I am here for the first time - 2 years after the death of my husband on December 24, 2014. A close friend of mine saw an ad for this forum and notified me tonight, but only after I brought up the desire to begin seeking counsel / support online. I am a true believer that God places tools in our hands at the moment we need them. I look forward to gaining strength from this group and hope to encourage others in return.
I'm not sure I am ready to go into full detail of my situation. I haven't yet known of anyone to walk the same path I am walking. My husband suffered from extreme manic / bipolar depression. I don't regret our marriage. I have learned from our marriage. I only grieve the internal despair he fought on a daily basis and the resulting tragic end of his life at age 45. I mourn the tragic end of his life and the way my two daughters and I will always remember his last words. After a still unbelievable, inconceivable night of manic fury, my daughters and I left our home in true fear of our lives. My father approached my husband the next day to help me determine if he had slept off whatever state of mind (drug induced? manic breakdown?) he was suffering, and their interaction ended in a shooting. My beloved father and my beloved, but very troubled husband, are forever linked in history on that fateful day. I still feel like I have not woken up from this bad dream. I still feel that he must still just be around the corner. If I begin to think of the trauma this one day caused to my family and to myself and to my daughters, I get overwhelmed. On the other hand, we no longer walk on eggshells each morning and evening worried what mood we are coming home to. The day after his death, my 14 year old daughter said to me "mom - I am so sad but he scared me so much." I don't really even know how to contend with the equal degrees of our mourning and our simultaneous relief. I am 42 years old. I didn't grow up in an abusive home. They did. I grieve on so many levels, yet I am also relieved he is gone for the sake of my daughters. I look forward to sorting through the many emotions I keep within. I am known to be quite humorous, actually, but that has developed over the past 15 years. I wonder if my quick wit has developed as a coping mechanism for what I have endured inside. Thank you for developing a forum for every situation... grief is inconceivable unless you have also grieved. I know that very well.
