Seagirl

Thanks for the replies - I am realising that until the anniversary everything will be a first and that after the firsts the ones to come will be hard too. I am now adopting a strategy of micromanaging special firsts, like Christmas coming up which I am dreading so trying to put a micro distraction plan in place as my kids deserve their childhood. I put my neck out and attended a large function to promote our business, which distressingly is called after my husband. It was hard but many people were supportive and understanding (even competitors). It was exhausting. I met a very kind lady again who told me about the impact her father's death had on her mother which was that she stopped living and the impact this had on her as a child. This one struck me quite hard and is encouraging me to perhaps consider myself and my future a bit more. But of course this is scary too.

I will be 5 months tomorrow. It is ok to not be better I think, I am new to this too and there is still so much to process and it is still so raw. We all have different situations and I know that at the moment I wake up each day and don't know if it is going to be good or bad or really bad. I try to get through and try to look forward. I try to convince myself that I have so much to live for but a lot of the time I find it hard to convince myself. I have found that it helps to try to be around a positive person as this seems to help. I know now who these people are and if I can I get out the door to see them. Animals are good I find. I have had times when I have been suicidal, I have rung help lines late at night and even joined a couple of online forums including this one. I find that very few people understand what it feels like and know that there are no words really just raw emotion. Some people understand this and have empathy, others don't. I hear when you say you are sick of people saying stuff, one I get often is you are doing so well, you are so strong etc but I get tired of trying to answer this. I have a lot going on including kids but find that a lot of it is distraction, sometimes welcome and sometimes not. But I say again seek out the positive people, they seem to share their energy and as I find that I get extremely tired this is helpful. I hope this sends some of this energy I have borrowed from these people to you and that some comfort comes to you. I also pray every night as I have always done as this helps for me. Love and hugs to you.

Both posts resonate big time for me - I spent 17 years with an alcoholic husband albeit off drink for the last 3.5 years before he died suddenly in an accident. First 5 years accepting that there was a drink problem, next five years working up to him coming off the drink and for me stopping enabling and the next years living with someone coming off the drink. If anything it all got worst and using the metaphor of 'the shape of the hole' myself and our 3 kids were just not filling that. But since he died I have had clarity around why there was a 'hole' which was I think baggage from his up bringing and family. When he was drinking there was an excuse for inappropriate behaviour towards me, this intensified after he gave up drinking and I sadly realise that we were the easiest target to take out his frustration with 'the hole'. All more horrible as we were I think at the peak of it and his family have chosen to scapegoat me for everything almost like that awful side to our relationship is carrying on from the grave. An awful thing to say I know but just so sad, my husband portrayed a totally different life to his family as to how he was with me in the good times and to how I always hoped we could become all the time. His passing leaves me with such complicated grief as the reality starts to set in - what you miss and what you don't miss and that flipping between different states of mind about it all in the space of a few hours. Amazingly I think I have accepted our time together and have resolved a bit of the why around his drinking and later behaviour. None of this will ever now be accepted by his family, they will hold this image of the perfect idolized son and brother and leave me as the unsuitable wife and now widow in their eyes. Sudden bereavement is just horrible and messy for me and my kids, I will keep checking in as I feel like I don't even want to try to process anything anymore and at least reading here lets me understand that each widow is different and that this is ok. Hugs to the above posters as addiction/abuse mixed in with grief is a nasty cocktail...

So sorry for your loss - 4 months and a big dose of reality and waking up this week. It is all so hard and I feel like the hurting is just starting now. Time has changed for me and days can seem like ages and so much seems to go on all the time and pass me by. I too find it hard to ask for help and as we had a business which has to keep going it looks like I am doing fine but I feel so helpless. But I have found like today that it passes and there are windows when some peace and calm can come in, and there are people who give a shit. And this board helps me to realise that other people have/are going through it and that it is ok to voice those terrible moments when you are just lost. So confusing and complicated, I have 3 girls with no daddy now and they are starting to show their hurt a bit more which hurts me. Today has had the full spectrum of emotions for me and them, strength I am finding comes from unexpected places and as the fog of shock clears I can at least talk more about it all. Hugs to you and hope there has been some 'better' since you posted.

