canadiangirl

OP and mods, sorry for a post that's long and a bit off-topic: Portside, permit me to speak factually and logically to you. First, the people we characterize as DGI are not privy to the term and cannot therefore be insulted by it. No harm is caused and therefore it is not a slur. Discussing people who DGI is a way of making us feel that we speak a common language and shared experience post-loss, yet you repeatedly try to sow division on what is really a minor point. Is it worth it? More importantly, the OP said here in response to your post that she thought this was supposed to be a safe, supportive place. That should be your clue that you were making the OP feel the opposite way. It's not a matter of dissent, it's belittling, so no, support cannot be inferred. This is not the first time, hence my scold. It is a fact that, while the vast majority of your posts are supportive, a simple search shows that there was board-related drama b/c of your demeaning posts in May 2016, June 2016, August 2016, September 2016, June 2017, September 2017 and May 2018. You were legitimately called out on those occasions for the tenor of your posts and you know that people have left the boards or frequented them less often in part b/c of such behaviour (I am one: fact). Yet you have shown no evidence of learning, self-reflection, or acceptance of responsibility. On the contrary, you positively defend your right to speak without self-censoring b/c of the rules of the forum ("I will not stop"). But did it never occur to you that other people self-censor here or don't post at all out of fear that you or others will cyber-shame them? How is that just or inclusive? The risk is that all voices are NOT being heard. I support your right to be here without censure/censor from the mods- you help many people and we are all adults- the mods should not have to intervene. I remember your story and I admire you in many ways. But most people come here for support and validation, not your version of "tough love". The truth is, love and its loss has been tough enough on all of us. We suck it up IRL so should feel free to vent here without feeling policed. And grief is an equalizer - we are not each other’s subordinates, we all have valid experiences. Here is my suggestion for you if you really wish to support others' mental health and freedom to speak on these boards: Logic-based decision tree for empathetic posting: 1) Was I asked for advice? Yes: post. No: don't post (unsolicited advice can be condescending) 2) Will my post make the OP feel smaller, ashamed or belittled, or is there a risk of it being interpreted like this? Am I trying to win imaginary points? Do I need a Snickers? Yes: don't post. No: post away. 3) Is my post truly supportive of the OP? Yes: post. No: don't post. I would have sent this to you privately instead of risking cyber-shaming you myself, and I apologize to you and others if this appears negative or hypocritical, but I didn't want to let your kind post stand unanswered. I pray that you will accept these remarks in the respectful and constructive spirit in which they are offered. I won’t be here for a while again but I am now going to donate to widda.org, which is a support to many and helped me so much overall. Peace to you and all of our fellow wids. Be well.

DGI is not a slur and calling it that is ridiculous. It makes it falsely and egregiously equivalent with true slurs that diminish society. Portside, your belittling posts like these are a reason I rarely visit anymore. It is not okay. You need to stop. RAM, I am glad he is at least asking questions to try to understand- I hope things get better.

I haven't been on lately but it is nice to see some familiar names. I came here to say with all my heart I MISS MY HUSBAND. Specifically. This hour, this minute. At 4.5 years out, I am not holding onto grief, I don't care about recoupling (shout out to soloact), I still feel trauma as a lot happened during his illness, at his death and afterwards that was and continues to be be overwhelming (yes yes I am getting help). There are few people in my life that could understand the yearning and longing (and some residual anger) that I still occasionally feel at times like this. I'm fine, I am outwardly coping, my child is okay and I have a lot of hope for the future, but good lord I am still going day by day. I am still grateful for a lot, including that for others life has become more peaceful, even joyful again in similar or more extended time frames. My heart goes out to those who suffer even more, because I know there are plenty of those people, who often stay silent for many reasons, including the stigma of still struggling when the expectation (even here) is that we have taken control again of our happiness and future. We all know that life does not always conform to the expected or desired narrative. Sometimes that control is elusive.

I am sorry about your friend. Just wanted to support what others have said- there are lots of good ideas here. My DH never accepted his terminal prognosis (not glioma, although there were mets to his brain later), so I had to come up with creative ways to ensure that some of the administrative things I needed to be dealt with were, like a will, making all our accounts joint, etc. If you know his wife well enough, that honestly might be the best person to coach or offer financial advice to, out of hearing of your friend if possible if he does not raise those things with you himself. I would not assume that because you have a tight-knit community and he is well-known that they are being adequately supported or, if they are now, that it will continue to be this way after the great efforts you are making in fundraising plateau. Friends SCATTERED, even close ones. It was just too much. Where we did receive help over the 4+ years, the best was in respite, people proactively offering to sit with my husband and small child so I could get out to do errands or just breathe, and in (again) proactive help- not waiting to ask but just doing things, like gardening or dropping off food. As a caregiver, it was a relief not to ask for help but for help to come. For my husband, when he became house-bound, he really wanted company but again would never have thought to ask. He heartbreakingly did not want to be a burden on anyone, not that he was. He liked to just sit with people; he wanted undemanding company. He didn't want to talk about cancer, or his non-future, or beating the odds. He wanted normal conversation and to pretend it was not happening for a bit. As the person on the other end of the conversation, this can be tough as it is surprising how much we actually talk about future things, and my husband had trouble coping with future talk, knowing he would not be present. The past is a safe zone, and you might revive some good memories that you might be able to share with his wife and kids later. My husband liked to look at photos with friends and family, and I did that kind of project with him to ensure his memories of the events in them were captured for our child. While he was well enough, he got into RPG video games on the computer to pass the time as he was not mobile. Music became a source of comfort. My husband loved vintage cars- one thing I organized with the local Jaguar group but could not follow through with because he was too ill was an outing in his favourite model of Jag (1963 e-Type)- I reached out to the local club and someone generously agreed to take him for a spin. That kind of thing. Try to help him have some fun. I hope this helps. Good luck.

