Abitlost

Hi Trying, I remember you quite well as we walked many similar paths. I am sorry to hear of your divorce, but am happy you have found someone new. I'm almost 15 years out, and don't think grieving will ever end. I have been in a relationship of 7 years now, but I don't want to remarry; he is not a widower but fortunately respects my widow emotions. I imagine being with a widower would provide even more opportunities for connection. My youngest is also now in college, a big shift in everything. I'd love to connect with you more! - abl

Thank you to whoever revived this site! I'm not on FB so I've lost touch, but everyone's updates bring me right back.

I'm 13 years out, coming up on 14. I have a son working on his PhD and another is a sophomore in college. They are amazing. I feel they miss their dad even more now, or at least in a more meaningful way. They could really use his guidance, his wisdom, his experience.... We are at peace with losing DH, but it will never be okay.

I started a business a couple years ago which takes a great deal of time and effort. My kids were so young when DH got sick, they never knew me as ambitious. I think I actually made them proud.

My BF of 6 years just moved in. It's good. Different, but good. 

abl

Wow...I don't know what made me check this board today, but I'm happy to see it is revived. Seeing everyone again feels like home.

So much has happened in my life as well. I'm 13+ years out, just recently passed what should have been my 25th anniversary. My kids are thriving, and every milestone underscores the loss. My boyfriend moved in, which is emotional in itself, but required going through more of DH's things. Much of it got packed away, but still much remains front and center.

Looking forward to catching up...

abl

Congratulations, Mrs. Dan!!!!

Glad to hear of your happiness LF!

December is my doozy month, too. This year feels different...not better, not worse...just different.

Hi Beryl, yes there are active members.

bump. I watch that video every year.

On 6/8/2020 at 12:29 PM, Captains wife said:

Similar feelings here...I am with you Sugarbell. There is a small piece of me that Longs for that togetherness I felt when I was married but I’m realistic about my current conditions. 

On 6/5/2020 at 7:51 PM, Sugarbell said:

Normally this would bother me, especially after dating for a while. In this case, it's all either one of us can give each other right now. So really it works. Do I want more? Maybe someday, right now I like having my little place in town and being the only one in the drivers seat with my 3 teenagers. I don't want to take on his kids, his ex, his family baggage.

SW   Between budding and fully committed - three and a half years in and I feel like my relationship is committed but not fully in.   Like some others have posted, I don't want to deal with his kids, exes and baggage.  I like having my own place, and take care of what I need to with little drama.  Feel like I can't take on NG's kids right now.  Whether living apart can last long term, I don't know - he wants the ring, white picket fence, the works.  I'm happy the way things are right now - time will tell.

Yes, yes, yes. I think my NG and I pretty much feel the same way, and so it works well.

On 6/9/2020 at 5:18 PM, trying2breathe said:

 

Hi RAM,

It's such a tough time in so many ways, and fear lives in many. Sadly, our kids have already experienced worst-case scenario in the loss of a parent. Perhaps he is scared to lose you, too. That feeling could be paralyzing...

abl

I can feel the love in that photo, Bunny. So beautiful.

Simon, I understand your fears. I went through a similar period, which never fully went away, but it does get bearable.

Hang in there and trust in yourself.

abl

My boyfriend of several years and I are presently socially distanced with our respective families but we are doing okay thanks in part to FaceTime. Anyone else in a similar boat?

I really feel for everyone currently in this thread. I've been in a committed relationship for several years, but we are presently socially distanced with our respective families. I imagine dating is nearly impossible at present, and that sucks.

Hi, abitlost here. I was widowed by brain cancer at age 41 with two young kids. 11+ years later, here we are in lockdown. I know we can get through this, because...well...we've been through much worse. 

I truly feel for the wids with young kids. It was helpful for us in those days to be able to go out into a lively world and socialize with people not in our grief circle. 

abl

44 minutes ago, Captains wife said:

Agreed ! I do think there is a competition. 

I have witnessed divorced parents in competition; it's not only ugly to the new partner, but most importantly it's damaging to the kids. My estimation is that through the drama of it all what ends up happening is the kids often become masterful manipulators, mentally unstable, ill-adjusted, and/or prone to a life of their own drama. I think this is partly why people who get divorced are often products of a broken home themselves. JMO.

Hi S,

I echo what PaulZ wrote. I'll add that you should initiate conversation about your sister-in-law, even if you think it makes your brother sad (he already is). Avoiding the topic to me felt alienating. Validate the emptiness. 

I wish you all a peaceful holiday full of happy memories,

abl

Hi Hikermom,

How is your daughter doing now? Did you find anything that was effective? 

I sure am struggling with my 16YO DS...mostly different issues than you described but I sure am worried about him....

abl 

Hugs, SB. I totally get this. As my kids get older, DH's absence is acute at certain times, and always present.

I was at a friend's 50th birthday party the other day. Photos of his father who died when he was 6 were up. The void was there.

Wishing you peace,

abl

Hey Rob,

I'm glad your youngest is settling in, and am sorry to hear about the launch abort of your oldest. My observation is that kids are increasingly unable to handle the stresses of life, including college. Personally I think the internet and social media has a lot to do with it. Consider yourself lucky that she opted out prior to that tuition due date! 

This generation is also increasingly postponing other adulting activities -- such as driving -- which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Think of how much safer the roads would be if uncertain drivers were not on them!

That's a long winded way of saying she certainly is not alone, and you are not to feel a failure.

abl

On 6/29/2019 at 4:52 PM, Gabzmom said:

It’s been forever since I’ve posted on the board. I have “liked” threads and posts, but haven’t really posted. I met a wonder man who happened to be a widower as well. We got married on 9–2-2017 - we are as happy as ever and we both participate in honoring our late spouses. 

 

Beyond widow-hood, we have so many other things in common. 

Congratulations Gabzmom! What wonderful news this is (and a great photo!)

Hi Sera,

I'm sorry you had reason to join us but glad you found us. It must add a whole 'nother dimension to be in a different country at this time. 

Parenting is tough, only parenting exponentially more so. It can be challenging to accept the changes in kids as they grow and mature, and the emotional spin it puts on the only parent as changes emphasize that's it's all on you, and in the end it will be just you. As kids grow it also underscores how long your spouse has been gone, which can be tough to acknowledge. I think it's healthy and important for you to have other things in your life beside your son that bring you joy. 

I hear you on medication. Maybe there is a therapist in your home country that you could video chat with? You may have to pay out of pocket but it may be worth it. 

Wishing you peace,

abl

I do not have any experience with speed dating. You say you don't know if you want to start dating or just find activity friends. My opinion is if you don't know if you want to date, a dating venue might be inappropriate; I think in a dating venue you are going to find people who want to...date.... Maybe check out clubs or groups that fit your interests to find activity partners instead?If you do want to date, then I say go ahead and try speed dating! 

I have found the triumphs are sometimes harder than the struggles. The tough stuff is challenging, but I power through and remain strong. I find the triumphs are emotionally-charged; I have such intense pride and no one who shares it. I know my husband would be incredibly proud of us all, and it's beyond sad that he never got to see what his sons would accomplish.