WifeLess

SemperFidelis,

During my first year of widowhood, I too came to realize that along with losing my spouse I had lost much of myself as well. And if I was to go on, I would have to face many overwhelming challenges in the process of finding a new me and a new life. I tried to articulate these sad realizations in a post I called "Unique and Devastating Loss", which has since been reposted here:

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,8.0.html

I wish you well on your own personal journey of healing, self-discovery and rebuilding.

--- WifeLess

Alice,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

When I first joined this forum's predecessor nearly 7 years ago, I too was greatly comforted by the posts of other SOS members, the experiences they related, and the myriad of conflicting thoughts and emotions they described. As I have posted many times before, the friendships I formed there were the single greatest factor in my surviving the first several years of widowhood.

Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

TooSoon,

After spending nearly 4 decades in academe and having witnessed the many negative changes that have occurred in the profession during this time, I am very glad that I will be retiring soon. And at this point, I would advise virtually no young person to enter such a career. Although my reasons are many, I won't go into them here.

Having said that, when I have been discouraged in the past, I have often found that removing myself from the work environment for a while has improved my mood. It's amazing what spending the summer off campus can do. And if that is not sufficient, then if possible a sabbatical for a semester or year may do the trick. Something to consider before completely resigning. In any case, I hope the situation improves for you.

--- WifeLess

SoVerySad,

Yes, 1000 heartbreaking stories and 1000 who potentially found comfort here. A bittersweet milestone.

--- WifeLess

THATgurl,

I didn't see your post and can only assume you deleted it. But it is nevertheless good to hear from you.

--- WifeLess

DragonTears,

Very sorry for the loss of your mother and for the additional heartache you must now endure.

--- WifeLess

Maureen,

I've been changed so much by death.

Yes. Although I've been widowed only once, this is nevertheless true for me as well, and I suspect for most others here too. I hope you soon find a normal that includes a greatly healed heart, an inner peace, and perhaps even a return of true happiness.

--- WifeLess

lcoxwell,

When Bluebird and I were married three years ago, I concluded my preface to our marriage vows with:

"Let us cherish fond memories from our individual pasts, as we create new and beautiful ones together from this day forward."

I wish you both great happiness in your new life together.

--- WifeLess

ATJ,

Your beautiful posts have been a source of inspiration for countless members, both on the old YWBB and now here. And since I have long been among them, I am very grateful to you.

I wish you peace as you begin another year.

--- WifeLess

Bumping this up for new members.

Sandrine2279,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

Perhaps the best description I have read of the grief associated with the early months of widowhood can be found in "Letter To A Friend". I just bumped it up in the Newly Widowed section. Here is a link to it:

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,7.0.html

Sorry for your loss.

--- WifeLess

Maureen,

Your fear that the rug may be pulled out from under you again is certainly understandable after what you've been through. And I suspect that feeling is shared to one extent or another by all of us here who have tried to put our lives back together after our losses. As you say, there are no guarantees.

But for now, I celebrate your great news! Very happy for you!

--- WifeLess

piecesofapart,

I think your plan is more thorough than mine was after my wife's death. Early on, I did formally change beneficiaries to be my siblings, since both of my parents were already gone. But I never officially chose an executor since I assumed that the oldest of them would serve in that capacity, as he did after my mother's death. That's about as far as I got with regard to estate planning, and things stayed that way for the next several years. But of course, all of it changed again when I became engaged and later remarried.

--- WifeLess

still_lost,

My former inlaws are extremely dysfunctional on many different levels, and for nearly all of the 28 years that I was with my wife, I found them difficult to be around. Even my wife herself, for many years before her death, often avoided interacting with them. So it is not surprising that now, nearly 7 years later, I have virtually no contact with her family members even though most live only a few miles away. I haven't seen or spoken to any of them in more than 4 years and I don't expect to ever again. I think this is best for all concerned.

--- WifeLess

Wheelerswife,

Very sad. A resource of info that his family and friends might find helpful at some point:

http://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/

--- WifeLess

jenghes,

I, too, lost my spouse to suicide, in my case after 28 years together. So I am not surprised that you feel as you describe in your post. As I have posted a number of times in the past, the psychological trauma of the SOS (survivor of suicide) of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse, whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life.

