robunknown

My son (7) was getting his hair cut and she brought up his mom somehow (I can't remember what she said). Before I could think of something to say, his immediate response was, "My mom died". (My jaw was on the floor). Without missing a beat her immediate response was, "Oh, I'm sorry. My mom died too.", and the conversation moved on without skipping a beat. She was tipped extremely well.

Good point. Helping the caregiver is huge (as we know). I remember people always saying, "If there is anything we could do...", but I would never think about what they could do for me personally as I was so focused on DW. It took a hospice therapist to encourage me to take a sick/vacation day from work without telling anyone else, just so I had some time to myself. She told me I had to remember how to have fun, because caregivers can forget, then that just compounds grieving later.

Hey Shelly. Welcome! When my mother found out I was looking to date, she tried to set me up with someone she met. It never got to the first date, but I'm quite sure it was the whole, "Widower with kids" that was the issue. I decided to do the online dating thing, mostly because it put my "widower with kids" status out in front. That way they could "reject" me without me even knowing, or they could choose to embrace it. You want someone who is going to accept you and your kids for who you are, it doesn't sound like this guy deserves the privilege of your time. I wish you the best of luck.

As a guy. Contrary to popular belief I absolutely think men are more likely to talk being exclusive earlier in the relationship along with the "L" word. I'm in an exclusive relationship now where we both say we love each other. For me I wanted to be exclusive after the second date (week 2), but I didn't tell her as I thought it was too needy of me. I waited until I thought she was dropping a lot of hints about being exclusive and I brought it up at about 7 weeks. Turns out she wasn't seeing anyone else and hadn't even crossed her mind, but she liked the idea.

This ^^^ is exactly where I started. Don't get ahead of yourself, enjoy the moment!

Momtojandj: For one reason or another they are not interested enough, and you just need to remember it's not personal. They could be in a relationship with someone and it was convenient to talk to you at the time. That's why I don't really talk more than a few back and forths before I tell them if they have a few minutes to give me a call. Most people ghost me here, but they weren't actually looking for a date just a pen pal. When they actually call me, I already have a place picked out for a date (if they don't sound crazy) and I set the date within 10 minutes and get off the phone. This helps me weed out those people who, for some reason or another are not available to date me. This is done before I put any emotional time into this person. Ghosting sucks.

Thanks I'm pretty excited (though a little cautious) It's funny you say that Mizpah. I dated someone over the winter. Then I had pretty much found someone who wasn't emotionally available like I thought I wanted to be. Once I figured out I was open to be emotional again I ended it. I think I definitely needed a "starter" (lol) relationship to see where I was at.

Thanks Toosoon. Yeah, one of the factors I always forget is that just because my wife passed, doesn't mean the trauma of taking care of her for so long is totally removed. The trauma didn't magically disappear into grieving her loss. It is that caretaker trauma, the walls that were built up as DW and my relationship changed, I think are crumbling for the better.

I’m in a new relationship now with a widow. The “L” word is not far away. It’s not that I feel guilty about the relationship. But these feelings...well, I haven’t felt them in a very long time, not since DW. It feels like I am walking down an old familiar, overgrown path that leads to somewhere amazing I haven’t been to in a long time. Part of me wants to start sprinting down the path (moving the relationship too fast), part of me is fearful the path will just fizzle out (it just won’t work out). I was lucky to have my DW tell me this is what she wanted for me and our son after passes. I’m just finding the new process of falling in love, while absolutely beautiful and wonderful, is dredging up old grief and that fact took me by surprise. I’m back down to just taking things day by day.

I'm a year and 9 months out. I remember where I was mentally at 6 months. What I found I needed was something to look forward to, instead of just replaying the past. I planned a couple vacations 3-4 months out. I think that really helped me. I also started to notice the moments in which I would start to pile drive myself emotionally into the ground. Early on I tried to "lean in" and go with the pile driving, but I soon realized that it never made me feel better. Now when these moments come up, I acknowledge them, but whatever activity I was doing I stop and do something else to break up the thought process. I wish you well. Hang in there.

I guess you could say I am a seasoned user of online dating now. As a man, my stats line up with what I have generally found online for a guy. Here is my experience. Men do most of the messaging, women do most of the sifting of emails. I'll spend about 5 minutes writing an email to someone. It will only be 1-2 sentences. You don't need to be cleaver, if she's interested, she'll write back. I don't want someone writing back to me only because of a cleaver comment and then disappear after her one response (She was never interested in me anyways, and it just wastes my time): - 81% of my messages go unanswered (80 messages sent) - 15% turn into some kind of back and forth where she disappears when I propose a phone conversation or meeting - 4% turn into actual dates It's rare someone messages me. I'll get "likes" and "winks" that sometimes get me to write them an email. I have had only one woman contact me that ended up in a date. My operating mode is that I don't do texting relationships. This weeds out a ton of people that are only looking for a pen pal, they disappear once you try to move it to a phone call or meet up. Within a couple of email exchanges I'll give her my number to call me to talk for a few minutes. If she calls I'll only talk for 10 minutes before I ask when she is available to go out. I'm ready with a time and place. If you waste all your conversation on emails or phone, you'll have zero to talk about when you meet up. If you tell her all about herself, that kills any curiosity she had about you. I know people on here will say that they need more time talking to someone before they meet up. I've never had anyone say, "I'm not comfortable talking or meeting just yet", they just "poof" disappear. This just has been my experience.

Great advice. Thanks everyone, and thanks Mike.

I think I'm just protecting my insecurities on her in this situation. She actually has done a ton for her kid and made sure in the divorce agreement that there were college funds being made and life insurances with the kid's name as the beneficiary. She is a little more "free range" than me, but not to ridiculous level. She is probably thinking I hover to much, lol. She may have a point. I'll probably bounce things off of close to get some 3rd party perspective on topics asuch they come up

I have been seeing my girlfriend seriously since October. She is divorced with a son the same age as mine (~7). I feel I am overly cautious with my son, and I try to be very calculating in the decisions I make for him. For me I am fulfilling a promise to my DW that I gave on her deathbed to take care of him and put him in the best position for success. For me if he turns out to be a loser I have no one to blame but myself and I failed him and her. For my girlfriend I feel that in her mind if the kid ends up being a loser, she has plausible deniability to herself that it was her ex-husbands fault. I can see this being an issue in future decisions with us. Thoughts?

So my car's satellite radio hasn't worked in a few days so I've just had the radio on. On the way into work this morning I realized that I haven't hit the pre-selected channels DW had programed into the car. Before I hit the first button I wondered if I'd be sent some kind of message. No joke, the first words I heard instantly were, "so hello from the other side, I've must have called a thousand times..." [Adele's song Hello] I started laughing because if I was DW, what better contemporary song and phrase to pick.