Three months out tomorrow...

[Bluemoon15]

Did you ever notice that these painful little milestones often fall on a holiday or a day that was special to you and your beloved?

 

When I began writing an inspirational blog in the fall of 2013, I had embraced the adversity in my life, past, present and future, because I had learned that amazing blessings often follow.

 

My empathy and experience destined me to help others, first as a nurse, and later as a writer.  Both jobs have helped me get out of my own head and experience joy again.

 

But the hardest thing I have ever had to do was to apply that philosophy to losing my best friend of 38 years. We had just celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary a mere week before he died.  But no one told me how crushing a blow this was going to be.  No one could.  One has to have been there, down in the dirt, scared, hopeless and so very fragile.

 

How can any type of blessing come out of that?

 

Since my husband was on disability for years, we used to say that the third of the month was our favorite day, because that was when he received his monthly benefit check.  Now, the third of the month has become the worst memory of my life and Saturdays are my least favorite day of the week.  Valentine's day was just days after he had been gone a month, and when does my three month sadiversary strike?  On Good Friday!

 

I had to find a way to keep my love alive, so I wrote a post about Valentine's Day being so much more than just a day for lovers.  To my amazement it was very well received and it is going to be published as part of an anthology about love in the near future.  That decision made me realize that I still have some sort of control over how I feel, and a tiny spark of hope was born inside of me.

 

Tomorrow, I have plans to spend part of the day with a fellow wid and the rest of the day cooking for Easter Sunday, two things I always look forward to.  I am hoping that by making these types of plans that I am protecting myself, just a little bit, from another panicked realization that my beloved is gone forever, that instead, I can reflect on how blessed I was to have him in my life, recount memories with laughter and cry tears of happiness.

 

I'll let you know if it works!

 

 

[Jess]

My husband died suddenly on my father's birthday. My dad met me at the hospital and held my hand as they gave me the news. Some birthday, eh? Luckily, the other anniversaries fell on days that weren't so significant, but for a long while Friday nights and Saturdays were so hard. He'd had his seizure just before midnight and was declared dead at 12:55am. I used to love Fridays and the weekend but then found myself hating them, dreading them, and just being so uneasy.

 

Eventually, Fridays began to happen and I wasn't filled with dread. I can even say that today, 8 months and some change out, I am back to looking forward to Fridays. I think you have a really good plan in place this weekend and I hope that you have as much peace as possible. Eventually, the days like tomorrow will have less power.

[Justin]

 

That decision made me realize that I still have some sort of control over how I feel, and a tiny spark of hope was born inside of me.

 

 

Yes, you do! Early on, Tuesdays (the day of Marsha's death) were rough for me. I counted each Tuesday until she had been gone, until about 9 weeks; I realized one day that it was almost 2PM on a the weekly anniversary of her death before it "clicked" in my head. I soon realized that I didn't have to give power to that day, or any other. If I did, my calendar would soon fill up with days that triggered painful memories because she is no longer here.

 

I tell my myself that I only have to experience each "first" without her one time. Sometimes these holidays still hit me for a tailspin, but I try to do my best to remember the happy times that have occurred and are still waiting to occur. Making new memories helps me a lot.

 

Hang in there,

 

Justin

 

[Bluemoon15]

Thank you, Jess and Justin for your kind and wise words!  Non-wids won't always understand my philosophy, but you get it, and the validation is sorely needed!  The beauty of this board is that someone always relates to whatever stage of grief one is in. 

 

My sister-in-law is not a wid, but she has been instrumental in my decision to try to redefine these painful holiday/sadiversary days by simply being there - every Saturday.  We have a few glasses of wine, cook, talk and yes, even laugh!  While Saturdays still hurt, I no longer dread them.  Instead, I have something new to look forward to, and it became a catalyst for the successful Valentine's Day experiment and the confidence to plan for tomorrow.

[Justin]

Non-wids won't always understand my philosophy, but you get it, and the validation is sorely needed!  The beauty of this board is that someone always relates to whatever stage of grief one is in. 

 

Exactly! I tried journaling, but just couldn't get into it. I was speaking about this with another widower further out, and he explained that he couldn't either because it didn't provide the validation that this board does. Suddenly, it was like "BAM!" and I realized that I felt the same way. I really need that feedback from other wids to keep my perspective.

[Bluemoon15]

Justin, as a writer, I decided to work on a journal of sorts; it's actually the beginning of another book, loosely titled 'Diary of a Sandwich Widow'.  ('Sandwich Widow' referring to those of us in the "sandwich generation")  However, I don't find myself turning to that project daily, as I thought I would, because the validation from other wids is SO much more important to me right now.  Journals don't talk back and neither do manuscripts until one receives that precious feedback from the readers.  I've decided to continue with it, but it won't include daily entries, because some days I'm just not feeling it.  Then again, that should make it more relatable to the reader.  What's said when I do feel the need to write is so much more important than dutifully writing a daily note.