Love is War No More

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

When Glenn was with me, I told him, that if it had not been for him I would not have married. I told him that he was the last person I with whom I would ever be paired. It was very easy to resolve to be single after he was gone and for eleven years I remained single. There was a period where one date led to what looked like a relationship, but really it was just a situation of being stalked by an obsessive lover that lasted a few years until I finally relocated from that city and that was the end of that.

 

Living where I am now, I have really had to fight for my position as a single woman who chooses this lifestyle and chooses to live alone and chooses not to date at all. Such abuse and contempt and harassment, but I simply could not move again. I decided to stay put and tough it out, even if it killed me.

 

After four years a corner was turned. Finally, everyone in this town seems to have no problem accepting the odd little woman that is me, that is always alone, that talks to the crows, and otherwise dances with other birds in flight. Like a human bird. With no wings...

 

That is what not caring will do for you.

 

I went through such a long time where it did not matter what I did, I could do nothing right. I finally gave up trying since there was no point. There was also no point anymore in denying myself simple yet profound pleasures in my deepening communication with nature. There was no point in pretending that I was not different for the sake of getting along, because no matter what I did, I could not get along.

 

So I just accepted myself. And things came to a head in this town right on the anniversary of dh disappearance. It was so bad, it caused a complete regression and I did not leave the house for three months thereafter.

 

During that three months, I discovered something shocking and surprising.

 

As an adoptee who discovered my bio family in her teens, and being unimpressed with the lot of them, I never took much of an interest in my own ancestry. So during this latest convalescence, as I considered which last name I wanted to take, in terms of names that come from my family history - I settled on the surname of my grandmother.

 

This led me to find out more about her history. I was shocked. I was slack jawed. Her history and ancestry was very blue blooded. I was told that she herself came from a very wealthy family, but drank it all away but I just dismissed that as BS from crazy relatives - but it turned out to be true. Her line goes back 1200-1400 years and the name has been retained.

 

This has brought enormous healing because I immediately went from someone with a horrible history and background, to someone who shares in a very long history and very rich legacy.

 

I spent those bedridden three months internalizing that.

 

When I finally left the house again, the harassment and discrimination got even worse. I could not even take one trip to the grocery store without some kind of incident and this had not changed. But I changed. My history made me stronger. I have not told a soul in this town and  have only shared this with a few people whom I have known for over 30 years. Nevertheless without having to say or do anything, that sense of history has taken me from being an outright reject to unanimous acceptance almost over night.

 

So that is a gift. Even if I never try to get invited to any posh parties, what this has given me is a sense of identity and belonging which I have never experienced hitherto fore.

 

But this was only to serve as a back drop and a foundation to something even better and something even more important.

 

My vow to be single. First of all, I am so happy to finally be accepted as a confirmed bachelorette. All this just makes my life so much easier and better. However, last night, for some reason, I quickly realized that in order to remain a bachelorette, it was necessary to hang on to all the pain that brought me to the decision in the first place. Then I became aware of the pain. Then I let it go. I let the pain go. And it went.

 

I could never do that before!! I could never just let pain go.

 

I think it was because pain was the only thing that gave me an identity. I think it was the only thing that made me feel safe, in an odd way, so I was incapable of letting it go for that reason. And so the pain became my unconscious, trustworthy companion.

 

I do not think I was any safer than I ever was - but it is the feeling of safety inside of me that is being reflected back to me from the outside world. I waited a long time to experience this.

 

So the biggest gifts derive from truly accepting myself and that has directly translated into being accepted by others, and ultimately not having to do anything except just know who I am.

 

As for being confirmed in my bacheloretteness, I realized last night, once that pinching, constraining pain was released, that the love is just going to flow and probably my days of being single are now numbered.

[klim]

A very introspective analysis...it seems like you may be discovering yourself.

[Bluebird]

Hi TheOtherHalf and welcome to widda.org!

 

As I read through your post, I found myself nodding my head in agreement about the idea of being shut off to love, making peace within oneself and then realizing - "Oh crap - it means I can love again"  ;D

 

For some reason, the time span for that process for me was lightning fast - just 5 months after my Stephen died I realized I could love again. Not that I wanted to, but I could.

 

I suspect arriving at this awareness so quickly had a lot to do with the time I was in alanon before he died where I spent several years anticipating his death from alcoholism and grieving his loss to the bottle. In that horrific context, I was lucky enough to have alanon by my side. It became the place of self discovery and healing, and upon reflection, prepared me well for what was to come after he died.  It's not a journey that's over, I don't think it ever will be, but I have come to the place of peace within myself that carries me through the highs and lows of life - so far anyway.

 

Your period of isolation and discovery of your lineage sounds like it produced a similar effect to what I experienced in alanon. Sometimes our darkest hours produce the greatest insights.

 

Wishing you well with your newfound inner peace,

 

Take care,

 

Bluebird

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

Klim, yes, it's something like that, or even more like maybe I can stop spending so much time looking for myself now, and actually get something else done! That would be nice.

 

BlueBird, all I can say is that I find your tenacity with alanon remarkable. I tried to go to a few meetings, but I guess I didn't stick around long enough to really understand how that could help a person towards clarity, like it has with you. I guess knowing that you can love again even if you don't want to, can't help but impart something a little extra, in terms of dealing with grief. On the one hand, it comes with the hard work we do, and on the other, it seems like nothing short of the grace of God that really brings us through to the other side. Maybe a bit of both?

 

Just as a further to letting the pain go - after I made all my posts here yesterday, I was in a kind of agony. I wanted to see if I could just let it go again. I put the laptop down. I put my head on the pillow. I let myself let go. And the pain released again. So I can do this again and again. Not just once. To me, this is better than millions of dollars. The ability to let pain go. It's just the best trick in the world.

 

I know you got a good guy there and I know you're both well suited. Thanks for your words of encouragement and for the welcome.