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klim

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Everything posted by klim

  1. When I met my husband way back when I was 22 , i had already had some experiences...he had not. He did not appreciate any knowledge of my past encounters and became very upset when it would come up . It was like he was jealous and felt betrayed even though it was before his time. i tried to defend it as it wasn't anything extreme, i was pretty normal but it was just how he felt. I also feel he totally trusted me, it was just this misaligned jealousy that would flare .Anyway we learned to avoid it and everything went smoothly from then on. Hopefully you guys will reach a balance as well
  2. I've never really changed the pictures that were out. they are my story line. I like the idea that you now feel that if you can handle another person's history they should be able to handle yours. I am very much a picture person. Notice my tag line is a picture. To me they say so much. I took alot even before digital was available and I still take a lot now. I don't easily erase them either. They are a record of my life and I am not going to make parts of my life disappear, I dated a guy on and off for 3 years after my husband died ,before I met the guy I'm with now. I haven't erased those picture from that time period. I think especially with your son being the age he is it is important to have the visual reminders.
  3. Not a believer, not very spiritual .I believe in our minds and our body and science. I Believe for humans to live together and to create a successful society they have to be empatheic to other's emotions and I believe the rules and rituals of most religions were brought about to help humans struggling in that department. I was brought up going to a United church and had no problem with it. It was a great place , with great people . But nice humans do not need to be religious . I did not have any trouble with religion and my husbands death because I understand the science of the body and know, it's just the way it goes. I do not believe in an afterlife, but I will admit that I had vivid and hilarious images of my husband getting to heaven and having to deal with my dad asking him "What are you doing here? Why did you leave my little girl alone?" You see they never got along and yeah he would have given him trouble when he got there. Also will add, that although I feel very comfortable with my take on religion and love to discuss it, I understand other's need for religion as the structure is designed to support, and provide comfort, Each to their own.
  4. Hey there....long time no chat... my life continues,but am I committed.?? I think I am but also think i am dragging my feet on the formality of it. I basically live with my BF, spend probably 6 nights a week at our house on the farm. And then 1 day a week I go back home to my house) where my sons are living. They are 22 and 24 and during this covid period they have ther GF's locked down with them. I'm basically letting them live their own lives in our house and I go off and live mine. It's a weird situation and I quite often question myself on whether I'm doing it right. When I was their age I left home and set up an independant life away from my parents. For them I've left them and now they are forced to be more independant. Similar outcomes but I did it by choice and for them they have little say in the matter. I'm hoping they are all good with the arrangement and don't feel abandoned. So as far as the committed part I am committed to my relationship but I'm also committed to my kids. I think it might all work but only time will tell,
  5. Klim here widowed in 2013 when my seemingly very fit husband died of a heart attack.Two kids now kids no more 22 and 24. Was part of the old board and it helped me greatly. I must admit the learning how to socialize again guidance was my most important take way from here....and how to handle my kids. I still check in here some times because I'm stressing but more often to check on others. As far as this Covid crisis,I was travelling when this all came about and our rush to return home was the most anxiety inducing part so far. Staying at home has been relativley easy in comparison.
  6. how fun 2020's looking good!
  7. I get you , I'm pondering similar thoughts. Not quite as far along the path as you but heading into what might be a similar situation. Semi adult sons, with girlfriends and me involved with my NG and spending a good portion of time living 1 hour away from my kids. I keep thinking I have to check up on my sons......but I don't think they want /need me to. As you said they are busy living their lives. It's a bit confusing. That part I think it's fairly normal. The part for me that I think accents the separation that is normal as kids become independent is that I am also establishing a NEW independent life.It's like all 3 of us ( me and my 2 sons) having been looking and finding a partner all around the same time.We're all growing in new relationships. That's what makes it different then if they were just leaving the nest. In the end the nest will have changed.....and that makes keeping the personal connection ( keeping them part of your life)seem maybe more important. So normal?? yes but complicated by the fact that we were widowed.
  8. trying to breathe as mentioned in another thread we have similar age kids to deal with. my son is the antisocial one, (although he doesn't specifically have anything against NG) he would have be the one that would be miserable at gatherings, If asked he might have said no to something like christmas .BUt I too would have forced him to come,,,,in hopes that he would grow to like these things and because the thought of him being alone on Christmas would ruin my mood ,Now we are not totally clear sailing yet but he has gotten better at enjoyng gatherings that include "strangers"(ie my BF or actually anybody outside of his brother and myself. Soo maybe hope that this time will be the turning point for your bf daughter.....if not consider it part of her exposure therapy that will hopefully make things good sometime in the future.
