Abitlost

Mountain biking Saturday turned into a second Mountain biking afternoon on Sunday.  Nothing there but friendship she does not like biking alone I enjoy biking with a companion.

 

Monday’s lunch date had to cancel 10 minutes after I arrived. Her boss called her as she was driving with an angry client emergency. Was a little bummed but we rescheduled later that night and have a m&g tomorrow.

 

it Is strange to still be so deeply in love with my LW and dating other women.

Cycling partners are good.

Strange? No. I'm almost 9 years out and will always be deeply in love with my DH. New guy not only accepts that, but respects it as well.

That is hard. At first I agreed that you could present her with the options and let her decide.

But then I thought that it might be conflicting for her to have to make that decision.

8th grade trips can be a right of passage for some. Asking her to choose between that and her family may be an emotional burden.

You know her best and can probably weight the pros and cons.

Good luck!

abl

50 was hard for me, too. Mine would have had a hard time with the milestone but I would have insisted on a party. Hugs,

abl

I'm deleting this because the person I referred to may be reading this board....

Thank you to everyone for your support!

Congratulations!!!!! Everything sounds wonderful and I am so happy for you!

abl

...patiently awaiting your wedding report... ;D

How very sad  :'( I'm really sorry to hear this.

abl

Fiance deserves to feel like the best thing that has EVER happened to me while in my heart he is the best thing I could ever have hoped for at this time in my life. 

I don't think it is fair to pose this statement to yourself. When one has a happy marriage that ends in death and an unfinished life, I don't think there is any set of circumstances under which your chapter two could be "the best thing". You have formed a union that makes you happy in the present, and he is your future, but it is torturing yourself to rate places in your heart.

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! I hope you will post photos!

Hugs,

abl

This is a very familiar feeling. The only thing that makes it more bearable for me now than in the early years  is that I know that I will catch my breath and return to acceptance. I also know there will forever be waves of grief that knock me down again, and it's okay to lean in to them.

Hugs,

abl

TooSoon

I've followed and been active on this board and its predecessor

All I can say is "I'm sorry but really?"

this tirade is why people dont post

OOT,

I can't for the life of me figure out the justification for this post. In all the years TS has been posting, she has been one of our most thoughtful, composed, and heartfelt members. I feel your comment here is misguided and uncalled for.

abl

Cool.  I'm out.  Best of luck to you all.

Wait...what? No! TooSoon come back!

BH2,

I think many of the YWBB/widda members formed a private Facebook group (or two?) and that is where they post. My opinion is that is unfortunate, because not all of us are on Facebook.

I also think some members were offended by what they perceived as attacks (private messages and on the board) and they left.

abl

And Serpico and Trying, absolutely love that both of you are ducking into this particular forum! That's really fun!

Calimom,

Was this necessary? No matter how I interpret your comment, it seems passive aggressive.

abl

Adding to my previous post (for some reason it won't let me edit):

I do think blending can be done successfully, resulting in a harmonious and happy new family. I think many factors go into that, including effort, acceptance, understanding, and flexibility on everyone's part. I think it is wonderful when it happens, I personally just don't want a blended family situation for myself and my kids.

abl

I'm intentionally not blending. I spent years in a relationship that ended because I wouldn't blend into his dysfunctional lifestyle. I am sooooo glad I didn't.

I've been with NG for almost a year. On date one, we both spoke to how we didn't want to blend, so we are on the same page. NG is twice divorced, the second time from a failed blending attempt. We both have teens, so we are almost in the home stretch. I get along fine with his kids and he with mine, but our kids have only met once briefly in passing. I don't think any of them are particularly interested in getting to know mom/dad's boyfriend/girlfriend's kids. So, no drama and it's all good.

Trying, I think the premarital counseling is a good idea. Blending *is* hard!

abl

SB,

My opinion: correct, it is not your place to teach NG's kids responsibility (as defined by you). I don't intend for that to sound harsh, it is just that everybody's perception of responsibility and the things that are important to them are different. You are entering their lives seeing a snapshot at this point in time. The things that came before aren't necessarily apparent...the challenges they have had, the characteristics they have worked on, the struggles they overcame or gave up on, those may not show right now. There is backstory to everyone.

It sounds a little like you don't like NG's parenting style. It is NG's choice to wait on his daughter hand and foot, make her lunches, clean up after her, and take care of her animals. Parenting styles and expectations differ in every household. Since you're not living together, and this is still relatively new, you might want to just bite your tongue. However, when his kids are at your house, you can say something like 'NG's DD, could you please set the table for dinner?' or something like that.

NG may admire the independence your kids exhibit (but he may also silently not endorse other behaviors). He may wish his kids exhibited some of the same characteristics as yours (and he may also wish your kids exhibited some of those that his possess). If he wants his kids to become more responsible, he will tackle it in his way. I don't recommend you do anything other than set a good example (sometimes easier said than done...)

abl

Mrs. Dan,

I typed a long response out yesterday, but it took too long and timed out and I lost it all. I don't have the time now to re-write it all, but the gist of it is that from what you write, I don't think that NG feels your relationship is unimportant. I think rather that NG is simply not skilled at physical, emotional, and/or parental multi-tasking.

