It's been 12 days since the love of my life died. We had been together since we were 12 (now 25). We have two children under the age of 2. I found him when I woke up after a wonderful night of us playing with our youngest. It was one of the few nights we hadn't fought lately, so I'm thankful for that. The coroner estimated he died an hour or less after I went to bed. He had battled addiction years earlier with cocaine and alcohol but after having kids he changed his ways quite a bit. We found our dream home, he had a very good job that he loved, everything was falling in to place. He still used on occasion, but nothing crazy like before. When I found him, there was stuff on the dryer in front of him. From what the sheriff told me, it was used to smoke heroin, and there was heroin on the dryer as well. Never in a million years would I think my husband was using heroin.. he was a healthy weight, money was never missing, he always came right home after work, his friends are all very respectable people, so it was all pretty shocking. He was my best and only friend for the last 12 years, so to say I am insanely lonely would be an understatement. I actually feel worse every day. Physically sick to my stomach. Can't breathe. Freezing cold all the time. It's like I died with him. I know at least a piece of me did.
I'm trying very hard to be okay for the kids. They're kind of too little to understand. My oldest will be two next February and he asks for daddy a lot, which is really hard.
I self harmed and had very low self esteem when I was younger. My husband was the only one who understood me and made me feel beautiful and showed me how amazing life can be. Now that he's gone, I'm just repeating his words in my head, but it's not the same. He told me how beautiful and perfect I was every single day. He told me how much he loved me every single day.
I'm not suicidal, but I want to die. I just want to be with him. No one understands me but him. I am so alone. I just don't know what to do. I can't see how I am supposed to live without him.