  9. HI long time no write....but I still come back to read and for advice when I'm stressed. is that so wrong? Widowed 6.5 yrs I'm 3 years into a new relationship, just retired and have 2 sons 21 and 23 , one in university one just finished but not yet fully employed. Apparently I'm not good at blending my two worlds. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive or too soft on my kids but I will not force their situation to change because of where I am with my guy. They are supportive of my relationship but the younger one(who has mental health issues) is more verbal about not wanting his life to change. In otherwords if my kids were younger I'd move forward and work on blending as my BF is very welcoming of my kids(maybe doesn't understand exactly what they need/like) but is very accepting. If they were older I'd say you're on your own and move forward. But they are kinda in between so for now I live 4 to 5 days with my BF and head back to check on my boys and my house( and my cat) the other days of the week. About half the time BF comes with me to my house. It is a weird balance, I'm trying to settle into this routine but I find myself second guessing if this is the right way to handle this. So anybody got any insight or experience with this or heck just an opinion on whether this sounds sane or insane...all input is appreciated.
  10. In a way a very deep question. I felt single very quickly.....but married( ie indicating an intermingling of lives.) well I never broke my loving relationship with him. So in a way I still feel married , I guess to his soul. Am I able to date still being maroed to his soul....yep no problem there.
  11. For me the shoulda...woulda...coulda ebbs and flows. Sometimes I say I shoulda...woulda...coulda . But more often now I think HE shoulda...woulda...coulda.........how was I supposed to know how his body was feeling? And yet in reality there is no one to blame , He had a defective heart. He tried to live a healthy life, and maybe because he did succeed in being very fit that he didn't notice the symptoms of his heart attack ........or maybe he chose to ignore them. In the end it is what it is
  12. Congratulations to all of you. I find it interesting reading all the different triumphs that each of you put claim. It shows that each of us have our own struggles( although buying a car seemed to be a common thread that I incidentally would agree with) My reason to celebrate is I've retired. And yes that is often viewed as a reason to celebrate for anybody but for me it was BIG because work was my refuge, my status quo area of my life. Home life changed suddenly when DH died, parenting dramatically changed, social life dramatically changed but work stayed. the same. Not only that,my coworkers were my access to a secondary adult opinion about parenting...and then dating. So retiring meant giving that up.
  13. I'm 6 yrs out and slowly got rid of his stuff...but I kept his dress shirts and ties. Mostly because he had good taste. My sons ( now 21 and 23 ) don't need to get dressed up often, but when they do, I just let them shop n their dad's closet. Actually it happened just this week when my son had to look for a job.
  14. Yeah got to work on keeping it lively.......it does sound important. I have almost the opposite happening here. My guy is the man with a million ideas...there's no sitting still and we're not just talking getting out on the weekend type plans. He has his eye on different business ideas constantly. He is always looking for the next big idea/opportunity. Since I've known him( 2 and a bit years) he has put together no less then 6 major business takeover proposals, plus a restructuring of his present business. In the meantime he amuses himself by flipping cars...which is actually not a good financial plan but there might be some maintenance savings?? He's had 5 cars over that time period. It's a whirlwind. I am coming from a background of status quo is my friend. I have worked in the same job , in the same building , lived in the same house for 30 years. I like being busy but sometimes I just need to step back. Going forward I'm going have to figure out how I can build in my down time while still being together.
  15. My 23 year old son's room is as chaotic as those hoarders houses and I do fear he has that type of personality. He says that when his room is clean and neat he feels uncomfortable , that the closeness of the stuff filling space in his room makes him feel cozy......ok it could just be an excuse for being lazy but he makes it sound as if it's a true emotional reaction to clean and neat.
  16. I took my husbands last name, and it became who I identify as. I'm a teacher so I hear Ms _______ all day. I also like that I share the same last name as my children. I believe if I marry again I will retain the name I have now so the name shared with my children will remain. I know I will not go back to my maiden name, to me that would imply I was trying to remove the connection I had with my husband.
  17. My kids could be out of the house soon....but they're not. I could kick them out of the nest and they might fly. The one probably would but I'd risk the other falling to the ground. That would be messy...trying to mend broken wings and all. And then waiting till him to develop the confidence to try flight again. Think I'll be waiting till they feel ready to try. Hey I know how to fly, I'll just go visit other nests. My "boys" are 20 and 23 and are in university....so soon. Until then I think I like what BUnny said "What you have right now sounds pretty ideal to me- children and bf getting your undivided attention in turns, with time to yourself also available. Each household is a chance to ‘escape’ from the cares and responsibilities of the other one."