He doesn't have his daughter very often, so I imagine there is a period of adjustment and reconnection every time they are together which may take varying lengths of time depending on what is going on with each of them. It may be that he is reluctant to make plans until he takes the temperature of that piece first. It could also be that as a single father he feels a little challenged. Maybe he doesn't call you because his daughter is pitching a fit, or maybe they are engrossed in a tea party, or maybe he is exhausted of parental duties. Another thought is maybe he is feeling inadequate if his parenting isn't at the level he perceives yours to be and yet you manage 24/7/365.

I do understand how this can make you feel second best. I was with a divorced dad for several years that would rarely do anything with me when he had his kids, and some of those things had to be approved by his ex first. I do remember feeling resentful that I was the only one that would ever make arrangements for my kids to leave them alone while his time with his kids was untouchable (and it wasn't because he was a great dad, rather that his ex insisted that the kids couldn't be left with babysitters so he would plug them into electronics so as not to be bothered with them). 

Long way of saying from what you write here as well as over the length of the relationship, I don't think it's about you/your relationship but more that NG may just be trying to keep up with his parenting expectations of himself. 

abl

Mizpah,

Your post makes me sad. I have not read all the responses so forgive me if I am redundant or out of line.

Over the years I have gleaned from your posts that you are varying degrees of discontent, resentful even, in your life with NG. In equal proportions, it seems you try to justify your decisions to yourself...but still the strife wears on you. I'm sorry to be blunt and tell me to shut up if you wish, but you and NG seem  diametrically opposed with very little common ground. My prediction -- not that you asked for it -- is that this life extrapolated over the years will either quash the person you are inside (which is different from maturation, acceptance, etc.) or you will continue to live an unsatisfied and unfulfilled life. Would you be with him if not for your daughter?

I spent (wasted) 4.5 years in an unsatisfying relationship with Ex-BF, justifying it because I didn't think I could ever replicate what I had in what was my perfect marriage with DH. Throughout the relationship, I often thought to myself that DH would be extraordinarily disappointed in me going from what I had with him to that. Despite how painful the breakup was, I am beyond happy to say I am now with someone whom DH would endorse. I honestly could not be happier! It does exist.

abl

Thanks everyone. We went to the GI doctor yesterday but only saw the PA who ordered more blood work, cultures and and ultrasound. Next week will see the doctor and decide if he needs a colonoscopy and MRI of his liver.  I was able to be calm and encouraging for him but I know he's worried too. After that appointment I had to go to a 4 hour Hospice training inservice. Needless to say I was emotionally spent by the time I got home!

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this, Trying. Please let us know how things go next week.

For those Dads who are doing it all alone, the moms trying to fill the shoes of the one who is missing and the children who are without a Dad to celebrate with, I wish you peace today.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads doing double-duty and to the moms filling the dad role.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/femail/video-1192753/Happy-Fathers-Day-Mom-Emotional-ad-thanks-single-moms.html

Has anyone else had this conundrum?  OF course in an ideal world, I'd have done this exactly as he asked but its not looking possible.  Scott always called San Francisco his "city by the bay" and gave the most specific instructions for where and at what time of day he wanted me to scatter his ashes there.  I think I could live with spreading most of them there and getting there might be within reach.  Just not sure what to do.  Any thoughts?

TS,

I won't tell you what I think you should do with Scott's ashes. What I will tell you is that over the years I have learned to give myself latitude. Where once I tried to keep things in close semblance to our shared life together -- which included our future plans -- I now give myself permission to do as I see fit. By and large, I think DH would be pleased with decisions I now make...which isn't really my motive or my end-goal. At the end of his life, DH knew I was going to be okay because I have always been able to stand on my own feet, weather great turbulence, and make wise moves. So while I have sometimes progressed in different directions than we discussed in 20XX, above all he had full trust in me to make decisions in real time.

abl

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I respectfully disagree.  I don't know Serpico's wife personally of course, but secure people can feel insecure in certain types of scenarios.  That doesn't necessarily mean they're not a secure individual in general or that they form anxious attachments or that they don't respect their partner's former life or feelings or late spouse.  I know from my own experience.  I have never felt insecure in any of my relationships before.  But now I'm with a widower, and I have relationship insecurities.  It's not as simple or simplistic as it seems, or as I used to believe it to be before I was in my situation.  It is very hard to be with someone who will always love someone else.  I say that as both a widow and someone who is with a widower.

Obviously what I wrote is based strictly on what Serpico has expressed; my interpretation is that her insecurities are mounting and affecting her happiness. I suggested that book because it offers tools for relating with people of differing attachment styles.

Lots of good feedback here.  Yes, my wife has some insecurities, but as I've asked someone here before... who doesn't?

 

Serpico,

Secure people don't have insecurities such as you describe in your marriage. (Relationship insecurity is not on par with being insecure about one's love handles.) 

I recall you speaking very early on in your relationship about your now-wife's issues when you referred to your late wife, and that she expressed dismay that you had photos of your late wife in your house. You stated that even now she struggles with memories of your late wife being brought up. To me, your combined posts read as though she doesn't respect your life before her. I am guessing that her issues are not specific to marrying a widower (referring to your recent post), but more of what seems to me to be her anxious attachment style.

There is a book I would recommend called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - And Keep - Love" which might help you both.

"...each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:

- Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back

- Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

- Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.

http://www.attachedthebook.com/about-the-book/

abl