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I don’t know what to do.


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I lost Daniel on 2/18. He had a heart attack, but had been suffering for a long time from an inhalant addiction. He used inhalants the night he died, so I have to assume that one is the result of the other. 
 

Our marriage hasn’t always been easy, but we loved each other. That I am sure of. And while I know he spent most of his time unsatisfied with life in general and uncomfortable in his own skin, I know he did not want to leave me. He’s been abusing inhalants for years (even though I tried so hard to stop him). I really believe that he thought he would wake up fine the next morning like he had every other morning for years. 
 

I’m struggling. I don’t want to live without him. I feel like my life is over. I don’t understand why he couldn’t stop huffing; why he didn’t see himself as a wonderful soulmate as I did. I hate myself for not doing more to prevent this from happening. I’m angry at myself for spending so much time working and worrying about work instead of spending that time with him. I’m afraid that he died not knowing how much I loved him and how important he was to me. I’m devastated because I didn’t know we were saying our final goodnight and I love you until it was too late. I would do anything to get him back.
 

I don’t know where to go from here. I came back to work today and am crying in my office. Everyone is very understanding and I’m very appreciative of that, but it doesn’t make it any easier to get through the day. I know they’d do anything to make this easier, but we all know there’s nothing anyone can do. 
 

I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest. I’m thankful for a forum like this. I honestly don’t know where to go from here. 

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I am so sorry you are going through this.  I lost my husband just over a year ago to a heart attack and those immediate weeks were so difficult, with many tears, and remain fuzzy to me.  There is frequent good advice on here about continuing to take care of yourself.  Just getting through the day so soon after the shocking loss was a lot for me. 

 

This forum has been hugely helpful to me and I hope it is for you, and maybe check out the forum dedicated in part to addiction, which may resonate with you on some issues. I imagine returning to work seems so hard and still so soon.  Hopefully in time the work place can provide some support for you.  Sending you a virtual hug. 

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Hugs to you SquintyPud.  Welcome to the group nobody wants to join but glad you found us.  We get where you are because we've been there.  At almost 7  yrs out I remember the early days so very well.  Be gentle with yourself, drink lots of water, crying is very dehydrating. Glad to hear your coworkers are very supportive.  Take it one day/hour/minute at a time.   

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Hugs to you SquintyPud. As BrokenHeart2 said, welcome to a group nobody wants to join. I lost my husband a little over a year ago, and somedays are still very difficult. Be grateful you are around people who are understanding. And, this site was such a help to me to know that I wasn't alone and that what I was going through was normal.

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It is such an intense pain,  all you need to do is get through today.  There are going to be a lot of painful days. Eventually, the intensity and frequency of the pain will lessen.  Don't be ashamed to have a smile or laugh when you can. We have been through this, you will get through this too.  A great quote I saw on this site (I think it came from Churchill) is "When you're going through hell, just keep on going."

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Thank you so much, everyone- I guess I honestly never thought something like this could happen to us. I'm enough days into this that now I don't have constant grief, but its even scarier because I'll be fine and the next minute, I'll be the complete opposite of fine. I hate that anyone has ever had to go through this, but it does help me to know that others have been where I am and have made it to the other side where functioning is at least possible.

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  • 1 month later...

SP,

 

I am nearly 14 years out. I lost my wife in 2006 (Breast Cancer) and at the time I had a 10 y.o. son and a 4 y.o. daughter. I rarely come to this forum - indeed, I don't come on the board much at all these days. But today I did and I saw your post. I can tell you that over these many years, I have read posts very similar to yours - the feeling of being lost, the anger, the regrets. My original post was similar, too. From what you wrote, your feelings are very much like so many of us. Please be assured that you are not the only one feeling this way. 

 

Some thoughts, for what they are worth -

 

There are no magical fixes to what is hurting you. It takes time. However, it WILL get better. It's not linear, though - some days you will feel good, then the next day you will slide back to the depths. It's ok, it's normal. One thing that helped me is to remember that you will not always feel as you do today (or even this minute!). Another thing to consider is NOT running from the pain. We are conditioned to do that - if we touch a hot surface, we pull back. But this is different. I found that if I tried to ignore my pain, it kept coming back. It wasn't until I embraced it - accepted it and let it wash over me - that I was able to start thinking about WHY I was feeling whatever these things. Once I got a better understanding of what triggered a particular emotion, the pain lessened.

 

For example, I had a regret similar to  what you stated - why did I focus so much on work (and why did I go to work on the day she died)? I should have been spending every moment with her. But when I accepted the hurt I was feelng, I was able to examine it in detail - why did I do what I did? What did it all mean? What did she think? I found my answer (yours will probably differ) and it's easier now. It's that way with all the other emotions, too.

 

So, 14 years later, life is good. I still miss Cathryn and at times I cry for her. But it's easier now, and doesn't last as long. It took hard work and a lot of soul searching (which, by the way, made me a much better person, I think). Just keep a positive attitude (what I mean by that is to keep reminding yourself that it will get better).

 

Be gentle with yourself (that is a quote from an amazing widow from the predecessor board, YWBB - a person who had so much wisdom and helped be immensely).

 

Michael

 

 

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Thanks so much, Michael- I’m a little farther out from my initial post and I do feel like I’ve made some progress in that month. And it’s as you said- some days are good, some are not. But at least I don’t feel constant, gut wrenching pain anymore. I can say his name without bursting into tears. I didn’t think that would ever happen. 
 

I would still give anything to have him back and I’ll be honest, I find myself taking more risks than I did before. I don’t want to think about living without him, but I am now seeing that even though I don’t want to, I can.

 

i sincerely appreciate your words of wisdom and I will take them to heart. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. 
 

- Janet 

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