There are number of us here who have had to bear the extraordinary burden of the SOS widow(er), and we have often shared our stories on this site, especially in the Specific Situations section. Hopefully it will bring you a measure of comfort to know that you are not alone.

Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

What an amazing job Jess, Justin and then Lewis did that weekend one year ago. To put this site together in such a short span of time was incredible. Thank you for your initiative, dedication, and all your hard work. Thank you, also, to those who spread the word so that no former YWBB member would be left hanging with no place to go. The extraordinary efforts you all contributed have made such a difference in the lives of many who travel this sad path of widowhood.

--- WifeLess

devastatedbroken,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

The psychological trauma of the SOS (survivor of suicide) of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse (including long-term boyfriend) whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life.

There are a number of us here who have borne the extraordinary burden of the SOS widow(er), and we have often shared our stories on this site. Hopefully it will bring you a measure of comfort to know that you are not alone.

As I have posted in the past: When an issue such as mental illness, suicide, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc., is involved in our spouse's death, dealing with the aftermath can be especially difficult. Life was frequently frustrating, exhausting and sometimes even dangerous for years before their death. It was very likely an ambiguous love / hate relationship with a wide range of behaviors, some loving, some argumentative, some violent. And so for those of us left behind to deal with the consequences, feelings will likely be conflicted, just as they were before our spouse's death. And grieving may be a more complicated process for us than for those widowed under more "normal" circumstances.

Sorry for your loss and for the complex road to recovery that you must travel.

--- WifeLess

Thank you to all who attended yesterday. It was great to see everyone.

These NJ Sunday brunch widowbagos began in 2010, and although not as frequent as they once were, the tradition has continued. So look for our next one, perhaps a few months from now.

Lmsmdm: Sorry that you and Mike797 will not be joining us.

Hope to see everyone else very soon!

TooSoon: Sorry you can't make it. Perhaps next time.

For those planning to attend: Please remember to bring exact cash since there will be one check for all of us. If memory serves me, the full adult price is $25, which includes tax and service charge.

It appears that the list of attendees is now:

Bluebird

WifeLess

MeAndTheKids

Singinmomo4

NickM

Lmsmdm

Mike797

MikeR

Although the reservation has already been made, it's still ok to add your name to this list. They are very accommodating at Snuffys, and there's always room for more.

So, anyone else?

SoVerySad: Sorry you will not be joining us this time, but I understand your concern. Last weekend's storm brought more than 20 inches of snow. Hopefully the weather will cooperate this Sunday.

Based on the most recent responses both here and on Facebook, the list of attendees is now:

Bluebird

WifeLess

MeAndTheKids

Singinmomo4

NickM

Lmsmdm

Mike797

Any others before we make the reservation?

Based on the Facebook responses so far, the first list of definite attendees is:

Bluebird

WifeLess

MeAndTheKids

Singinmomo4

Bobssleepykitty

And several others are maybes. But it's still early. I'm sure this list will grow longer. Who else would like to add their name to it?

Torn,

At first I wasn't sure what you meant when you said their username was in white. But then I realized you meant in the original Widda color scheme that has a black background. I long ago changed mine to a more conventional color scheme as described here:

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,55.0.html

But more to your point, guest means their account was deleted. That's about all I know. Perhaps Jess or Justin can tell you more.

--- WifeLess

Since it has been much too long since our last NJ brunch widowbago, Bluebird and I have decided to organize one for Sunday January 31 at 11:00 am. The location will be Snuffy's in Scotch Plains NJ, which was the site of countless brunch widowbagos back in the days of the old YWBB.

Earlier today Bluebird posted this as a Facebook event, and several Widda members who are also Facebook friends have already indicated they are planning to attend. If any other widow or widower wishes to, please post below so that the appropriate reservation can be made.

For those who have not joined us in the past, Snuffy's is located at 250 Park Ave, Scotch Plains NJ. Their all-you-can-eat Sunday brunch buffet is huge, enough for two large meals plus dessert. The full price, including tax and service charge, is about $25-$30 for adults, and half that for children. More info may be found here:

https://www.facebook.com/snuffysrestaurant/

Who else would like to join us?