nerdywidow

I am traveling to the Amazon in a week, and have worked it out with the trip hosts that I will get the chance to spread some of my husband's ashes in the Amazon River. I honestly know absolutely nothing about spreading ashes... I was only going to take a small portion of them, and I am also doing carry-on only, so I'm clueless on what type of container to use that won't look suspicious or draw attention. I could just use a Ziploc and put that in something else...? Any tips from anyone else who has spread ashes before? How much/many did you use if you only spread a portion of them? What sort of container did you use? Any airport tips? I speak absolutely no Spanish, so going through airport security could be interesting, lol. Thanks so much in advance!

I always respond with "keeping busy" and leave it at that. It usually satisfies the casual inquiries from acquaintances, but not sure how it would work on family that wants actual details.

So Update - I hadn't heard anything more about it after that last text conversation, until out of the blue she texts my MOTHER this morning, claiming that I said DH didn't want anything to do with his family (which I never said and my mom obviously knows I wouldn't say), and going on about everyone keeping items from her and no one caring about her feelings etc... I had deliberately kept my parents out of this drama because it was none of their business and they already think she's unstable. I understand she's hurting, but at what point does this cross the line into harassment?

Thanks, I needed to hear that. It's hard to remember sometimes, particularly when some people feel otherwise.

Thanks all. I think what bugged me the most is the dismissive and insulting way she offered to "buy me another one." If I just wanted a microscope I would buy one myself, and if it held no value with me I would obviously give it to her no questions asked. I was as polite as I could be and told her that I recognize it's importance to her, but asked that she please respect its importance to me. I said that if I was ever ready to part with it, she and the kids would be my first thought, but that I'm not ready to do that yet. The response I got back was "It's in your possession. I have no say." So still not acknowledging my actual ownership or right to it, but hopefully she will stop bugging me about it. Funny thing is that I was planning to use his old shirts to make a memory quilt for her soon, and now I kind of don't feel like it, and also wonder if she would think I'm trying to slip her a consolation prize. Thanks again everyone!

INTP here as well. I know that many people don't put much stock in personality types, but the INTP description really does describe me perfectly. As far as grieving, I feel like I mentally accepted the fact that I was widowed almost immediately, and still don't know even 3 years out if I've actually processed it emotionally, or if I'm just pushing it down. I'm all about logic and don't deal with strong emotions well. As a result, I feel like some people may have found me to be cold, or oddly well adjusted early on, and the flipside was that when I was feeling (and still feel) strong emotions I didn't know how to express them to others. I spent a lot of time that first year appearing perfectly fine and then sobbing in the bathroom at work. I hope that's the type of info you were looking for. Interesting topic! I've often wondered how other INTP's process grief.

Thanks for the input everyone! Sorry I never responded till now. I decided to go ahead and let them borrow it for the party, and they never even used it. I took it back shortly after, and have come to find out that she is still mad about it, and I got a long message from her today explaining the emotional significance of the microscope and how she would like to "keep it in her family line." I feel somewhat guilty, as I am conscious of its history, but she obviously doesn't recognize its significance to me (since she offered to "buy me another one"), and if it's so important, why did she not think of it till 3 years later when her son wanted a science party, and then not even remember to use it once in her possession? Sigh.... As mentioned before, she can be pretty manipulative, and part of me hates to have this drive a wedge between us, but I also don't respond well to manipulation, and it makes me feel even less open to considering a compromise (whether that's right or wrong, I don't know). Sorry, just needed to vent while I cool down before formulating a response to her tomorrow...

Hello all! I've never posted here, but I would lurk on the old site and here since DH passed almost 3 years ago. It's been a godsend. I am in a bit of a sticky situation at the moment and could use some advice (and a place to vent). I should start by mentioning that my SIL can be a bit of a handful emotionally. She tends to perceive the tiniest thing as a personal slight, and DH would often lament to me that she has pretty well always been this way. I am still sorting through a lot of DH's things, downsizing and preparing to move, and have tried to be very mindful and accommodating when going through things that she might want for herself or her 3 children, or if I run across things that may have family significance. Her oldest child requested a science themed 8th birthday party, and she asked if they could use the old microscope of DH's for the party. It's about 60 years old and was the one thing willed to DH from his grandfather (it was purchased from a friend of his), and I know it meant a lot to DH. I have a science degree and remember him bringing it over to show off when we first started dating, so it holds meaning for me, too. I was extremely hesitant to let them use it for a kids' party, since it is not a toy (DH would probably be less than pleased), but decided to take the chance. When SIL's ex came over to pick it up (they are on good terms and I am honestly closer to him than I am to her) he admitted that she had been very "mopey" about the microscope and was wanting to offer a replacement so she could keep it. He also said that she was complaining about how her mom and I were both hoarding items that belonged to DH (and her late father, for her mom's part). I was livid. I try to be conscious of potential family "heirlooms" that I may run across, but I'm putting my foot down on this one. I think she feels that since we were only married almost 5 years, and we had no children, that the microscope isn't in the family anymore. I don't think she even remembered it existed before the birthday party came up, and she also refuses to ask for anything directly, so if there is something else I am "hoarding" away from her, I don't know what it is. Even her current boyfriend has pointed out that she has a bit of a martyr complex. Sorry for the rant, but I'm not quite sure how to handle this. How have other people dealt with their spouse's family items? If we had children it wouldn't be an issue, but I really think DH would want me to keep it regardless. Thanks!