  18. I'm in a two year relationship and my boyfriend keeps threatening me with a ring.In a way I jest but we do have a difference of opinion on our need to be attached through vows. Somehow committment through marriage scares me at the moment and I'm not sure why...... I want to go with the flow and let things happen slowly.. I keep pondering why? Right now I'm working and I live the week at my place and spend the weekends at the house I bought that my BF rents from me( it's basically "our" house.) I'm happy with this arrangement but I know bf would like more time together. I'm also investing both time and money in a business that bf runs. So on many levels I'm committed ( and long term) to this relationship. I'm retiring from my job in June and that's where I get nervous. Now my safety net of "i have to go to work so I have to be home" disappears. I'll have no excuse to stay separate. I don't think he gets my need to be home some, to check on my "boys" and to just be by myself in my zone for a bit. And that has me also questioning me..why do I need that? The answers I come up with are valid ...I think....but then maybe not. I believe part of it is my role as a parent is not quite complete. My boys are at an age and particularly one has a disposition( he suffers from depression) that makes changing their living situation difficult. In otherwords BF moving in would be too disruptive, me moving out or having them move out isn't really an option either. BF is ADHD to the extreme, very dependent on people interaction and so time together is usually very busy , running around etc. It's why he's good with business and why it's fun and exciting to be with him but it also means he ignores details like house maintenance and some other more mundane aspects of life. So even chilling at his place has another layer to it because I feel the need to catch up on some of the things hes ignored. So I like to get home to my house for a while every once in a while to truly chill. And then when I analyse all this i wonder will this ever be smooth and right.....and I think the answer is yes given time for all involved to evolve. Thanks for listening to my ramblings, comments always appreciated.
  19. Sorry for your loss...it does seem fair
  20. Julester, you know better the situation but the other read on his son's comment is that the son hasn't realized how real/big your relationship is with his dad. Perhaps it was a" why does my dad's friend do for him what only people that are really close to each other do?" Like I said just another interpretation.
  21. I believe sometimes you just have to go with the flow...happy is happy and doesn't need a plan... if he doesn't seem concerned he may be a go with the flow type guy too. If I were you I'd just keep on going and see what happens. Remember the future is hard to predict...so right now you say you can''t see him as a forever partner but you never know, maybe your idea of what you want and need will change. I've seen this happen with a friend of mine. She had been dating on and off going through dating sites. She was always looking for the established professinonal because I guess that was what she was used to and that's what she thought she needed for the future. About 3 years ago she decided to throw out her must have list, ended up dating a guy who is a crane operator, and is definitely a bit edgier then her previous bf and you know what I think she's very much in Love this time. Anyways take a look at the why.....it maybe something you will adjust to. i say enjoy...
  22. There are 2 things that this post brought up in my mind, Young adult independance and acceptance of a new mate. Needy i too deal with both of these.. My sons are 21 and 23 and are both living with me. And yes many their age are out living independently and many are mature and have a good handle on life. Many are responsible and get the adult view on life of give and take. BUT many are still immature, self centered and really just confused with what they want and what is expected of them. In both categories their can be good eggs and bad eggs. The mature ones can still be cold and non loving and the confused ones may have trouble doing the right thing but have a good heart. I feel mine fall in the second category. I think their attitude are a combination of personality and circumstance . I look at my parenting and think maybe, I'm too soft on them and that has an effect. But then I look and and both are working their way through university and haven't screwed up on any thing major. They respect and let me know they care for me. But then their rooms are a disgrace and they have to be nagged into cleaning up the kitchen. As far as NG , My older one is easygoing and although doesn't really relish family events or hanging out with me and NG , he will if required. My younger one struggles, he knows he should be welcoming but for him to sit through a dinner with us takes an immense amount of emotional energy on his part .He honestly hates it. He also dislikes NG being at our house , it makes him edgy . This is where I struggle a bit, I think what's the big deal but for him it wears on him . Part of me wants to say tough, it's my house and I'll do what I want. But then their is the mother instinct that kicks in and says I don't want my child suffering and he already struggles with depression and anxiety I don't need to be adding to that It's a tricky balancing act. Bottom line Needy, I understand but also know every kid is different and one kid being out and independant and accepting doesn't mean it's going to be that way for everyone.
  23. I'm also not a poster on facebook of much , part of it is just being sensitive to who else has to look at it.I know for sure it would upset one bil who struggles with the loss of his brother. Facebook would be just a pop up reminder , blindsiding him. It's hard enough for him even when he is mentally prepared and we meet in person. I share some tidbits from our lives but never is it the huggy pics you see on some profiles, or even the pics that I share here.
  24. it was in my profile and I think i always discussed it during the first date, You know when you kinda do the "so what's your story?"thing. i think I even got into it a little bit during texting before meet and greets sometimes
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