6:34 AM, Bunny said:

I’m mad at him for leaving me with this complicated grief. I know he loved me. I know he adored me. But he also treated me like shit sometimes and I’m so mad at him for it because it keeps blocking out all the really good stuff. There was so much good but the piles of shit surrounding it stink up the memories. 

This is really true at the moment. He was a good person and we had many good memories, too. But right now it's hard to let go of the bad memories, and I am too consumed by these that I can hardly recall the good stuff. I know in my heart that I love him that's why I want to let go the negatives and continue loving him.

 

Thank you so much Bunny. I pray for you, too. 

Edited May 27, 2018 by Yell120910

[Yell120910]

Thank you Forgottenwife for sharing. This is really helpful. Cyber hug!