lost35

I have a great and truly amazing group of friends from my son's school. They are there, though it all, for each other...it's a rare find! It's funny though, how often the conversation turns to how much work they have at home or with the kids, or how little their husbands have done that week, or how hard it is, financially. I get it. I really do. And they just need to get it out to deal with it all. In the meantime, I sometimes try to blend into the wallpaper so as not to make the conversation awkward. It's my Super Power. Learned and perfected over the years...

It's really just that I still love him. Really, truly, deeply, madly love him. I was waiting all day that day, to talk to him and to see him when he got home, as I had something important to tell him. The phone rang and I jumped up and ran because I just really needed to hear his voice. But it wasn't him. And never would be. It's been years. Almost ten. I can't help it. I just miss him. I don't know how else to be. It's not easy. But in the end, it just is what it is...

Thank you for the kind response...I re-read this post and in the light of day, didn't like the sound of it...must have been feeling sorry for myself last night!!! -L.

Stunning photos. At least they are proof that even when it's difficult, life can be beautiful. I've become a big believer in looking for the little, lovely bits; like conversations with 70 year-olds who understand, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded in beautiful scenery. Saving for the next adventure. According to my little guy, that might be Lego Land. Ha. Somehow, I think that might just be amazing... Movement is good. Have fun planning the next. -L.

I remember the first airport arrival after Everything Happened...it was so odd to walk out of that metal tube to no one... Since then, there has been Bella Bella, West Coast BC...one of the most amazing moments of healing, early on... Then Kona, Hawaii. Warm sun and fruit and coffee and air that smells like flowers. Home to N. Ireland when little guy was ten months...more therapy! Last year was LA and Disneyland with sister and brother-in-law. When not on an airplane we have moved...so yes! Running away does help. Some how. I've always thought that movement is good and our mantra was, when in doubt, jump off the jetty! I hope the movement was what you needed. I hope it did your heart good. We are in the midst of planning What Comes Next. (I still hate airports, but that is not going to stop us).

I found out I was pregnant with our son ten days after the accident. That ten days was hard! I lost my entire family. I was 35 and knew it was not going to happen...and then one day I looked down and wondered why, if I was so skinny (I lost so much weight in those days), did I have that little belly? I was just talking to some school mom friends the other day, about a little girl I had seen who looked like the little girl we might have had, had we been able to have another. She looked so much like him. She was beautiful! It's been a hard go...watching my little guy struggle with being an only. He told me the other day he is going to have fifteen children; I think to make up for it. He used to beg me in the car for siblings. But it is not to be. I recently came to know a foster baby who has issues, who I've fallen in love with. But I couldn't say yes to adopting him, because his future is so unpredictable and I remember how achingly hard those years were when I was doing everything alone...I just didn't know if I could handle any major challenges on my own. I think I've made the wrong decision. I'll never know. I wish there was a more clear indication of what was a good decision and what was a poor one. Rambling now...sorry. Yes, I wanted more children. But I also want to be careful to not end up back when it was really difficult to manage. The conflict is unbearable in some ways...

First, my son is only eight. I have no right to post here, but do so with a large grain of salt attached... I have a good friend who gives good advice and who is, more often than not, correct about things I can't see quite yet; it is her gift. She always says, the very first rule, is to remove yourself from the situation as completely as you can. "It's not about you and your feelings and all the things that happened to you in the past that make this 'something.'" In other words, objectively, what does your son need? What will help him be successful? And it's okay to do nothing while he struggles. You are not responsible for his feelings or happiness (again...it's "you" in there) You are allowed to support him while he figures it out. My friend's advice has been helpful in so many circumstances...it allowed me to feel the right to post here, as I think I may be using the same words to guide me later, when he is older. When I was eighteen, I was allowed to live at home if I was going to school full time. When I took a semester off to save money for a trip to Europe, I paid rent. $400.00 a month. (This was a long time ago!) I put forth the argument that if I was paying rent, I was free to come and go as I please, which was hard to accept, but they did. It was fair on both sides. The best part was, the money went into an account which would pay for tuition, if I returned to school, or would be a holiday fund for my parents, if I did not. Win/win. Good luck to you, and to them!

Happily, and thankfully, there are people out there (like Travel Agents) who make a living taking care of things. Do they know how important they really are? I hope they do!

I needed to be reminded of something, today and this week, and I didn't know what it was until this evening. I needed to be reminded that there is a greater good, and no matter what we are dealing with, there is simply, always a way to contribute. So thank you so very, very much for that.

Maybe it's a good sign there isn't a line-up... Thank you for starting this thread tonight. Today was really hard, in a way I haven't felt for a long time, and it is good to know some things haven't changed. <3

So far this evening, I've replaced the broken front door lock...that was an adventure. My son and I had finger food for dinner in the spirit of the holiday... My Great Pyr x is now growling at fireworks out the window (it's early) and my eight year old (?!) son is playing a game on his new Switch and getting a bit frustrated as he tries, for the first time, to make it to Midnight. I've got homemade wine (thanks, Dad) and the house is warm, so we are good. It's been a long while since I've been here, but I needed to come back, it seems. Good luck and Great Peace to you all in 2018... -L.

Cheap red wine, a great dress and good company on a cardboard rocket ship for New Year's Eve...Now this is living.

I love it! I found a fancy silver model online but quickly realized I have no idea how to upload to this site. So the purple number will do. And tonight I'm drinking cheap red wine, for the record.

Ha! As the world turns...now I need the ride! Thanks for this. :)

Hellooooooo! It's been ages since I've been here, except for the other night when I needed it, then read what I'd written and felt bad...I should be better by now!! But it's about to turn 2018 and all of this started November 2008 and it seems like another turn around the sun, somehow. Anyway, after feeling guilty for posting not at my best, I deleted my account. Then came here and saw this post and it reminded me of bigger and better things than what I'm feeling at the moment; I remember that night! And the New Years preceding it. My little guy had a cardboard rocket ship in the living room one particularly difficult night and it sparked an idea... So, nine years later, and heading into the first new decade since everything, which is apparently a big milestone, somehow, I would most humbly (and bumbly...thanks typo) ask that you pick me up on Good Ol' Vancouver Island, BC. I don't have anything made of tinfoil, but I know my way around a roll of duct tape and can probably figure out something... Thanks Admin, for adding me so quickly. Sometimes, you just need to be home for the holidays. -L.