New here. Losing my mind from the pain and agony

[dottiedevi]

I met my fiance online. We were from two different countries. I'm older than him.. and he is from a country where the currency is much weaker, meaning traveling for him was very expensive. So I always flew to him. I would spend a lot of time there with him and could take my work with me and work remotely. We fell deeply in love. I don't want to go into the whole story right now because it would take too long. But basically, he was in a horrible accident. I got no closure. My fiance and I had been engaged for several years. His family spread his ashes without me, hacked into his phone and computer, read VERY private messages. I feel violated and robbed. I was going to marry this man. We were arguing on his last day alive. I can't stand thinking of what happened to his body. Also, an autopsy was performed because in his country, it is the law if one dies of unnatural circumstances. Knowing that this happened to his body just f***s me up inside! It is torment and horror and pain every day. I kissed him, loved him.. he was precious to me and this is what his end was!

 

I recently started seeing a therapist and I feel like it isn't helping. Left the session yesterday feeling worse than I did when I arrived. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm hesitant to go on meds because I feel like... this is not a chemical imbalance. It's situational depression. I'm not just depressed for no reason! The therapist keeps telling me go to see a doctor, but I feel kind of like she's pushing me off. She also suggested an art therapist (not my cup of tea and I don't think it would be helpful for me right now). I feel like I have PTSD and complicated grief. I feel so alone and like I have no one to talk to. He was my everything, my ONE person. And now he is gone. My life feels truly meaningless. I am lost in the world. I don't have a supportive family.. and they do not have a clue what I'm going through. No one in my family has every gone through something like this. I was also expecting a baby when he passed. I miscarried from the stress a couple months after he passed away.

 

[Lisa]

I'm so sorry you haven't received a response! Many of us are far along and allow new people to help each other. yet new people are still finding us. I will speak with our admins and mods about this.

Let me say I am so very sorry for your losses. I found your post heartbreaking. I hope when you reach out people will respond. If not. Private message me. I was dealing with situational depression even before the loss of my husband. I take an antidepressant and do therapy as needed. I did a good solid 9 months of one on one grief counseling

 It was do helpful.  I'm aware of people who have had good success with EMDR therapy. 

I basically just want to reach out and send a virtual hug

[Lisa]

I see you also posted in General discussions and got feedback 

 I'm so glad. Sending good thoughts your way