So sorry, Euf. Your last sentence is gutting. Sending virtual hugs from here.

This. It has been 2.5 years since I wrote the original post, and my feelings have not changed in any way. I truly admire the energy that others have in finding another partner --all my attention is on my child, or work, or managing the workload that my DH would have been responsible for...there is nothing left after that. I still have PTSD symptoms. Maybe I will change my mind when I have an empty nest. But, looking at Lost35's post...I still miss my DH too. He was sick for 4.5 out of the 6 years I knew him. It changed our relationship. Some days the longing to get to know him better, an opportunity denied me, takes my breath away, even now. It is him I want, not another. And I am still OK with that.

Too right, fairlanegirl, but I don't tailor my Facebook posts to my audience, so I don't honestly expect others to either, really. And yes, TooSoon, no matter how ugly the divorce, watching your partner actually die by inches...they do not compare. It was more just...buddy, don't complain, try solo parenting forever...and wistfulness, even after 4.5 years. It has been so hard, and I still ache for my husband, who got such a raw deal. He would have loved to have had the problem of being sole caregiver for 6 days. Sigh. Facebook. But you know, it has helped me stay connected with so many through these rough years. Otherwise, I would have wilfully been cut off from humanity, except perhaps via these boards (shout out to Justin and Jess). Take care all.

Hi, I haven't been on here for a while but it is good to catch up. Posting here b/c you all will get it. Guy friend's wife is out of town for 6 days, and he posts on Facebook: "..begins 6 days of solo parenting today..." And I am not responding in any way, but you all know the replies I am making up in my head.

Thinking of you today.

Thank you for sharing. I remember his posts. I am glad you got to know him, and he you. I am sorry for your loss. And like others, my heart goes out to his daughter. I will raise a glass to my fellow Canuck tonight.

Sending hugs. Hope the better weather is helping.

nonesuch, I am so sorry to hear this. You are in my thoughts.

I feel really torn about Sheryl Sandberg writing about this. I admire her as a role model with "Lean In", I think it's great that the experience of young widowhood and grief will be discussed more as a result of her personal experience and new book, and I have honest empathy about her loss and that of her children. We're around the same age. But...the fact that she can write a book in a relatively short period after her loss, the story in CNN about crying hysterically upstairs while Facebook people were coming for an important dinner...this is where our stories are radically different. This tells me she has HELP and quite a lot of it because few young widows with children who do not have the same privilege have that kind of time, no matter how smart and driven. I know this seems like sour grapes and unattractive envy, I guess it's just where our stories diverge. I may still get her book out from the library, I am glad she is speaking out and she has my respect...but I can't shake some reservations. Perhaps she addresses this in her book--she is publicly acknowledging that those in more difficult financial circumstances have it harder--but the voice of Lean In becoming the voice for widowhood may not be the most representative. I learn a lot here from the diversity of members.

My 8-year-old is struggling at school...cannot concentrate and stay on task, and when spoken to about consequences or about the need to try, he just says "I don't care". If it is too hard, he gives up. Ditto home. He has ADHD-like symptoms but the psychologist could not definitively diagnose. But I don't think that is the whole story here... I know he is anxious, I wonder about depression sometimes, although he clowns around a lot and seems generally okay. It's about to get worse. It looks like his best friend from daycare is going to die from a rare neurological condition. I am beside myself for the parents, I love their little boy, and I worry about the effect on my son, who means the world to me. I do know that kids are resilient. I read an article about the comedian Stephen Colbert once (in GQ). He lost his dad and two closest-in-age brothers in a plane crash. Afterwards, he did nothing in school for several years. About school, Colbert said: "There was no way to threaten me,” he said. “It was like, ‘What? What's that? Oh, okay, I might get a bad grade? Oh no. Wouldn't want that.’” That resonated- in part, I think this is what is going on with my son. Reaching out to anyone whose child has shown similar apathy about school, and marks etc. post-loss and whose child had to face another loss within a relatively short time period. Any things that you did, or observations, ways you handled this that you felt worked? My son sees a psychologist every 3 weeks now and has since his dad's death--to be honest, I do not see/feel that it has made much difference, but I can ramp up or change psychologists. My latest daydream is to quit my job and take my son under my figurative wing and run away to see the world together. It is all a bit much. Thanks.

^^ This. I rarely meet new young widows but on the rare occasions I have, this was the initial response, and I didn't dare counter the misconception (and hoped for it to be enduring and true). Hugs.