Kater

How happy am I that I kept the site book marked and somehow just noticed today the icon for it had changed? I didn’t post a whole lot before, so y’all might know me, but many of your names are familiar to me and I’m so happy to ‘see’ everyone again. (Congrats to you Maureen!) It will be 7 years for me in December (whaaaat?!?). I remarried in June 2021, and life is clipping along. Still think about S everyday and thankful to have a partner that happily listens to my stories. Now I’m gonna go read my old posts …

Leadfeather, I feel the same way. It will 5 years for me on Dec 29. It still hits hard some days. But I too am re-coupled (not officially married but we bought the house and joined our doggy families :)). My 47 year old cousin recently lost her husband who she had been with since they were teens. I pointed her to this site as it was so helpful to me. I still pop by now and then. I don’t think I will ever not be connected to the widow part of me. The experience is so much a part of who I am now. I am immensely thankful that my new partner seems to completely get it and supports me on my sad days. Never asks me to be or feel anything other than what I am. Who ever thought in those deep dark days of despair that there could be light again...?

I'm Kristie. Not sure I've ever used my real name here, but there it is. I lost my husband of 20 years Dec 2015. I was 45 at the time. I was not part of the old board, but found a tremendous comfort in the community that was on this site. It always amazed me, and still does, how similar the experience was for many of us. To know that I was not going crazy, or well, that I was, but it was all "normal" in the grieving process, helped me to accept what was happening and move through it rather than fighting the feelings. I don't come here all that often, but from time to time I visit to connect with the widow part of who I am. Life has changed so much for me in the 4.5 years since he died. I have moved cities, changed jobs, re-coupled and generally just feel like a different person than I used to be. I think many of my relationships with my family and long-time friends are different. Not necessarily better or worse, just different. I think so much about people that have recently lost spouses in this time of lock down. What stands out for me the most about the widow experience was just how desperately lonely I felt. Always. And I can't imagine anyone having to experience that without even the slightest reprieve felt over a coffee with a friend or a hug now and then. If you are one of the recently widowed, I hope you are able to find some comfort and company here as many of us did.

So sorry for your loss. It’s awful. I distinctly remember how difficult it was to not have him there to tell things to. So I wrote him a letter every single day. Sometimes it was mundane things that I wanted to tell him. Sometimes it was how much I missed him and why was he not here? Sometimes those notes were written at 2 in the morning when I wasn’t exhausted enough to fall asleep otherwise. I filled 3 or 4 notebooks with those letters. Gradually, I felt less and less of a need to do it, but it was always there when I needed. It was really helpful for me. I am about 3.5 years out now. I know in the early days, people would say that it would get better. In a way, I didn’t really want it to get better. I couldn’t imagine how life would ever be ok, or that it should be ok, without him. But things eventually softened and eased, and they are, indeed, better. But for now, just do whatever you need to do to make it through today. I’m glad you have a supportive community, and you always have one here. Kate

Candace, it’s so true isn’t it - yesterday but a lifetime ago. Thanks all for your comments. This community was so important for my sanity in the early dark days of grief and now I learn so much from you all as I navigate through this next phase of what is starting to feel like my “new normal”. Kate

This: “Any widow will tell you that the anniversary date of your late spouse’s death will give your soul a stir.” It’s what brought me here the last couple of days (tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary). It never ceases to amaze me how similar my thoughts and feelings are to others that have experienced this loss. It’s why I so value this community. Judy, your piece was beautifully written and was so relatable. Thank you for posting it. Kate

First off, I always feel like I need to explain when posting as I don't post often and not nearly as often as I read. This site was soooo helpful to me in the early days and it still is a destination for me when I need to feel connected to others that get it. Thanks to everyone that does post as it is your discussions and comments that make these boards helpful for us lurkers But as happens from time to time, I have something that I feel compelled to put "out there" and this is the community that I feel most safe doing that in. Tonight is the 3 year anniversary of Stoni's heart attack. Although he didn't die until the 29th, he was unconscious in the days between. This day feels a bit more difficult as it was the last time I heard his voice, and the night it became apparent that our time together was likely coming to an end. As it does, life has changed tremendously in those three years. I have moved cities, recoupled, changed what I am doing work wise...basically started life over. But all considered, it's good and it's even starting to feel "normal". Not too long ago, I heard someone use the expression "two things can be true at once", I think in the context of politics. But I thought it was also the perfect description for when we start to find happiness again after loss. We can be happy and sad. When we recouple, we can love our new partners AND love and miss our others. It isn't one or the other. One of the things that I so love about NG is that, without ever having to explain one word of that to him, he gets it. I knew it before, but it was crystal clear tonight. NG was doing some work, so I turned off the TV and in the quiet I started replaying the events of 3 years earlier in my mind. I started reading some old journal posts I had written during the first December without Stoni. I can so easily go back to how I was feeling at that time. I was in the midst of all that when NG stopped for a bit of a break and said, "I feel a bit awkward asking you this, but is there anything special that you'd like to do on the 29th in memory of Stoni?" I nearly fell off my seat that he would ask that when he did. He didn't know what I was reading nor the significance of today. Through tears I thanked him for asking and said I'd give it some thought. We talked a bit about things and then he told me that one time when he was at my place he told Stoni (in a picture) that he would take good care of me. This was before we were even a couple. (We were colleagues and developed a friendship after Stoni died with no real intention of pairing up...until we found out how compatible we are). For someone that has not lost a spouse (he's divorced), he is incredibly understanding. And so while I am very much thinking of Stoni at this time of year, missing him and the life we had together, I am so, so thankful for the new relationship I have and that I don't have to choose. I can fully live both of my truths.

