I have been a widow for 13 months now. My user name you might see says that I am "unacknowledged" and that I am a Widdow. Yes, I spelled Widdow wrong because....we were just 6 weeks away from our wedding when M died so suddenly and unexpectedly. He had been in the hospital for a separate issue and the night before he was going to come home, out of the blue and without any warning, he had a massive widow maker type heart attack. He was removed from life support 5 days later and died 24 hours later.
His family decided during the chaos immediately after his heart attack that I wasn't to be given any respect or say in the life and death of my beloved. "They're not married....." they said to the doctors, yet we had been together for 15 years, both of us getting out of two lonely marriages and finally ready to make our relationship a marriage. We had been living together for the last 4 years of M's life.
The adult children who are just 3 - 6 years younger than me, saw to it to make sure I was "disconnected" from life too. All of the social relationships that M and I had were destroyed by his children.
I was alone during the heart attack, I was alone during his death - his children were mad that it took him 24 hours to die, that large amount of time was inconvenient for them.
I was alone for the funeral, they wouldn't acknowledge our relationship in the obituary.
I was alone for the Shiva - I wasn't allowed at the family Shiva...but then again, I wasn't real family.
I have grieved alone. I remain alone....
People say to me even now two very hurtful things. "you weren't married so you can just move on" and my favorite, "you are still young and G-d has other plans for you".
I am so alone.
We owned a home together, it is so lonely to go there, I need to go and move out my things, but the mental energy and the mental stamina it takes, leave such a cloud of exhaustion and sadness. I need to sell that house and just live in my home which I owned before our life together. But neither place feels great, but "my" house is where my bed is, which due to the toll this all has taken, is the place I spend so much time. The death of M has effected my health, much of my hair has fallen out, my doctor is looking for cancer as I show so many signs of being ill with some cancer of some sort.
Maybe it would be easier, I am so alone, no one would notice, no one would care, the big part of me that died when he died, would finally find peace??
I see my therapist every week, who tells me how well I am doing despite my health changes. Often seeing my therapist is the highlight of my week. I don't feel like I am doing so well, Yes, I can fake the smile, I can reply with "just great" when asked how I feel. I take the antidepressants as prescribed, but they don't erase the crumbling feelings left from the lost love, the loss of my best friend, the loss of the plans for the rest of my life.
I truly feel lonely, unacknowledged in my loss and heart break, I feel discarded by life, I am lost, I am a drift in a sea of lost love, grief and despair.
Has anyone else had a situation similar to this and survived through all of the feelings, emotion and loss? If so , how did you do it, what helped you? When did you feel any chance of hope for a brighter tomorrow?
