bromans

Hi there. It's been a pretty long time since I last posted, but I'm having a hard time tonight so I thought I might vent here a little. Coming up on the year mark, it seems like I'm having a harder time remembering the day to day stuff with her. However, I generally think back on our memories in a "happy" way. That's pretty normal, I know. It stresses me out like crazy though, because I feel like I'm the remember-er, you know? There's so much stuff that, once it's gone from me it's gone forever. No disrespect to her family and friends and all that, but they don't know which one of our blankets was her favorite for playing video games. They don't know which type of frozen pot pie she liked (don't get the kind with the mushrooms). That kind of stuff was is mine to remember. God, I just want to feel like I'm in the same room with her again. Every once in a while there will be that one little thing. That jolt that will (unexpectedly) bring it all back with it's vivid colors and smells and smiles. (Her smile was like nothing you've ever seen --ask anyone). Today that jolt came in the form of pepperoni pizza that a friend brought over. Pepperoni pizza.... with stuffed crust... how did I forget? It was more than her favorite. It was her happy food. Her comfort when the anxiety hit. Our late night adventure to the one place that would serve it 24 hours. We spent so many nights like that... how have I not thought of it once? It can't be said enough: this sucks.

Hit the 6 month mark yesterday. (What a strange and painful set of words to type...) Someone told me today that it seems like I'm "healing well," but all I heard was "you're getting very good at acting like a normal person in public." Anyway, I guess I belong in this time frame now. "Shock Wears Off, Reality Sets In" doesn't seem quite right yet. Now for some randomness from the amazing life I had before. Here are two small things that I remembered today for the first time (I think). 1. There was a tall weed near the drive that we shared with my in-laws. When you were driving up the lane at night, and your headlights hit it a certain way, it looked like a deer about to run into the road. DW and I came up with the clever name "deer plant." Every single time that girl would pull into the driveway at night, she would tap on the brakes a bit hard and mumble "stupid deer plant." 2. There are lots of oak trees where I live, so naturally there plenty of acorns on the ground as fall approaches. One time, I told her that I liked the way it felt/ sounded when I stepped on the green ones (weird, I know). She thought it was hilarious. It became one of our inside jokes that every time one of us saw a green acorn we would go out of our way to step on it. I miss her so much.

At just over five months, I'm struggling with the idea of piecing together some sort of "normal" without Marriah. I feel like I have no goals, no aspirations anymore. I'm only 24, and was going to school for vocational ministry, but with how much I'm struggling spiritually I don't see it happening now. Every plan that I've ever made for my future involved her. It was about her. So, what now? I guess grad school is an option-- choose a whole new career and just... do it. But motivation is at an all-time low, plus I'm just downright afraid that I can't handle it. I guess I'm just wondering if there are any young wids struggling with the same thing?

Hi Always. I'm so so sorry. I hear so much of myself in what you wrote here. My wife and I were high school sweethearts as well. We went to different schools, but chose to go to the same college and got married soon after. She was ion an accident just over 5 months ago. I know what it's like to grow up with someone you love with all your being and have them taken away. I found myself looking around for her advice when planning her funeral only to have reality, like a kick to the chest, set back in. I've never made one important decision without her. I've never lived alone. I've never pictured a future for myself where she and my children weren't there, yet right when we were about to start a family...she's gone --just weeks before her 24th birthday. I would never wish this on my worst enemy, and I hate that you had to join this awful club. Like Mizpah said, anything you say is welcome here. This is a group of people who understand. Post as much or as little as you like, and it will be read, understood. I've only been here 5 months, but it has been one of the best things I could have done for myself to join. I will also join Mizpah in suggesting therapy. I was skeptical at first, but it is truly a place to just let out everything that you can't say in everyday life. Also, if you find someone who you particularly relate with on here, you might message them. For me, it has been nice having more in-dept conversations with fellow wids. Thinking of you.

Mac, I lost my wife on Feb. 24 and I still sleep on the couch. The idea of laying in a bed trying to sleep without her is terrifying to me. So, I do what works. For me that means the couch, but you do whatever works for you.

It was good for me to read this today. Thanks for bumping this, Monique.

That was some darn good babbling, Mizpah. Everything that you said about not wanting to feel better, or go through the process is exactly what was going through my head.

At just over 3 months, I feel like things are taking a bad, bad turn. I'm so lost. The days feel like they are getting longer, and Im faking it at every turn. The only person who ever knew me is gone; not even I know who I am without her... I don't want to know. I feel myself slowly forgetting what that person was like. I'm scared and I'm lonely and I'm sick of acting like I'm not. Im tired of watching 70s gameshows just to fall asleep. I'm tired of cleaning bird crap off her headstone. I'm 24 years old, why am I doing this? Don't you dare tell me it will get better with time; I dread the passing of time. I dread the day day that I turn 46, double her age. One day I'll have to make a living for myself and I dread that day. I feel like a burden to everyone around me. Only one person promised to be there during my worst moment. To make me laugh. To hold me when the nightmares wake me up, or when I'm panicking for no reason. But now she's gone and I don't know how to move forward. Or sideways. Or even backward for that matter. Ugh. Im sorry you had to read this... this is one of my worst days yet... until tomorrow.

To give you an idea Lisa, I got 57. They should add a new level. I'm thinking "unimaginable, soul-crushing grief"

I'll echo these thoughts, and I'll be here listening. Hugs.

I couldn't figure out the attachment either, so I used an image sharing site (tinypic). After uploading, I copied the img url by right clicking on the pic, then use "insert image" on the body of the message and paste the url.

Forgot to put in the description! This is her being awesome, and us last Christmas!

Hey Mishka, so sorry you are going through this. I don't think I can tell you what's normal, but for me therapy has helped a great deal with sleeping and just being able to say absolutely anything. Especially now that I feel like everyone has gone back to their normal lives, its good to be able to let out as much as I need to and know thatI'm not inconveniencing anyone. As far as passing the time, I'm still trying to figure that out myself. I hope you're able to find something that works for you.

It has only been 8 weeks for me, and I am currently living with my in-laws. I chose this because we have always been very close, and they lived next door to us, so if I want to spend some time in my house, it's in walking distance. The problem is that my BIL and his wife have a newborn, and my in-laws are so enthralled with him-- overly so in my opinion. They are constantly talking about him, saying how adorable he is, he's the most perfect baby, watching videos, wanting to go see him etc. And it really is constant. All hours of the day. I don't think that they understand how hard DW and I tried to start our own family or how badly she wanted to be a mom. To them, their grandson is one of the only bright spots they have, but to me it's just a painful reminder of what we wanted so bad and will never have. I don't think I can stand it any longer. Everytime I see a video of their happy little family it tears me apart. They weren't even trying to have a baby. Ive been leaving the room every time he comes up, and it's not just them. Everyone wants to talk about him, especially her extended family EVERY time they visit. I don't think at this point I can say anything to them about it. Anyway, thanks for hearing my rant. God, how I regret that I couldn't give her what she wanted...