Monique

After a year and a half, I'm starting to really desire a connection with someone again. I've mostly found myself attracted to people who are very clearly wrong for me, but  I've also been on a couple of dates with a friend of mine who I think could be a good match. I like him, and I want to see where it goes, but at the same time I'm not sure how much chemistry we really have. Do we just need more time? Or is it possible that I'll never fall in love again the way I did with my late fiance?  Has anyone else experienced this? 

I'm seeing this super late, but I'm in  Portland so not too far!

I've experienced something similar. I have some coworkers who like to flirt with me, and recently I actually felt a small flutter of desire- never thought that would happen again. It kind of is like being in high school again! I've had "crushes" on a couple of people in the past year, and it's very weird trying to navigate all those emotions again. 

I only seem to fall for wildly inappropriate people, though- I think because I'm not ready to love again for real. Nothing has come of my feelings, and I'm kind of glad. 

Good luck to you! 

I've been thinking about this lately too. At almost 7 months out, I don't want a new relationship or sex, but sometimes I do really miss having someone to hold my hand, or to just sit with and put our arms around each other. Sam and I were constantly touching when we were together- he'd reach for my hands as soon as we sat down across from each other at a restaurant. So being alone is really hard.

Also seconding what Bunny said about the joy of holding a child's hand. It's such a sweet, simple show of love when a kid wants to hold hands or give you a big hug.

I'm not sure what kind of work you do, but it could be additional stress causing you to become more emotional. Or if your work leaves you a lot of time to think, that could be a factor as well. My job is a little of both, and the first few weeks back were very difficult (and some days still can be). It should get easier with time! Good luck to you, and try not to be too hard on yourself.

Yep, I can relate to this. I'd much rather have gone with him than live through this hell...

It's been 5 months since Sam died, and I think about him every day, but I've also gotten on with my life in many ways. I'm working, I can have a normal conversation, I can make it through most days just fine. And that bothers me. I don't want to be okay. I'm terrified I'm going to forget him. He was the love of my life, my soulmate, and I don't want him to ever just be a footnote in my life or some long-ago memory. I don't want to ever stop thinking about him or doing things for him. How do I continue to keep his memory alive as time goes on?

I found an article on the ring theory a few months ago, and it resonated with me as well. That was exactly my complaint about my family- they expected me to be concerned about how they were affected, which was just more than I could handle in those first days. All I could keep saying was that they didn't HAVE to be affected at all. They could go home and go back to work and get on with their lives as if nothing had ever happened, but MY life was changed forever. They did try to be supportive, but that just wasn't the dynamic I was used to, and it didn't work for me. I had been there for my mom when she lost her parents, and I was accustomed to her coming to me for help, not the other way around.

I currently live 5,000 miles away from my parents, so there is definitely some quite literal distance in our relationship. It makes things easier, but also makes me feel guilty. I'd like to have a better relationship with them, but it feels really superficial a lot of the time when we talk about the weather and work, and not about this huge, life-altering, devastating loss that actually takes up most of the space in my mind on a typical day. Maybe I can learn to view talking with them as an enjoyable distraction, the way I do work or time spent with certain friends.

I did have a bit of a breakthrough in my thinking the other day, as I realized that even if they had made every decision exactly the way I would have and done everything I asked (or didn't ask for but still wanted), my life really wouldn't be much different or better. Sam would still be dead, and nothing that anyone said or did in those first days would actually make that easier to handle. So there's really no point in being angry about it. Doesn't mean I'm not still angry and bitter some days, but it does help a little to remind myself that being angry doesn't change anything that happened.

Missmybecky, are you sure she realized you were attracted to her? I've been guilty of doing that same thing to guys before when I suddenly realized they were interested in more than just friendship. It's not the nicest thing to do to someone, but sometimes I just panic.

That's about where I am too MS. I just don't want to cut off contact with them because I know all too well that I won't have them forever. But at the same time I feel like only with time and distance will I be able to get over my bitterness and feel more comfortable talking to them.

Just realized I didn't see the second page before replying. My apologies for the rather out-of-context comment. I'm sorry you ultimately had to let go of this friendship, but it sounds like it was the right decision for you. Hugs...

