mekender

Wanted to give an update... It took me more than 24 hours before I could calm down enough to get my thoughts put down on paper and sent to my in-laws... I wrote them a very strongly worded 4.5 page email that was not nice, I was not insulting or demeaning but I was stern and unambiguous about the whole thing and what I felt was completely out of bounds and unacceptable. The general summary of the whole thing was that I am an adult, and as such I am allowed to have friends over even stay the night, that the kids are my kids and as such decisions as to raising them or who can and cannot be around them are mine to make, and that I was not in any way asking for permission for my friend and her kids to come up for the weekend. I closed by saying that I would not bring it up after this and that I considered the matter closed so there was no need for discussion at the dinner. Thanksgiving dinner went off without a hitch, not a word was said about it by either side and it was actually one of the better family gatherings we had been to over the years. Friend delayed coming up till Thursday night and we had a damn good 3 days here... Both of us being able to heal and her and her children helping get Christmas decorations put up and tasks done around the house that were much needed.

Wow... 7 kids... Your house must be more insane than mine is with 4... You can do this, you were strong enough to be a mother to 7 kids, you are certainly strong enough to help make sure they become the kind of people that would do your husband proud. Just remember that if you can make it through today, you can make it through tomorrow... And if you can make it through tomorrow, you can make it through next week and next month...

We have had some moments where discussions strayed into areas that would probably not be suitable for family audiences, but nothing overt and it is certainly nothing that either of us would act on... My life is a big enough train wreck right now without adding her train wreck to it, and hers is a doozy to be sure...

That is the thing, this is not a woman that I would in any way be getting involved with... She is someone my kids refer to as "aunt"... She was best friends with my wife since they were both about 14 years old, her and her kids have come and stayed with us for the last 3 years during the 4th of July week... They were already planning to come up at some point this holiday season before my wife died. She was coming up to help me decorate the house for Christmas, to help me get some stuff sorted out that was my wife's and to help me get some stuff that I don't need any more listed on eBay.

Oh I am trying really, really hard to just not call or email... I totally get my father in law flipping out after thinking that I was trying to move some chick in a month after my wife died... He calmed down a lot after I explained it was only for 4 days... But my mother in law mentioning a judge tells me that the idea of taking legal action is already in her mind... And that is beyond the pale... I am not going to engage them on this if I can help it but any way this sorts out, I think that Thanksgiving dinner at my wife's cousin's house is a bad idea... If I had more than 2 days to plan it, I would be going to my dad's place, but planning a trip to 4 states away with 4 kids takes a bit more time to plan than that.

First posted the other day, wife of 12 years passed away at 41 on Halloween weekend from a sudden stroke... Wife's best friend let me know yesterday that she had found out she had a 4 day weekend so I told her to get up here with her and her 3 kids... She and her kids have been like family to me and my family... So close that when she had a house fire 2 months back, my wife and I immediately told her to get in the car and come up to stay until her house was fixed... When my wife had her stroke 4 weeks ago, I had to tell her at least a dozen times that day not to come up, not to disrupt her life that much, that there was nothing she could do. Well, today I asked my wife's cousin about either me and my kids only stopping in for a little bit during Thanksgiving or just doing at my house instead... Less than 20 minutes later my mother in law emailed me wanting me to call her... Ten minutes later I was on the phone getting cussed out by my father in law including the gem of "Are you really that horny?", my mother in law telling me that a judge would not look kindly on my job history over the last 10+ years (IT contractor, I have had 6 jobs end without notice in the last 5 years), how bad it was that I went out with friends for 5 hours on Sunday while my 17 year old watched the kids and put them to bed, etc... I have been boiling for 3 hours now... I am more mad at my in-laws than I have ever been at anyone in my entire life... If my extended family was not 10 hours away, I would be on my way there now... The only thing running through my head right now is "how dare you!" Course, I also realize that this could be the first volley in a much more complicated war that they may be about to start... So I have kept my mouth shut and not called or emailed exactly what I am thinking... But it seems like I am still expected to go be a family on Thursday...