I love that this forum is there and that someone commented that part of grieving and coming to terms with everything is being on a forum like this. I don't always want to post and as a newbie haven't yet got the pearls to offer to others but in time I will. First birthday today, my husband hated family celebrations etc and I was always trying to make it special for him which was all ok, we had our own ways. My hostile in laws arranged a mass but instead of dwelling on it I asked a friend who has been amazing from the night of the accident and she came to support me in church and we had a lovely brunch and I feel ok but sad. No anger or bitterness and just need to be ready for our children coming in after school and help them get through today too - widow lesson learning today : surround yourself with positive people to get through a hard day. Hard to believe that there will never be another birthday with him around...

Thanks for replies - I pulled it together a bit after posting and then got a call from a very supportive friend - maybe she felt my despair. Captain's Wife - I am sorry for your loss and what was clearly a terribly distressing shock and loss - I at least did not have the search scenario as my husband was with 2 other people who immediately recovered him. Our business is on sea and he drowned around our place of work but not working at the time (doing a favour for the two guys). A week and half before the inquest I found a lawyer who had represented the family of a guy in the same business who's brother died in similiar circumstances and we clicked immediately. He is representing me and has put in some incredible work to get us to a verdict of accidental death which was the best result for my husband with no blame. His family attended the inquest but completely ignored me in the court room, all terribly hurtful and I don't think any of them appreciate what was done to get this verdict, the evening before I had 2 divers searching for a piece of my husbands equipment which was not found by the police and other information that had to be reviewed and supplied. The problem is that you are emotionally attached to it all as well as trying to get the result we need for my family's future. With this lawyer I do feel as if I have someone onside and there are people who are trying to help me. It is just the waiting and the fight that I am having to put up for this and having to keep it all low key for the children. Another day got through and this board will definitely help, so thank you to this new community. I will browse and read posts as it is comforting to hear other people's stories and advice but so sad as there are so many of us.

Ok so a new forum which looks just right for me. 4 months today since my husband died suddenly in a tragic drowning accident. It is just awful. I have 3 children now 8, 10 and 14 and everything is so hard. They are a blessing but also need to be minded as they have lost their daddy. For me the grief is complicated. My husband had been an alcoholic but not had a drink for 3 and half years. I moved from another country to start a life with him 15 years ago to a remote rural area. We built a business, house and family together. 3 years before he died we had a very tough time financially and him dealing with alcohol was difficult. Since he died I have also realised how toxic his family were to our relationship. On reflection he was abusive to me over the years but this intensified during the last 2 years. Our house was built next to his mother. But sadly we were recovering financially, I had had counselling a year and half ago which helped me put myself and things into perspective and just 3 months before he died he started taking anti depressants which was just starting to have a positive effect. The piece that was to come was to rebuild our relationship which I wanted to do. And then he died. The shock was immense. As well as dealing with the business which is muddling along it seems it is issue after issue. His family have behaved terribly from the moment he died. They now are playing the 'we will see your children but ignore you' game, which is on my doorstep as his mother lives so close. I understand that they have lost a brother and son but we have lost a father and husband. And business partner. In addition to the loss I am now a single parent of 3 children and trying to survive financially. Because of the nature of the accident life insurance pay out is possibly an issue. Luckily my parents live nearby, I have a good network of friends and supportive neighbours, staff and community. My despair comes from feeling that I have not been able to grieve, that his family's on going treatment of me has denied this along with all of the responsibilities I have for the children and business. I feel that the clock is ticking and my foundations are rocky, and that there is no breathing space. The inquest was 3 weeks ago and was incredibly difficult. I am normally fairly competent at doing stuff but have felt helpless since the inquest and just want it all to be over. I know it will pass but feel very alone and unsupported. Despite our ups and downs and difficulties we shared everything and I no longer have my husband by my side getting through stuff. I have lost the person who I had worked alongside for so long and whilst his absence has made some things easier I feel overwhelmed to be carrying all this burden alone. We always worked well together and did our best to get along, just writing this is helping me to realise what I have lost and I am incredibly sad so at least by finding this forum I can browse and appreciate that other people are out there with the same unfortunate life event.