marjoe

No, you aren't unreasonable. What is it with people?

I know all the words to "Brandy". I don't know what that says about me, lol.

Amen, KK. In the old board, I would refer to them as death groupies. The ones who want to hear all about it and leave you depleted. Screw 'em.

I'll bite.

Paint it Black - Rolling Stones

Going Mental - Ramones

Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult

Hey, Joe - Jimi Hendrix

Sunday, Bloody Sunday - U2

Teenage Lobotomy - Ramones (you see a trend here?)

Marsha

Cheese popcorn, most definitely!

Walk in the woods, or walk on the ocean?

Still, I have read your post, several times. So much of what you wrote hit home. I'm at 8 1/2 years, and there are times I think - G-d, I've been through the fire and survived. Some days I'm riding high, confident and ok, and other days - well, come home from work, pour that wine, binge watch the White Queen, and think, OMFG, what is to become of me? So yeah, you're not alone in this. I've found that there's a byproduct of being widowed, be it fear, or warrior strength, or cynicism. Whatever it is, good or bad, it stays with us. My 2 cents.

I just wanted you to know that you've been heard - thank you for posting this. Marsha

Nicky - it doesn't sound odd to me. I felt the same way - walking out of the hospice room at the hospital, into the sunshine of a hot July day, I literally couldn't believe the world was still turning.

There came a time, and I don't know if it was at 6 or 8 months, when, all of a sudden, I remembered. I was so frantic, I wrote down all of my good memories - I don't know what triggered it, but the good ones started to come back. Still, that movie reel of those 4 months are burned into me. But at least I started remembering the other - it will come to you. Hugs, Marsha

I am so sorry. And I agree with NewGirl, I will do the same (on the beach) for your wife's memory.

My sympathies on your loss, Kaleigh - so I'll try to answer based on my own experience. Yes, the dreams can be G-d-awful. No, there is nothing more to them than your brain processing. What I did from the beginning was write down everything the next day. More times than not, I'd see where my brain was taking me. Did it help? Well, hell, not in the helping of the grief thing. But it gave me a little bit of clarity. Hang in there - the brain and heart deal with emotional trauma in not so great ways - but they do deal.

Rayspumpkin - I see it differently. I see it as yearning, and love, and missing. Hugs to you - Marsha

Semper - RUN, don't walk, from this guy. He is seriously fucked up. Reading what he wrote is - disturbing, to say the least.

Cassandra, sorry - but this made me laugh. Good one!

One of our former members posted a birthday wish on FB to her deceased husband - it was a "we" rememberance, along with her husband now, as she's remarried. It was a lovely and humorous post. My former 17 year old employe; dad (who I knew well) overdosed 9 years ago, posted today how the day sneaks up on her. She posted it with a memory of love. My friends post pictures of deceased parents, and how they miss them, and some are gone decades. Do it, Mizpah! I  know what you mean - but who gives a shit? Post it. Love may be here again, but it doesn't negate the effects of that special person, that one of a kind, never to be here again, funny, quirky individual who LIVED. Do it!

Wifeless - you have outdone yourself! Thank you!

Thank you, Maureen, for this. Well written, and on point - for me, "Now that he's gone, I'm the only one who speaks our language." So true. A widowed friend said.."I'm silenced,", and he was right.

WOT, I speak from much further out, but I remember, and it still hits me (albeit to a lesser degree).

This is the way it goes. You are not going backwards, although it feels that way. I think we all describe it as waves that come, sometimes overwhelm, and subside. Take it easy on yourself, and please know this is normal, in our new abnormal. Don't feel that you have to do the holiday thing. I mean, the first Thanksgiving (at 6 months out) I cooked a 15 lb turkey (for myself) and made soup and gravy, blasted Black Sabbath, and cried a lot. Couldn't face anyone. Made it through. Thank the Lord for Ozzie.

And yes, I also know exactly how you're feeling, and I'm glad you wrote. We're all here for you - Marsha

You can collect while working, but only if you make under $15,600. Sit down and figure out if you can live on that $15,600 plus SS.

I did, and I'm glad I did it.

No offense, Mike, but I agree with Maureen's post and thoughts. I'm a different person, with a different perspective, and there is no turning back. It is what it is. My feelings of mortality, and control (or lack of), stay with me.

i get it. Over the years, there have been many times I've been energized, forging forward (I know, just slap me) - and then, there are other times where my motivation is nil. It's worse than that - it's like I want to do something, but I'm too pumped to even concentrate, and, at the same time, sloth-like. Oy. I hate it when I feel like that.

Damn, girl, you always say what I'm thinking. I acknowledge your loss, and your love for Jim, and I'm sending over some cyber hugs for today. I hear you.

Thank you for an introspective and, yes, beautiful and thought provoking post. I can indeed relate.

I have to kill the fucking bugs (palmetto, crickets, spiders) myself. Shit.

i'm very glad for you, Lost. And - not silly at all. I've had a couple of these dreams, and the feeling I get is - within the dream, I'm thinking to myself, this is real. And it does feel real, like for those moments Joe & I are in the same parallel universe (or something like that, kinda). It's pretty wonderful, actually. ((Hugs!))

Too Soon - I don't know that reading for hours is a bad thing, you know? And personally, I don't see it as shutting down, more like re-constituting oneself. Yeah, this is the introvert talking, so I'm all over it.

"A knowledge I never asked for or wanted." - I know what you're saying. My perspective has changed pretty dramatically, over the past 8 years. I don't know that I can "see" anything in the same way I did before. We've heard and said to each other "you won't be the same", but hearing it and realizing the entirety of it are two different things. This is not meant to be negative. It's not negative. It's just really, really strange, like an out of body experience.

Jeez. I'm having a really difficult time explaining what I'm thinking. Still - hugs to you!