It's been over 4 months now, but I'm still upset with my family (mostly my mom) over the way they handled things. The day after Sam died, I was scheduled to fly to Colorado and visit my parents on vacation. When I got the news, I called them intending to say that I couldn't come, but they insisted that I come anyway, and I was too much of a wreck to argue. I lasted two days there and it was awful. On the second day I told them "I want to go home." They agreed, but insisted on driving back with me, which took two days. I was in contact with my in-laws via phone calls the whole time, but they still made all the arrangements without me because I wasn't there. I wasn't there when they packed up all of his stuff, either.

I was uncomfortable with my parents being there for the funeral and everything leading up to it, because I felt that they made it all about what they wanted instead of what I wanted. I needed to be with Sam's family and just focus on him, but my parents needed to be around me, whether I wanted them there or not. So I found myself constantly comforting them, instead of the other way around.

We stayed in town for about a week and a half, and my parents decided that I needed to leave town and come back to Florida with them. I fought them on that, because I knew our relationship would become even more strained if I went back with them, but I eventually gave in because I didn't feel like they actually gave me a choice. And I was right- the drive across the country was miserable, and so was the time I spent at my parents' house. My mom said a lot of really insensitive things to me in the beginning, to the point where I just don't tell her anything about what I'm going through anymore. She was also weirdly jealous of my MIL, who I talk to regularly and who I feel actually understands what I'm experiencing. She's the only person I can talk openly with about Sam's whole complicated story, and in the beginning that was all I wanted to talk about. I tried to be honest about all of this, but my mom heard it as me not loving her anymore and preferring my in-laws over her and my dad. So I gave up on trying to convince her otherwise, and now I talk to my parents about twice a month, and I don't share anything about my grief. We just talk about work and other things like that. I don't even like talking to them anymore. It feels stressful and fake.  I'm angry over the way they handled everything, and I also still haven't forgiven my mom for not wanting me to marry Sam in the first place. I can't help thinking she got her wish. But they're family, and I want to fix this somehow. How do I let go of everything I'm upset about and rebuild my relationship with them?

It sounds to me as if she isn't that invested in the friendship anymore, but doesn't want to hurt you or completely end the friendship by actually telling you that she feels that way. As another person said earlier, give her some time. It's likely she's just caught up in her family obligations and new baby, and once her own life settles down a bit, she may become more interested in spending time with you again. It sucks that she didn't make time for this walk when it's important to you, but unfortunately we can't really depend on anyone to always be there when we need them. I hope that you have lots of other friends there to support you, and that it goes well!

I cried at work today. No one said anything.

Hi Meemzi. I'm so sorry for your loss. My fiancé also died by suicide 4 months ago, and there are so many questions and so much guilt that comes with this kind of loss. It's so frustrating to constantly think of what you might have done differently but not be able to change it. And yes, i hate it when people say that suicide is selfish. It minimizes everything they went through to get to that point and everything we're going through now, and it just isn't helpful.

I don't know if any of this is helping, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. If you want someone to talk to, send me a message anytime.

I'm Catholic. Sometimes it's really hard to keep going to church every week, but it's important to me to keep up with it.

I live just across the border in Alaska... made a bunch of Canadian pastries for work today. Butter tarts are amazing! Happy Canada Day!

I'm trying to learn how to work it into conversations with new people... the phrase "late fiancé" just sounds so awkward though. I love talking about him, but the first time I tell someone is always so uncomfortable.

We weren't married yet, so I still have my maiden name. I desperately wish I had his though. My last name is a constant reminder of the future I lost.

My ring was a gift from Sam's mother and doesn't look like a traditional engagement ring. I'm at about 3 months and still wearing it. I don't intend to stop. I can't wear it at work, but I just move it onto my necklace until the end of my shift. We weren't yet married when he died, but I do have my wedding ring as well. I wear it occasionally, but mostly I stick to the engagement ring.

I'd like to share another song with you that I've always loved, and that especially resonates with me now that I've experienced this loss. It is a French song, so perhaps you know it.

