WifeLess

Ginger,

Yes, that was my experience too. During my early years of widowhood, I attended countless Widowbagos in the metro NYC/NJ area and organized several dozen of them myself. And although the info was publicly accessible on YWBB (this site's predecessor) there was never a problem. The attendees were always members of that site or their guests. So I would be in favor of making the Widowbago section here fully accessible.

—- WifeLess 

sojourner,

Heartbreaking. I wish for your sister a peaceful passing, and for you continued strength as you face yet another great loss.

— Wifeless

Wheelerswife,

When Bluebird and I first heard the shocking news 4 years ago, we were in disbelief. The pain we knew you were feeling was heartbreaking. And your strength to survive and keep moving forward even after your second tragic loss was inspiring, and still is.

--- WifeLess

It's currently snowing pretty heavily here in the metro NYC / NJ area. About 4 to 8 inches predicted. I’m hoping my lovely Bluebird will soon volunteer to go outside and shovel the walkway and driveway.  8) 

Since the Holiday Season is often a time of rememberance of those we lost, bumping this up again.

Yes, motski, they are indeed cleverly written. I first saw them on the old YWBB (this site's predecessor) during my first Christmas/Holiday Season as a widower, just a few months after my wife’s death. They were among the few things that made me laugh back then.

Another Holiday Season, another bump.

motski,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum. So much time has passed since those early years when we posted regularly on the old YWBB (and elsewhere). It is great to hear from you again. I hope the passage of time has brought you much healing.

--- WifeLess

roch82,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

Yes, in the early weeks and months it is extremely hard, and it often gets worse as the initial shock begins to wear off. And of course, the pain may be compounded when there are complicating factors, as you indicate in your post. So it is not surprising that you feel as you describe. But it is nevertheless possible to survive this. We just have to hold on long enough, and things will begin to get better.

Sorry for the tragic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

BambiGrk,

There are a number of members here who lost their spouses to causes related to drugs or alcohol, especially when addiction was involved. And consequently, they have faced conflicted feelings about their spouses similar to those you describe. You can find many of their posts in the Specific Situations Section below dealing with suicide, addiction, mental illness, etc. Perhaps it will bring you a measure of comfort to read some of their posts, especially in these threads:

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,16.0.html

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,11.0.html

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,225.0.html

Sorry for the tragic loss that brought you here and for the complex road to healing that you must travel.

—- WifeLess

Anni,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum. It sounds like you were at the beginning of a very beautiful relationship. So yes, if you wish to be included, you are indeed welcome here.

It is very understandable that you feel as you describe in your post. But, as difficult as it may be to believe at this point, it is possible to survive this, and things do get slowly better with time. So please hold onto hope. You are very early in your journey. You will not always feel as you do now.

Sorry for your tragic loss.

--- WifeLess

Maureen,

Last month it was 8 years for me as well. How could so much time have passed? I hope your sad memories that have arisen this week are soon replaced with many more that are much happier ones.

--- WifeLess

SalvationsDying,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

I'm angry, I'm broken, I'm sad, and numb at times.

Yes, these are among the many conflicting emotions that most of us feel when we are newly widowed. I think a good description of our range of emotions in the early days and weeks of widowhood may be found in "Letter to a Friend":

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,7.0.html

Sorry for the tragic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

CJ92 and kae,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

Something that I learned shortly after my wife’s suicide 8 years ago and that I have posted about a number of times since:

The psychological trauma of the SOS (survivor of suicide) of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse, whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life.

For more posts about suicide loss, you may want to check out the Specific Situations section below. Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

MR,

The first year after my wife's death was by far the most difficult year of my life. And after passing my first sad anniversary, I took a small bit of comfort in the knowledge that somehow I had survived and in the belief that someday things would get better.

I wish you a measure of peace as you pass through your one year point.

--- WifeLess

Since it is exactly 8 years for me today, I'm bumping this up again.

Trying,

Bluebird and I met each other as a direct result of regularly posting for many months on the old YWBB (this site's predecessor) about the illnesses and tragic deaths of our spouses. So when we were planning our wedding 3 years later, we each felt strongly about acknowledging the lives we once shared with them. Also, several dozen of our wedding guests were themselves widows and widowers, almost all fellow YWBB members who had become our good friends. We consequently knew that they would relate quite well to our honoring the memories of our deceased spouses during our wedding ceremony. Bluebird and I are very glad that we did so that day, and in several ways that were both beautiful and meaningful to us.

