Hgadams

I can completely relate to how you are feeling. It has only been two months for me. An accident took my husband from me with pretty much no rhyme or reason to it. I think one of the hardest things as the one left behind is not just to mourn what you have had but to mourn what could have been. My husband and I were trying to have a baby. We had put it off for so long because he was in school. He had just graduated and we were about to build a house. Everything was finally coming together. I can't explain to you how truly heart breaking it was when Mother Nature came knocking after he passed and I knew forsure that little hope I had been holding onto never would be. I guess I'm not really in a place to offer words of encouragement yet. I do not yet know how we truly get past this. I know from what others have shared that we never really get past it but we eventually do find a way to move forward. I hope that comes true for both of us. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm truly so sorry for your loss.

I recently decided to try and start a blog to channel some of my feelings. The link is positivelywidowed.wordpress.com. My thought was if we could all share something that has helped us whether it is a blog you have created, a blog you follow, a word of encouragement, something someone shared with you, an encouraging article whatever helps you here that it may find its way to help someone else. I realize there is a section for this but I am most interested in what has helped the newly widowed and how you are using it on your journey forward.

Thank you all so much for your comments!!!! I'm so glad to hear that others felt the same way. It really does feel like it minimizes the loss and my feelings over it. It's so frustrating. My husband was honored at his school on Sunday, they had designed a plaque in his honor. It was wonderful, but I have to be honest I was absolutely terrified to go to the little memorial his classmates did. It was in a town where a week before his death we had our third anniversary date/celebration. I haven't been there since he died because I was scared to. It was in his school where he had just graduated never to get a job in his dream career. I felt like I couldn't breathe the whole time. Well I invited his whole family because I felt like it was an honor for him and we should all be there. Not one of them came. His mother text me the night before about all the pain she was in (I don't mean to minimize that because I know she is) but it bothered me because she had already decided the night before that she wouldn't be good enough to go the next day. I had told her I loved her, hoped she would feel better in the morning because it was such an honor for Clifford. Didn't hear from any of them all day and she didn't talk to me until like 9 that night. I may be wrong for this, I don't know. But I do believe a person's life is something to be celebrated and honored. Even if it is hard, they should want to be there... For him or for me. It really hurts my feelings they didn't feel they had to be there for him or for me. I have mentioned before and I know she's having a really hard time... But she can pull herself together for her grandson's birthday party but not a memorial service for her deceased son??? I guess I just wonder if because I'm "so strong" people think I can handle this stuff but I don't have an option. If I don't do it, no one else will. They have an option, no one would have ever considered it an option for me not to go. It just really hurts for my feelings and fears to be minimized I guess because I am not as obvious about how truly bad I'm feeling. End rant.

I have been really struggling this week with complete hopelessness. I had been doing so good with the whole I'm going to honor Clifford by living my life attitude, but I'm starting to completely lose that this week. I can feel depression trying to set in. I can't focus at work. I'm having more breakdowns there than I have had while working. I just feel utterly hopeless and can't see the light in anything. I'm trying to force myself to do things so I don't give in and I don't lose my job... But I'm afraid I'm able to lose it. How do I get my focus back?

Today, I figured out that what others (maybe even myself) have been perceiving as strong is nothing more than the biggest form of weakness. Avoidance. I'm avoiding my pain instead of dealing with it. I've mentioned before in another thread how I am able to go out and be around people- some could say even have a pretty decent time. "Nobody gets how I do it." My husband had been working, in school, and doing clinicals on the weekends this past year. I got so used to going out with our friends without him that - that part actually feels somewhat normal. What doesn't feel normal is when I'm home alone where he is supposed to be. That's where I feel like it will kill me. That is why I avoid home and prefer doing anything but being there. It's easy to imagine he's at school whenever I am doing what I've been doing the past year. I'm not strong, I'm weak. And btw there is nothing I can't stand more than the word "strong" these days. It feels like such a lie when people call me that.

I can't even put into words how thankful I am for all of your replies, your helpful advice, for making me feel normal, honestly it means so much to me and has been such a huge help. I think that Clifford was somebody I admired so much for being able to do all he did in such a short amount of time. His death has made me realize how short life really is . I have always been a procrastinator I guess and I'm realizing how time is not always promised. I have always been different than a lot of people so I guess having a widely different reaction to something shouldn't suprise me. Even though he isn't here, I still feel so connected to him. When I want to give up and give in to never leaving my room again, I can feel him not letting me if that makes sense at all. I guess I just want to honor him and live life because I still have one. It is so not fair that he doesn't. My heart hurts all the time, but I know I have no choice in the matter because nothing can be changed now. I just wish he was here to live life to the fullest with me.

