BillsKim

Oh my gosh... I've been trying to get in here forever. First it wouldn't let me post. At all. Then I couldn't get my phone to finish opening the link. Then I couldn't find the fb group where I knew the group link was. Luckily someone posted on it today and I followed it. Tried a few times to be able to post and it still wouldn't work. I decided I was gonna try one last time and it worked!! So I'm still around and wanted you all to know, still no job. The places found for help out here didn't help me, but that's ok. Just gotta keep trying to get on my feet. I survived my daughter's wedding up to the last few minutes and my oldest son screwed that up. But the rest was beautiful and we were in the perfect spot for a million stars. The problem I had with my son was over their lowlife father. I despise that piece of garbage. I stay clear of him and they just done get it. Either that or they don't care. I'm going for don't care. But it was a stupid moment that he did regret the next morning. Non drinkers don't do well when they're trying to keep up. Anyway, their dad took a picture of the sky and my youngest put it on fb, so I stole it. There were eyes on the sky. You could see them. My daughter has 3 small pics of her grandmothers hanging from her bouquet. Tiny locket sized and a table without names or pics, to honor family that has been lost on both sides, over time. I sat at my table most of the time. My cousin and I got crazy and dance all over for a few minutes. And I faked my way through most of the night. I even played off drinking. Mine you I had champagne during the toast. But when I went to where the bar was, there wasn't much chouce to work with as far as mixing and I don't like most booze...sooooo I filled a plastic cup half way with Tequila. Ar first I figured I'd do a repeat of my oldest daughter's wedding and stick with that. It was good, but this time no shots. I sipped that stuff. Less then half way through, I needed to get away from a conversation and hide, so I slipped the cup under the table and dumped it. Then acted like I couldn't just sit there with an empty cup and excused myself. I walked off and talked to people I hadn't seen in years. Hmmm I haven't seen anyone but my kids in years, now that I think about it. Then I saw someone I didn't want to talk to and headed for the bar and refilled my cup. That cup helped me to be able to move around. I could hold and and just talk or I could pretend I was easily distracted and could walk away from things. Truthfully, I probably drank the equivalent of 4 shots all night. Maybe. But I managed to pour small amounts out here and there. Now I hear I was wasted. LOL. Anyway, I survived it. I found places alone all during the night and then at midnight I asked Bill to get my through that day without crying. That didn't happen but I did better than I thought I would. At least after the ceremony itself. So I'm not gone again and just wanted you all to know how much I appreciate all of you and how much I love you all. If it wasn't for this board and the last, there have been many times I feel like I would have emploded from having to hold things in, because there's just no one else to listen. Thank you all so much for coming to my rescue I just had no one and nowhere else to let it out. Love you all

I wrote a post last night and it isnt here. Frustrating! Yesterday Dakotah and I left home at 1:25. We walked to the Metro district office. None of the indepentant stores were open and my bill was due. I didnt want to take the chance that they turbed them off and find a way to charge me more. So we got there after 3:30. I love the girl that took care of us. Told her i just needed to pay my bill but needed to find out what THEY were going to charge me. I had to have her repeat it a couple of times and confirm her answers to my questions. Then i told her what the other 3 stores had said. She looked shocked and said "They wanted to charge you how much?" The manager came over and asked if I'd repeat what i said and then asked which stores I had been to. He said they can add fees on top of what the tax would have been. That just now sank in, but they were not supposed to charge an activation fee. So one thing off my mind is our phones. Matter of fact, not only did we get them replaced for just the tax, y they gave me an additional line and my new payment is now $8 cheaper. I ended up paying my lower bill and a grade total of $24!! Not 90_100 bucks. $24!!!! The girl who helped us and the manager worked with us until about 15 after the store closed. I have been so panicked thinking we'd have no contact anywhere and $24!!! I'm not as angry today as I was last night walking home. We left the store and walked across the parking lot to Walmart to price sd cards and use the restrooms and started back at I think 6:02. We stopped half way home at McDonalds and drank a soda and tea, got a refill and started back home. With a 20 rest for the drinks, we finally got home at 8:58. I was hurting so bad the walk back was slower. And havi g to rest where we did was no picnic for me. I get sick just from the smell of that place. Thank goodness for all the dust up my nose. LOL. And double thank goodness I had checked to see if there was anything left in my account to buy a bag of potatoes. My DIC payment was in there. Gotta get the rent paid and storage and I'll be broke in a couple of hours. That is if my body can get up and walk again today. One thing down at least. The DMV is a real pain. Paying for what I cant drive. Would have been nice if I could have yesterday. It's only a 15 drive to that store.

