thank you @Love2fish, although it happened after a long battle with cancer, it still felt suddenly, it was over in 24 hours... i can not get those pictures of the last day out of my mind...at least I had a chance to say that I love him, he tried to smile...-He was at home almost untill the end, he spent only 4 last hours in the hospital. Our daughter is an amazing kid, so energetic, full of life and joy, she is my strength. Also, she has grown up early because all the situation, and therapist said she is dealing great with this, thank God. People around me think that I am dealing great also, but it only looks that way because I do not want anyone to see my pain, I should be getting the Oscar for acting... it is hard, exhausting, I bear this empty black hole inside me while smiling, working, taking my daughter to classes or playdates... this forum is so comforting to me, I am not writing much but I am reading all the stories here, feels like I am not alone...sorry for language mistakes, I am from Belgrade, Serbia...unfortunately, loss and pain have universal language, so I hope you understand what I am talking about...and, I would soooo like to cry, but I can not, I would like to pour the river of tears to purify this saddness, but no... only empty black hole inside.