My wife died four weeks ago today.'Metastatic Breast Cancer' it said on the death certificate,but no words can describe the past six months of fear,anger,despair and frustration we had to endure.She was diagnosed four years ago(the day after my 40th birthday,what a treat),and ever since then we knew it was a matter of time - one year,five years ,ten if you're lucky.Turns out we got three before it turned sour,and that whole time we still had that underlying fear,trying to carry on with day to day life with two young kids.
She truly was a born fighter though,not physically tough but mentally prepared to plod on through the whole ordeal.We both never spoke of the illness between ourselves,maybe we should have more,but we never dwelled on things too much.I think we were both ignoring the medical side and concentrating on having as much fun with the kids as possible.I'm thankful we managed one more holiday abroad,as we had to cancel one due to treatments.
I had a brain tumour removed eight years ago,and the guilt i feel sometimes is unbearable.If only my condition had worsened and she was spared?That thought rattles inside my head many nights(along with about 500 others)and it keeps me awake a LONG time.After my operation,we spoke of having another child(already had a daughter),and my main reason for doing so was that if anything happened to me,it would be more company for her.So we had a son,and he's great company.
I could go on,as this is my worst time of day(11pm-ish),when the kids are in bed and i'm alone wandering the house with only sad thoughts for company.With my medical history there is also an increased chance of further complications down the line,but i'm pushing that to the back of my mind as far,far back as i can,there is life to be lived at the moment.
After watching her die,registering her death,closing her accounts,arranging her funeral and collecting her ashes,i couldn't believe how mentally drained a person could get.As if losing her wasn't bad enough,signing forms and making phone calls seemed to trivialise my devastation.Using the word 'disposal' in regards to her remains bothered me immensely.The tears that fall in the most unexpected of times.Anyway...
I decided to join this community after reading a lot of heartfelt stories but also positive attitudes.I don't know if it'll help me,but it is reassuring to know that i'm not alone in this grief,far from it.
