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shelly

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Everything posted by shelly

  1. Hi. so I have been married for 10 years, and after struggle with cancer for 8 of them my hubby died leaving me (27) with our girl and another girl not yet born. Now its been 6 yrs, 7 month ago I got married to an amazing (!!) guy and at the beginning it was a bliss! all the clouds have gone away. But something in me just won't let me rest. I have an history of anxiety and the last 7 months are a mixture of happiness and fear and panic attack and crying. Thing is all the weak points my new hubby has causing me anxiety. Thoughts like: my DH never did this, How would I deal with it?! I can't, why do I have to? I was happy before I am in therapy but I feel like no one gets me. My husband is so caring, he listen to me, he tries so hard, he is amazing with the kids and I feel like such a horrible person criticizing and getting anxiety whenever he acts on his weak points (and I know his weak points aren't the problem here because I keep changing them - once this bother me, next day it's fine and it's something else) . I got from another widow that it is something that happens, but is that really true? If I accept that that's how things are, that there will always be pain will it get better? please help
  2. oh no, actually it is almost unheard of here to date two together. what happened and I quote his story: "After leaving you last time I went to sort out my feeling and uneasiness about it all. I was so confused and full of hesitation. A friend came and try to set me up. Told him about you but he said "you have decided to separate so you don't own a thing and who knows, maybe it would help you see how precious the first one is - just coffee" so I did and to my surprise I have found her quite interesting, and I have found myself setting another date. I told her about you (me) and the truth about why I actually went to meet her (to understand his feelings about me) she said its ok and so things kept rolling... 9 dates! my family started talking wedding... only there was this thing - also she makes me feel calm and sure while with you it feel too quickly too soon (also different class/culture like is late wife which makes him afraid we would have the same saga as before only with kids) there was this thing - I don't find her attractive at all! I didn't know what to do... and then I saw you and it all came back..."
  3. Thank you all guys, I feel I haven't done a good job of explaining: 1.It is common in our society to get engaged only after few dates (me and my late only went out four dates! and still loved like crazy for 9 years) 2. when I said 'different class' i meant different kinds of the same culture/society which can get mixed (his wife and him) but don't usually do so and yes - there are family exceptions burden here 3. now for his story: His wife was his first love at first sight. He went against his family and married her. They had problems because of that but they overcame all - until cancer. His wife became a symbol of cancer fighter in our society, both she and him did an amazing job raising their children while death was hanging over their heads and helping other patients of cancer. I knew their story though I didn't know them personally but knowing it all I can say for sure: he is not the 'player' type or the unstable one but he had a l-o-t to deal with. what I am trying to figure out here is: does he a have a problem with me or a problem with the idea of falling in love again. Before I assumed it was maybe me and him, but after hearing about the other girl I began to think "maybe its a pattern, maybe the reason he feels uneasy yet attracted to me and calm but not attract to the other girl is because its a widower thing - fear of loving and losing again, and so he found himself considering marriage to a girl he is not attracted to just because she makes him feel (his words) "like being water meeting stone in the middle of life, while with you its like we are water and water"
  4. Realy complicated, I will try to make it simple. I have been a widow for 4 years (31, 2 kids) and on dating for almost 3y. nothing serious. two months ago I met a widower - lost wife after 8 years of cancer. He was 2 month a widower but she asked him to start dating quickly for their children. There was an immediate spark! It was amazing! two dates later he came and said that it is all going too quickly and ask to back of, even to let me see others while he is sorting out his feelings for me and his wife. It was understandable and I agreed. Two weeks ago we met at the street - sparks and all, he asked me for a date... only to tell me that he has been seen someone for the last month. He even considered engagement but what - he is not attracted to her at all! doesnt even feel like hugging her, only she is perfect (single no kids) from his class - while I have my load (kids, past etc...) and he couldn't make up his mind till he saw me in the street and felt like it was a sign....we had a talk for 9 hours during which sparks flew again, talking about possible future and such... but... I could see great fear in his eyes - he said he fears that I have all sort of problem that I dont have (crazy stuff) and even after long calm talking he still decided to give the other girl another date to see if a spark will lighten up with her and asked me to wait patiently and if our feelings (he doesnt dare to say the l word) is true it will win at the end! whats going on here??? why do I get the feeling when he kisses me that he wants to crush me and run to the mountains at the same time? why does he try so hard with the other girl if he says "when i was on a vaction for a week i didnt even feel like wanting her to be there or hug her"? why does he keep saying "I am afraid beacuse I am this close to fall in love with you and I cant loose my head like when I was 22 since i have kids"? and finally what to do with him?
  5. oh, such a wonderful story. thank you, it gave me hope and realy brighten my day. i will keep going to the sunrise
  6. thank you. I have got a new prespective I havent consider before. I told myself at the beginning I wouldnt let anyone who couldnt accept my girls near my heart, but I guess its not something you can control. Also it seems I havent explained it all. Our families are close but not so much. When I started hanging around I became close to his mother, sister and in laws. Now its all tangled up. I am not even sure if he told them about it, but I am afraid: I am afraid they now look at me like an outsider who tried to sneak in or just pity me, or will feel ashamed or just akawrd, that his mother - which I had long meaningfull coverstions with, will think I only got close to her beacuse of her son, or will feel bad beacuse her son refuse me or I dont know what! man, like I dont have enough on my plate :'( Do any of you have an ideat how I should react with them? Should I keep in touch or try to drift away slowly? act as usual and respond to the matter like a misunderstanding?
  7. this is my first post here. I have been a widow for the last 2.3 years. my husband died of cancer after struggling for 8 years. he left me pregnant(my beautiful girl now) and with our 8 years old girl. I am only 30 and its been a very very difficult decade. Half a year ago I met someone. In our society its hard for a widow to remarried. He was single, no kids, and 2 years younger than me. we were friend for sometimes, I even tried to set him with a girl I knew. Then a good friend who knew about my feelings tried to get us together. It was so humiliting. He was so embarced, I was too, at the end, I got rejected. He couldnt hanle the responsebilty of the kids. Im not even sure he knows how I feel since I hurried up to cover it up as a joke. I feel so broken. I have never been rejected in my life. My husband was my first and only love. Since his death I have been to some dates but nothing serious. Now I feel broken again. Did something similiar happened to you? How to get over this horrible feeling? This feelings of humiliton, rejection, lonliness are all mixed up. please some advice
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