Working on me

Hi, I know it has been a while since you posted this but I only read this message yesterday. I have never joined a forum or talked to anyone apart from counsellors and a couple of friends about my experience. I find a lot of people who grieve the death of their spouse experience is so different from my own. The spouse and the relationship seem so perfect and the loss so profound. I feel loss and pain even now after nearly 5 years but my grief is not simple like that. I also felt relief and freedom from financial and emotional stress. My husband was daignosed with depression in 2007 although they subsequently thought he may be bi polar. He tried therapy, medication and we did have good periods. He also self medicated with Marijuana and eventually a lot of alcohol. He was a funny, kind and generally easy going and charming man. People loved him but he was a terribly conflicted man. Things were very bad financially and emotionally for us when he killed himself. He got very drunk which sadly often happened and we argued. I was at the end of my rope. We had two young boys one aged 5 and one only 18 months old. He struggled to work even part time, spent the days lying around the house while I worked 6 days a week and nights too trying to make ends meet. He struggled to help me with the boys too so I had them in daycare and worked evenings when they were asleep. I had begun to fall apart in that last year. Bills were mounting up and I felt angry at him. I have a good career and earn reasonable money but we had nothing. We were always struggling. Hindsight is wonderful. Money didnt matter after he died. I looked back at many things and judged myself harshly for being so material but i just desperatly wanted the pressure off my shoulders and a normal partner that shared the burdens of daily life with me. He was angry when he left our house. He threatened he was going to do it. I begged him not to go and tried to take the car keys off him. He locked me out of the garage and took our only car and drove it at very high speed in to a tree. I have had so many what ifs and many other feelings of guilt and regret but I have also had a lot of anger at him. I know he was ill but he was often reckless and didnt think before he made split second decisions. Quiting job after job and never taking responsibility for our financial situation. I loved him and we were together 13 years but in the last 5 years I lost myself. The truth is I felt like he meant to hurt me and I know he was troubled but he left me with nothing, no car, a financial mess and a funeral to pay for. I also found out from friends after he died that he hadnt been loyal to me. Trying to sleep with my friends on a number of occassions. It has been nearly 5 years now and his boys have grown. I always try and be positive with them about their dad saying he loved them and talking of his illness like any other just in his mind. But in my heart i am still conflicted and have felt such guilt for that too. I cant just simply mourn his passing. I find it hard to stomach when his friends and family talk about him with rosy coloured glasses. Everyone has even his worst critics since he died. To the point where his parents will barely admit he killed himself. His brother and sister still dont know. And they dont want to know. Ive been told they just want to think of him how he was to them and dont want to know about his troubles or how he died. I dont believe in hiding it but I also have to respect their own grief. I supported him in all those years when these friends and family barely saw him or talked to him and now i feel like the one who is being critical for telling the truth. I have worked a lot on this with counsellors and this year I am flying back to the UK where his family live with my boys. I know I will have to deal with it all. I am glad to be going to see my family who are all very open and have been since his death and I felt i was ready to see his family. As it gets closer though i feel torn and conflicted more then ever. I think I will just focus on the boys and my new life but I feel it is not fair to ignore and pretend this huge part of my life and my story never happened especially with those people who have shared my pain more than anyone - his parents and siblings. Thanks for listening