Ginger1210

Hi there - not sure if you are still looking for someone to talk to, but I live in Houston. My fiancé passed away in April this year. I am 30 now, still haven't met anyone about my age who has been through something like this so I'd be open to meeting up.

Hugs to you Courtney. It has been five months for me and the loneliness is still unbearable. Like you I am an only child, I am not sure what your experience of that was but I was always so independent before meeting my man. I never had a problem being alone and it is disorienting for me now to feel so lonely and constantly afraid to be without him. We were together for over four years and did nearly everything together. I am having such a hard time now doing things on my own. Work is the only part of my day that feels "normal" because I am used to him not being at work with me, it's the only part of my routine that has stayed the same without him.

I am not technically a widow either, we were engaged when he was diagnosed with cancer and realized very quickly that we were better off financially if we didn't get legally married so we were never able to make it official. Some people in our families don't choose to recognize me as his widow but it makes those who have been supportive all the more important to me.

My birthday was a few weeks ago, just before the five-month mark. I spent the day surprisingly enraged at most of my friends (real life and Facebook types) who all gave me the big "Happy Birthday Have a Great Day!" type of wishes that succeeded in making me feel so alienated and terrible--how could anyone say that to me? How could they think I would be anything other than miserable?

 

Also, the highlighted that, as a widow with no kids for whom DH was about 90% of my social life, I am just so alone.

 

It also makes me fear the holidays--and his birthday right before Christmas--terribly.

Your experience is so similar to mine it is uncanny. My birthday was a few weeks ago as well, just before the five month mark for me too. It was a terrible day - I was trapped alone in my house during a terrifying hurricane and people kept sending me messages wishing me the happiest of birthdays and hoping I was having a great day. My man always made my birthday such a special day - the first birthday without him couldn't have been anything but terrible and the hurricane made it that much worse. Felt so alone trying to deal with a natural disaster without him and felt so alienated from everyone wishing me a happy birthday, how could they be so out of touch? Made me feel like the crazy one.

His birthday was also just before Christmas which has me dreading the holidays. I had such a bad experience with my birthday (and our aniversary just after) that I am not looking forward to another "first".