I think it's interesting. I generally feel an immediate kinship with anyone that I learn is widowed, regardless of age. About 18 months after S died, I spent a month in NYC as a get away from life. My mom was coming to join me so I was meeting her at the airport. While waiting, I struck up a conversation with a lady maybe in her early 60s. I told her my story and she said she was meeting her sister who had lost her husband a few months before. When her sister arrived, she introduced us and I told her I too had lost my husband. It was like we instantly connected. Our eyes welled up and we talked a bit about how difficult it was and then we hugged before departing. And then there are the two older widows at my church that clearly knew my husband well. One has never even remotely acknowledged my situation and the other barely has offered a word of support. There are others that were just lovely, but these two always had me a bit baffled. Maybe it's an age thing, maybe its just a personality thing. I don't know, but I agree it feels weird when it isn't even acknowledged.

Possession on my house -our house -was this past Tuesday. It took us nearly 6 months of house hunting to find this one. It was love at first sight. I am not much for material things, but I loved this house as did he. We often sat in it marvelling that it was really our house. The decision to sell it was difficult, but I have to say in those final days of packing I was so sick of it all that I just wanted to be done and out. I have not really lived in it since September as I have been on a year off. I feel I did a lot of my grieving for leaving prior to. But it really is hard. As has been mentioned, it is not just a house but a home full of memories and hopes and dreams. I get that it is the end of a chapter that we didn’t want to end. I told someone that we only moved in in May 2013 (he died Dec 2015) and it was supposed to be our forever house. They pointed out that for DH, it was his forever home. I do like that idea.

Thank you for bumping. I have not seen this before. Thought it was great so posted it to FB for my fellow wids there. Didn't take long before the helicopter showed up. "you're so brave" "I am in awe of you", etc. And then my favorite, "this is a good analogy for life's journey, not just grief". Sigh. When will I learn that people don't get it, they won't get it and many don't even care to try. (I did have one friend thank me for posting as she said it was helpful to try to understand what people go through when they lose someone so close). I know it doesn't matter but for some reason it kind of does....

Yay, yay and yay. I am so happy for you! That is great news. Congratulations. K.

Sending you hugs, Maureen. As we all know, time is so altered now. I just passed the 2 year anniversary, so that means when I lost S, you were about where I am time wise. It’s still so odd to me how raw and recent it feels sometimes, and at other times, it feels like another life ago. When I was new to this, I would have thought 4 years was a long time. Now I know the number in front of “years” means little. I hope all the best for you. K.

I am in the middle of my "run away" year Although I prefer to call it my "figuring out what the he!! I'm supposed to do with my life now" year. Like you, I don't really have much responsibility and so was able to take a one year leave of absence from work. I pushed through for about a year and a half without a break after S died (funeral was on Friday, back to work on the following Monday) and I was tired. I having a hard time caring about anything, my job included, and it was starting to show. However, since I teach at University, I have 4 months off in the summer anyway, so my time off really is 16 months in total. I am 6 months into it. Learning how to really be on my own was part of the objective of the year. I am currently in a city where I know nobody. I am taking a yoga teacher training course and am teaching one class at the University (trying to see what life is like here and whether I might want to move), so I have social interaction almost daily. Honestly, I am starting to enjoy this time to myself. Of course, with technology, it is easy to keep in touch with family and friends, but I am finding less and less desire to do so. I'm all about connecting and visiting with people, so I'm surprised, and frankly, a bit concerned, that I am becoming this comfortable on my own. Now...in the interest of full disclosure...I am in a new'ish relationship, however, he is in a different city so we don't see each other often but we do talk everyday, so I am not really feeling isolated because of that. People have asked me why I picked this city. A few years back, S and I were talking about moving further west and this was one of the cities that was on our list as a possibility. In fact, this would have been about the time we would have been thinking of moving. I do have many moments when I think that we were supposed to be here together. I have only made arrangements to be here until the end of December. Really have no idea where I'll be after this. Good chance, part of the time will be spent packing up "our" house and putting it up for sale. Not even sure, at this point, that I will return to my home, which means leaving a good job and my community of friends. Everything is up in the air at this moment. So did it help? I don't know yet but it felt necessary. It has given me some space to think about what I really want out of life, what is important and what isn't and to know that I can be OK on my own. Good luck with your decision. Kate

Thank you for updating us and for the beautiful words about him. I too had communicated with him privately from time to time. He really was a special man. Just 3 weeks ago I arrived in Victoria, BC where I will be until the end of the year. We had planned to connect while I was here and yesterday I had a very strong thought that I should text him to let him know I was here. I am deeply saddened by this news. Once again it is a reminder to not take a single day for granted. Kate

Your comment about smelling her perfume making your knees give out reminded me that I had the exact same experience. My husband was rather well known for his great smelling cologne. I often squirted a bit on my hand so I could smell it throughout the day. I used to write him a letter every day before bed. Sometimes it was at 1 or 2 in the morning. I'd get really tired writing then could easily fall asleep. It felt like I got to tell him about my day, and was a little bit like that end of the day conversation. I am sorry for your loss. It all just sucks. Kate