mona

Don't you think that some of our suffering (I say SOME) is due to either our lack of perspective or our extreme intensity of perspective? Which is it? There are many ways to grieve, to feel sad, and many things that trigger that. Memories, scents, photos, places, THINGS. A side walk. (We walked down this side walk two years ago, one year ago, two months ago), we picked out that paint color together too, we, we, we,.... etc...What is the most painful thing here? Is it the narrowing of our daily narrative, ie reality? Our focus? Who actually does focus like this except for us, the grieving ones? What could I have done with this energy otherwise? The little energy that I have? The one who is streaming TV to numb the mind? The 60% that I have left to eat, sleep, survive? Also is it just me missing him or is there also fear the in knowing that I am now alone? AND with no children. Is it all of these things? Do I have hope? Oddly enough YES. And I'm not dead yet. Isn't this odd?

Hi TornApart, Thank you. That is a good way to look at it. I had plenty of firefighters here when my husband passed now I need the builders. I'm working on it. Yes, I am already a different person. Isn't if funny how death can change you? I think some friends too were never meant to be life long friends even if you thought that at one time. Some cannot keep up with my radical changes. I guess I remain hopeful about the newness of who I am though and what that will bring. What else can I do? Now perhaps I have more courage to try new things? My initial shock of his death has worn off (or starting to wane?) but I see me getting stronger as time passes. And when I say that I mean baby steps. I'll take whatever improvements I can get. I feel like I've had influenza for 3 months straight and now I'm just starting to take a few bites of crackers. I just wish I had someone who understands this great loss near by in the city I live in. These boards are great though. Thanks.

Thanks JeanGenie, I just never thought I would not only grieve the loss of my husband, but (now) at least one of my closest friends! That blindsided me. So the theme here is simply loss. Wait till it happens to you I say secretly, you see how well you do. I read Joan Didion's book called The Year of Magical Thinking on grief. It gave me a lot of credibility. My counselor does too. She says what I am experiencing is unfortunately "normal", loss of old friends and community. And it sucks. I feel hopeful though that who I've become, because his death has changed me, will bring new friendships not ever expected. Fingers crossed, I'm not dead yet. You watch, they'll all be calling me in August because my house at the beach is in the pathway of the solar eclipse. Ha!

bromans, My very wonderful counselor says that most people do not know what to do in times like this. It's not part of their reality. And many are disturbed by the concept of death. Also, depending on your age the younger you are the fewer skills you have in dealing with death in any way shape or form. As we age more of our peers pass and we learn from experience what to do for ourselves and our family and friends. I am young enough that my friends have few experiences sans parents and grandparents dying and much less to with life partners, husbands, wives and even children dying. I want to be less angry and more compassionate and understand that there are reasons they do not get it. After all, it is we whose lives are MOST disrupted and those that call themselves friends went on to continue their daily routine right after the memorial. Me; I only just started back to work after four months leave from work. So, only now I may begin to find routine. My "friends" had routine immediately.

I went through all his old texts and emails and I saved all his voice messages. I know that sounds like torture and on some level it is but I think it helped me process. I felt like I was searching for some kind of lost message or clue to something. So sorry. I feel your pain.

Hi I'm new here. My husband passed away three months ago after battling cancer for many years. I am grieving heavily to say the least. No two days seem to be alike on some levels. The topic I want to talk about today is how I am disappointed in my community and my husband's for not reaching out to me more. The weight of my grief has been on one friend who calls on me and checks on me. That just seems reasonable doesn't it? She has been feeding me, coming over to do dishes etc...I feel mad at everyone and I have to ask myself if it is I that is not being fair to them or reasonable in my anger? My other "best" friend has now distanced herself from me because I asked her to stop judging me. (long story there.) I am so fragile and raw right now. I wish I could find all new friends who know what I am going through. My husband always used to say "you have a hall pass" and I do! I feel like a pariah. I feel like I have to take care of them rather than the other way around. I am going to counseling but I feel so lonely. I am considering group grief support even though that is totally not my style but I am desperate for understanding. I would like to know how you have dealt with the loss of friendships and community upon a death. It is the last thing I expected.

Hi I'm new here. My husband passed away three months ago after battling cancer for many years. I am grieving heavily to say the least. No two days seem to be alike on some levels. The topic I want to talk about today is how I am disappointed in my community and my husband's for not reaching out to me more. The weight of my grief has been on one friend who calls on me and checks on me. That just seems reasonable doesn't it? She has been feeding me, coming over to do dishes etc...I feel mad at everyone and I have to ask myself if it is I that is not being fair to them or reasonable in my anger? My other "best" friend has now distanced herself from me because I asked her to stop judging me. (long story there.) I am so fragile and raw right now. I wish I could find all new friends who know what I am going through. My husband always used to say "you have a hall pass" and I do! I feel like a pariah. I feel like I have to take care of them rather than the other way around. I am going to counseling but I feel so lonely. I am considering group grief support even though that is totally not my style but I am desperate for understanding. I would like to know how you have dealt with the loss of friendships and community upon a death. It is the last thing I expected.