But I can see that under different circumstances a couple might not feel this way, especially if only one of them has been widowed. In the end, I guess it’s a very personal decision.

—- WifeLess

meemzi,

Again, welcome to Young Widow Forum and sorry for your loss.

Yes, the shock will eventually wear off, but it may take longer than a month or two. As it does I hope you will find a measure of comfort here.

--- WifeLess

meemzi,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum. Shortly after losing my wife to suicide in 2009, I wrote:

I have accepted that my wife's suicide was not about me or even her life circumstances. It was about illness. If medical science has learned anything in recent decades, it is that so many psychological/behavioral problems stem from physiological/biochemical abnormalities of the brain, many of which are genetically inherited. And if I learned anything during the past several decades with my wife, it is that clinical depression is a serious illness just as real as any other life-threatening illness, like heart disease or cancer. Unfortunately, it happens to be classified as mental illness, which makes it appear different. My wife died of a disease of the brain that impaired her thinking and her judgement. I take some comfort in accepting that she died, not by choice, but of natural causes.

And later, after meeting many other widows and widowers who lost their spouses to suicide or addiction, I concluded:

The great majority of adult deaths by suicide or addiction are not due to freely chosen, self-destructive behaviors or character flaws. They are instead the result of serious mental illnesses that often have a physiological/biochemical basis of genetic origin. Such illnesses may be chronic, life threatening, difficult to manage, and impossible to cure. And therefore, the great majority of Special Situations members here lost their spouses to illnesses just as real and deadly as those that took the lives of most other members' spouses.

Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

Abby78,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum and sorry for your tragic loss.

As difficult as it may be to believe when you are newly widowed, it is possible to survive this, and things do get slowly better with time. So please hold onto hope. You are very early in your journey. You will not always feel as you do now.

--- WifeLess

A Tout Jamais,

A touching tribute to your deceased husband.

How nice it is to see one of your beautiful posts after so long. I hope the passage of time has been kind to you.

--- WifeLess

Tweet,

Nice to hear from you after so long. It's great that you're moving forward, at least in some respects. I'm sure it will continue. Thank you for the update.

--- WifeLess

Monique,

I haven't seen the series, and so I cannot comment on it in any meaningful way. But I'm glad it brought you a measure of comfort. Anything that helps relieve the guilt of a survivor of a loved one's suicide is always a good thing.

--- WifeLess

KrypticKat,

My deceased wife and I never had children. And after her death I had no interest in turning on the TV, radio or any music whatsoever. So for more than a year, I spent virtually every evening completely alone in my home and in its total unrelenting silence. Although my life has changed greatly since then, while still in my first 6 months I posted:

I never hear:

 

A door slam, unless it is the wind;

Footsteps coming up the stairs, unless they are mine;

The garage door open, unless I push the button;

Plates and glasses clinking, unless I'm eating or drinking;

Water running, unless I turn the handle;

The washer or dryer rumbling, unless they hold my clothes;

One of our 3 vacuum cleaners whirring, since I haven't vacuumed in months;

My name being called, since dinner is ready;

My name being screeched, since I've done something stupid . . . again.

 

All those everyday sounds she used to make around the house, I don't hear anymore.

That beautiful background music for my life, now silent.

--- WifeLess

KrypticKat,

Throughout the first year after my wife's death, I gradually adopted the attitude that in some sense she was still with me. In hindsight I see that this allowed me to take my first steps towards rebuilding without feeling sad or guilty. Although not necessarily true in the religious or spiritual sense, I once described it this way:

I often feel that my [deceased] wife has been assisting me in facing the challenges of my new life. Some might say it is her actual spirit, and others, the spirit she instilled within me when she was alive. Whichever it is, it allows me to go on . . . Wherever I go, whatever I do, she is with me. And so I never feel that I am leaving her behind. I see her smiling with me when I am up, encouraging me when I am down, laughing at me when I do something dumb. As she did for so many years in life, I'm sure that in death she still wants the best for me. And so she is guiding me towards happiness.

---WifeLess