GoldToAiryThinness

Thanks Maureen. So sorry to hear about the wanting to blame. It's a real tough one, can't not deal with them in my case, but you learn to hold your tongue and love through it. Real glad you have some supporting friends, that's so awesome. Even more amazing that they knew your husband. Beautiful. Needed some hope in humanity, some sign that people can care for someone else, some hope. Thank you.

Thanks Mrskro. Is it the same for you lots of you guys then? The days and days without anyone to speak to? The sad anniversaries spent with no-one around? I'm so sorry, that's not right. My god, how do you get through? Not that I know how I got through myself...

So isolated. 4 years passed since I saw her, since she died. Two people texted, which is great and i'm really grateful. To be honest, would've liked the offer of company. So alone, so isolated. Been days since I spoke to anyone. It was Monday afternoon. Want to speak to someone, anyone. No-one I know would take my calls. It's so humiliating. Actually, I think the bad thing there is that no-one has my back. Small things I guess, like when friends gang up to criticise me for some small thing, but that's okay. But bigger things too, when I really needed some support. When they told me it was my fault she was dead, no-one would tell me otherwise (it really wasn't me, she died from a blood clot in what the coronor said was completely unpredictable, and the consultant said even if she'd been in accident and emergency they wouldn't have been able to save her I did everything I swear). When they said I couldn't tell people about her, couldn't show people her photo, my friends took their side. Though I still talk about her, I'm afraid now to even mention my own wife. Pathetic. I try to imagine her here backing me up. She was always so fierce in that. But I can't imagine her having anything but scorn for me, her hating me. I dream of her sometimes, and sometimes she's just indifferent to me, though she never was like that in life. I feel less than unmanned, less than human. So ashamed. I know, I know, you'll read this and think stop being so full of self-pity, or that there's something mentally wrong with me. Or that I ask too much from friends or family, or I'm unkind or not fun. It's not that, it's just pain. And it's just on the internet, in this one post. I wouldn't say this sort of thing out loud. Most days I manage to pretend to seem happy, and I work hard at a tricky job, and I almost never ask my friends for support. I care more about my friends than me, at least I try to and sometimes I do. Just a bad week. Please don't condemn me. I guess I just miss her, and miss her love. It's not a big deal. Most of all, I hope to God she is okay, somehow. p.s. the username is from a great poem: Our two souls therefore, which are one Endure not yet a breach But an expansion Like gold to airy thinness beat