Grief, 11 Years later

[candace0902]

Hi all,

I havent been here in a long time; mostly because I thought in the past few years I had come to terms with losing Arnie.  This year hit me like a tsunami.  I lost him on the same day of the week in 2012.  My 13 y/o dog is getting worse everyday.  She is now on pain pills for the arthritus in her legs.  She was diagnosed with cancer almost 3 years ago and I was told it was malignant and very invasive.  They removed the tumor on the top of her head and has been on prednisone ever since and doing well.  Today I found 3 fatty tumors and I dont think she has much time left.  My retirement funds have been decimated with the recession and inflation.  I've had multiple injuries in the last 5 years; broken ankle, broken wrist, torn rotator cuffsi in both arms and my mind is in a constant fog

I have never felt to totally broken like I do now.  I had quit smoking and limited my alcohol to 1 or 2  at night.  I've lostmy appetite and am 25 # underweight.       I'm 65 and have no energy left to keep fighting.  The house is a mess.  I had an enormous tree blown down by the 50 mph winds we had during the period when the entire US was in the extremely low tempurture and high winds.  It cost $1200 to have it removed.  I have another, larger tree a few yards away that will cost thousands to remove. 

And  I am in a tsumi of grief that  I havent felt in years.  All I want to do is sleep.  

My last physical with CT scans showed a tiny nodule on top of my left lung.  The radiologist wrote that because it was so small, that I have another CT scan in 12 months.  There is nothing left to even try anymore.  

 I feel like I openede  Pandoras box only to find hope missing.  Two of my siblings are also fighting a possible cancer diagnosis.  

I apologize for the Debbie Downer post.  Since Covid I have become a virtual recluse; I shop once a week for food and supplies.  I dont want to talk or see anyone because I know I will just hear "It will get easier" or "suck it up buttercup" or any of the unintentional but hurtfull responses like "It is God's plan" or "you should be past this by now" or suggestions from people who havent lost a spouse to rejoin the gym and senior center or to just "eat more or find a way to socialize with people again."  

 

For all those who are suffering either from a recent or long ago loss, my heart is with you and just know you are not alone.

Thanks for listening.

candace

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

[Yell120910]

I hope this reply is not late, but just so you know that I feel you...

I just revisited the site today. I feel like a prodigal daughter who came back to home after many years...

Grieving has no timeline, and you are not alone.

Tight cyber hug.

[Ursula]

Dear, You are not alone. I hope you feel, that someone, somewhere hears you. 

I haven't been here in ages, but somehow I listened to a podcast on grief today and I remembered how many true and wise and heartfelt things I have read here during my early widow time, so I came back and am amazed to read many familiar names, posts from people who expressed what I felt too but was often too overwhelmed to put into words, but also, to see how many of us come back here to share thoughts, because we know, we will be understood.  you are heard and it matters. lots of love.