(Please forgive any spelling errors or poor translations; I did them in high school French class)

Les Feuilles Mortes- Yves Montand

Oh! Je voudrais tant que tu te souviens (Oh, I wish so much that you would remember)

Les jours heureux ou nous etions amis (those happy days when we were friends)

En ce temps la la vie etait plus belle (In those days life was more beautiful)

Et le soleil plus brulant qu'aujourd'hui (and the sun brighter than today)

Le feuilles mortes (the dead leaves)

Se ramasse a la pelle (collect in the shovel)

Tu vois, je n'ai pas oublie (You see, I have not forgotten)

Les feuilles mortes se ramasse a la pelle (the dead leaves collect in the shovel)

Les souvenirs et les regrets aussi (the memories and the regrets as well)

Et le vent du nord les emporte (and the north wind sweeps them away)

Dans la nuit froid de l'oubli (into the cold night of oblivion)

Tu vois, je n'ai pas oublie (you see, I never forgot)

La chanson que tu me chantais (the song that you sang to me)

C'est un chanson (it is a song)

Qui nous ressemble (that resembles us)

Toi, tu m'aimais (you, who  loved me)

Et je t'aimais (and I who loved you)

Nous vivions tout

Les deux ensemble (we lived together)

Toi qui m'aimais (you who loved me)

Moi qui t'aimais (and who I loved)

Mais la vie separe (but life separates)

Ceux qui s'aime (those who love)

Tout doucement (very sweetly)

Sans faire de bruit (without making noise)

Et la mer efface sur le sable (and the sea erases on the sand)

Les pas des amants desunis (the footprints of separated lovers)

A few others on my list:

All Of Me- John Legend (should have been our wedding song)

If I Die Young- The Band Perry

Just A Dream- Carrie Underwood

Free Bird- Lynyrd Skynyrd

Photographs and Memories- Jim Croce

Behind Blue Eyes- The Who

I heard this one today and completely lost it...

Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt, suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday, waiting for you

Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything, take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath, every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday, waiting for you

Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed, I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

One step closer

I have died everyday, waiting for you

Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed, I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

Just stumbled upon this post and I think more people should see it.

This one goes out to all the people I run into on a daily basis who casually ask me "How are you?" but don't really care about the answer.

How am I, you ask? How am I?

I hate that question, because there's no good way to answer it.

I'll probably tell you I'm okay, or alright, or fine. Never good, because that's too bold of a lie. But none of them are the truth. I guarantee you don't want the truth. But here it is anyway, for those of you willing to hear it.

The truth is, I'm miserable. I'm lonely. I'm overwhelmed. I'm angry. And I'm really, really sad. All the time. Even if I don't look like it.

The truth is, I'm falling apart. I can't keep up at work, I can't think straight, I can't have a normal conversation. And I can't bring myself to care.

The truth is, everything I do feels meaningless now. I have no interest in anything.

The truth is, I'm not just overwhelmed at work, I'm overwhelmed by LIFE.

The truth is, I can barely manage to get out of bed some days.

The truth is, I feel like a failure at everything: life, love, work, all of it.

The truth is, I'm more fragile than you think. Sometimes all it takes is the wrong tone of voice to make me cry.

The truth is, sometimes I just lose it because of a song on the radio or a memory that pops into my head.

The truth is, sometimes I get so angry at the world that I want to scream at the top of my lungs and put my fist through a window.

The truth is, I come home and cry at night and wonder what's the point in living.

The truth is, I spend significant amounts of time contemplating ways to die.

The truth is, every breath I take feels like a betrayal. How can I go on living when the love of my life is dead?

The truth is, I don't want to live anymore, but I don't really want to commit suicide either. I've seen what it does to the people left behind, and I don't want to perpetuate that cycle. Plus I'm too afraid of eternal damnation. But if I could just get struck by lightning or something, that would be great.

The truth is, I feel completely alone all the time, even if I'm surrounded by people, because no one gets it.

The truth is, I feel guilty for not being a good employee, a good friend, a good daughter. I'm letting everyone down and I hate it.

The truth is, I'm constantly afraid of being too much of a burden on the people around me.

The truth is, I hate  saying I'm okay, because I'm not and probably never will be. Nothing will ever be the same. But I'm not supposed to tell people that.

Aren't you glad you asked?