Still, I have read your post, several times. So much of what you wrote hit home. I'm at 8 1/2 years, and there are times I think - G-d, I've been through the fire and survived. Some days I'm riding high, confident and ok, and other days - well, come home from work, pour that wine, binge watch the White Queen, and think, OMFG, what is to become of me? So yeah, you're not alone in this. I've found that there's a byproduct of being widowed, be it fear, or warrior strength, or cynicism. Whatever it is, good or bad, it stays with us. My 2 cents.
I just wanted you to know that you've been heard - thank you for posting this. Marsha