I spoke these words just over 48 hours ago...

Thanks for the words of support and encouragement... I talked with the transplant coordinator today and he told me that one of her kidneys had been received by a similarly aged woman with a family. With tears streaming down my face and my voice cracking, I could not express to him how overjoyed I was that I was able to make sure that she continued helping people in death as she did in life... Then a bit later, I was struggling with all kinds of strange feelings as I wrote a go-fund-me asking for help... I would have preferred that someone else done it, but multiple friends and family members insisted that one be done and yet none actually did it. I have gladly donated to others go-fund-me pages, created one for a dear friend and also organized multiple fund raising efforts in other ways for other people, but doing one for myself just feels wrong somehow...

Please accept my sympathies on the passing of your wife. Yeah, finding out things after they pass stinks doesn't it? My late wife, when she would run away, would shack up with anyone that could afford her price - that happened to be whiskey. Over the years, I've made my peace with it and am no longer angered by it. It's done and gone and I'm still here having raised my sons into fine young men. You'll be P.O'd for awhile - maybe a long while - but work to try to forget all the BS and concentrate on the good things she was and speak well of her to all, especially the kids. They, and no one else really, don't need to know the full truth of what really was going on. I found it's just better to move on and forget the trashy parts of my late wife's life. Good luck and again, sorry for your loss. Mike Yea, I'm not going to dwell on it a whole lot... IMO, it is pointless to really get upset, it isn't like she cares any more and it is not like I can go in the other room and yell about it with her. And I have intentionally tried to not find out if she had been taking the medicines that she was supposed to be taking that might have mitigated some of her health problems. At the end of the day, she is still gone... I am still a single father of 4... And the things that happened that were bad have almost zero bearing on my life going forward and even more so have no real bearing on my relationship with my kids... And of course, this is stuff that my children will never know about.

I am holding on to some of the good things... We donated her organs and Sunday night at 10pm the doctor called me to let me know that her kidneys were viable and on a testing machine, but they had already informed a person with a family to start heading to the hospital. So good has come from bad!!!

Nope, I was unemployed until about 3 months ago, she and the kids were on Medicaid... But we moved to a new state on August 1st so that lapsed... My new job's benefits did not even become available to sign up for until a few weeks ago, not that I could afford it at $1822 a month for the family. And even if I had, it would not have been effective until January 1st. But I make too much for any subsidies.

Wife of 12 years passed on Saturday after suffering a massive stroke at age 42... Picking up the pieces also lets my mind roam... Took my kids to the mall to trick-or-treat last night, I caught myself thinking that one of the ladies we met would be fun to go to dinner with... I find myself talking to her best friend for hours and hours and the conversations can go into areas that really make me start thinking things that I feel guilty about at the same time... I mean it is one thing that she, my wife and I would constantly joke around about incredibly adult subject matter, it is another thing now... Today I called a former friend of mine, someone that my wife had had a lengthy friendship with up until several years ago when he and she started having some wildly inappropriate discussions via internet messaging. Them being 600 miles apart is what I think kept it from being anything more than conversations. But, he and I were good friends for most of my youth and young adult years so I felt it was only proper that I call him and tell him in person what happened. During the early part of the conversation, he said "wow, I just talked to her a few days ago"... Which was a complete shock since I was under the belief that they had not talked in at least 5 or 6 years. Going through her phone confirms that they have been talking regularly, and she was telling him that I had moved out and that she was on her own, many of the same types of things that she used to say to him to get sympathy... All this on the day I went to the funeral home and signed the paperwork to get her remains taken care of... Oh, and talking to a lawyer today, I am informed that the hospital can and most likely will come after me for the bills meaning that I am heading for bankruptcy... Merry Christmas to me and my 4 kids huh?