The weekend before my husband passed away, we went away for our anniversary. I remember the entire day and night being absolutely perfect. We did a bike pub crawl thing around the city. We had a mess-up with our room and ended up getting upgraded to a mountain view suite. We ended up going to a music festival and my husband was very adventurous (I'm very cautious). You couldn't get anywhere close to the gate. We didn't have tickets. Somehow my husband had me climb through a parking garage and down through a hotel to an outside patio/bar. Here you could hear the music and it was wonderful and literally right outside the venue.... I remember my husband just randomly looking at me and saying "You're everything to me" and I was speechless. However...my husband being the adventurous guy he was... just being close to the event wasn't enough. Next thing I know he goes up to the guy who is checking arm bands (my face is blood red and I'm so nervous). He says "Hey man... it's my wife and I's three year anniversary.. think you could let us in" and what do you know the guy did and fake checked arm bands. So we got music and fireworks... we then went out on the night dancing the night away. It truly was spectacular... so thankful to have this as one of our last memories.

Hi there... I have no idea how any of this works so here it goes... My husband, Clifford Forrest Adams, passed away June 25, 2016, in a single vehicle accident. We aren't sure what happened, honestly it was a straight stretch and a wreck there just really doesn't make sense. He flipped multiple times and wasn't wearing his seat belt. If he had been wearing it, it seems he would still be here from professional medical opinions. He has had much worse wrecks in his highschool days than the one that claimed his life. I personally believe he fell asleep behind the wheel as it is all that makes sense to me. This is something that I have seen happen to him before. I struggle sometimes because we had a fight that night and our last words to each other were not very kind. He should have been with me that night, but he was not because he was mad at me. But I do also know that the very next day it would have been as if nothing happened and from things he said to his friends that night it appears he had already forgiven me. About him/us: He just turned 25 in April (I just turned 25 in May). His life truly was about giving to others and doing everything/anything to make people smile. He truly was the kind of person that people could count on and he knew no stranger. He was an emergency responder and lived for it. He was Captain of his Fire and Rescue Squad station and had just graduated Advanced EMT school. He was set to start once he got his license in from passing his national registry test (the license came in after his passing). We had been together six years and married for three. We had our ups and downs like all couples do and things we needed to work on; however, we were best friends. We truly had a wonderful relationship. I was incredibly blessed to have him and cannot imagine anything better. There is no doubt that our relationship was different than most. Our friends called us the "Ross and Rachel" of the group (if you've ever seen "Friends"). Okay on to the funeral and since.... there is no doubt that I was in shock through all of that. I cannot remember pretty much anything about any of it (except some of the cringe worthy stuff people said). They said at the visitation and funeral there was over 1400 people there (just to give you an idea of what kind of impact my husband made in only 25 years of life, I am so envious of him for that). I actually did his eulogy which is something people didn't seem to think I would get through but to me it really was something I felt I had to do. No way was someone who didn't know my husband going to speak about his life the way it needed to be done. I guess you could say this is where my self doubt started (the wondering if I was handling this the right way). Here is a link to a video of his procession they made (it honestly was a beautiful celebration of life with the emergency vehicles): . I cry often at least once per day (not always waterworks, sometimes just a few tears). I also will admit sometimes that it doesn't feel real still even though I know it is. I have had my emotional breakdown in a restaurant where the waiter thought I was a crazy person. I have felt like my chest was literally being ripped apart and the emptiness that his absence leaves. I have also felt peace though. I am not sure if this is shock or if it is my strong faith in God. Sometimes I do not feel like being around people, but sometimes I love being surrounded by people. I can smile, I can laugh. I can go out with people (I only go places with his family or our close personal friends [the people who loved him too] but I can have a decent time and not feel guilty about it. But I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I feel like since Clifford passed that I have had this strong urgency to not waste a minute of my life (knowing how much of an impact he made in just 25 years). I feel like I need to make memories because he can't and that I would be disappointing him if I sat around in my room for the next few years doing nothing with myself (honestly I feel like THAT would make me feel guilty). I have definitely taken on a lot of his personality. I have never been that outgoing, but I feel like I am becoming much more like his fun self. He loved to do karaoke, dance, smile, and make people laugh. I have done all of these things since his passing. I feel like people look at me though and think I must of never loved him because who could smile after what just happened, who could be around people, what kind of girl that must be? Memories of Clifford make me smile though.... it is when I think of the things that will never be that I hurt. I know he is in heaven though and I would never begrudge him that. It sure sucks being left behind though. Here comes the thing though... even though I breakdown by myself sometimes and I can honestly say I miss him so much. He truly was my best friend. I am lonely without him even when I am with people. I hate that he isn't there. I also know that having a good time without him and having a good time with him is two different things. I no longer have a level of true happiness that I once had. Oh and I started work back today...BUT I feel bad because his mom can't work. She is on all sorts of medication and is just miserable to be exact. She has social anxiety and really cannot be around people. I feel like I SHOULD be like that, and I am not. I honestly want to know what is wrong with me. Is this shock, am I functioning too well, is this dishonoring him??? Is this going to wear off soon and then I will be like her?? I need help!! P.S. here is a link to a video I made about our love story: . Thank you for any and all advice. Brutal honesty will be appreciated.