5till have a bouncing screen but all new phones. Dakotah and i left home just before 1:30 and got to the regional office a little after 3:30. I just needed to pay my bill before 5. I was affraid they'd turn them off and charge me even more since we hadnt gotten new ones. I also wanted to find out what they were going to charge for the upgrades. Private dealers can charge what they want as far as the tax. Don't get that. But, they should not have been charging me the activation fee. I ended up giving them the stores that were doing that. Manager walked over while the girl was helping me and asked me to repeat what i had just said. The girl we worked with was shocked and said "they tried to charge how mu h for what?" So she ran it all down for me and i asked her several times if that was it, while she worked with us. The store closed at 5 and she and the manager worked to set us all up and transfer all our info. I ended up with an additional line, addition free phone and my new bill will be $8 cheaper a month. So after paying my bill it was $24 or $28. Huge difference from the 90_100 bucks the other 3 were going to charge me. We left at 5:15 and other than the 20 minutes stopping at McDonalds for soda and tea, we didnt stop moving. Got home just before 9. Exhausted and so much pain i cant think. Gotta deal with the cars and utilities now. Still stressed but not terrified of having no way to even call 911. I'm just glad that store isnt that far. Usually takes me 10 minutes to drive there. Can't do that on foot. lol

I'm surprised. I know there are food pantries here and not one in that list. Everything close are miles away and you can only get there by freeway That's really weird.

THANK YOU!!

That man has been through a lot. I'm so sad about his son. And most people don't give him much credit, but I like him. He's down to earth and acknowledges his mistakes. Very sad for his family.

TooSoon sent you a pm. Thank you sooooo much. The reason I haven't answered others is because throuthe pages jump around on my phone. The curser jumps, I lose a rare connection and get knocked off. I'd kill for a cigarette and a pot of coffee right now. Good think Dakotah hides in his room. I'm not good company right now.

Hard to get in here on my phone. I don't have internet so have to use the fb app and go through the group and use the link. Sometimes it works most times it doesn't. I've joined fb groups for jobs. Most I can't get to without a car. When I could I still get nothing. I hurt like crazy when I wall. Its getting hotter and I don't know how much ill be able to walk then. I've worked hard to find something before the heat hits. It's 90 today. Not bad but slows me down. I've tried gardening for 4 years. Nothing but a handful if tomatoes has ever grown. Thing is it was a beefstake plant. I used to plant things all the time. Flowers are no problem but we can't eat them. I've just always wanted to have something I can't usually afford and now things we have yo have. Neighbors on with sides have gardens. I started mine first. Plants aren't big enough to put in the ground. But I'm trying. Do I pray? From the time I wake up and all day long. I have phobia. Phones, riding with someone else driving, buses, leaving my house. I'm trying to deal with those but its getting worse. I've had 5 major strokes that cause my brain to hemmoragh and bleed. A brain tumor a kidney disease and I can't get SSDI. But I can visit that office and be in a cubicle and hear 5 or more people around me talking about how they messed up with rehab and how they need to check back in and workers telling them they get their checks released asap. I get told ti try different jobs. Things I've been told in the past to not do if I don't want to cause another stroke. I haven't seen any if those doctors in over 10 years. I've tried to stay alive on my own and the last 2 strokes we were sent to a doctor that wouldn't listen when I said all her damn med were keeping me sick. She laughed. I haven't found a good one since, so I don't go. I'm since stressed out over money I can't function. Without a car I have a very limited area to walk to to apply. Most tell me to apply online. I can't even do that anymore. I don't live in a very good area. My block has actually gotten better. No more gang bangers and drug dealers. But walk off my block and its a different story. No way could I carry a laptop somewhere to use internet. If I did for a while when I could drive but I'm not dying over being robbed. I don't go places or do things unless its with family. Its not like I spend money on things. He'll I haven't bought a new pair if Walmart jeans since after Bill died cause I first lost then gained weight. I own 3 pairs. I have to borrow a belt from Dakotah's skinny but to keep them up. I was them and hang them it to dry and I see light through them. My tank tops are all hanging, most are have holes and so thin its unattractive ...very. ignore I been over I'm naked. I I moved in here thinking we'd be living into a big house again soon. I bet I've got clothes buried in there that look new, but even though I had a way to get to them before I never had gas in a tank. Just every day I wake up and know this is going to be the day something happens. It happens alright. Something else shows up that the I.ly way to make it go away is money. I've tried selling things I have.making things to sell looking into direct sales...Anything. But I get nothing. I want to buy a bar. I'm to old and ugly to stand behind one, but I know how to run one. I don't really drink. I'm saving that fir my daughters wedding in July and doing shots till u drop, cause .... I don't know the cause...just doing it. But I bet I can make a profit, cause ill be watching all those people with their SSDI checks filling my register. Seems like other than dealing them drugs, its the only way I'd get a check. And I don't don't think everyone who has a problem shouldn't get help, I'm just frustrated. And the fact I had a husband that hated when I did work cause he was the provider absolutely sucks. The second to the last job I had I had ffor a total iof 10 years. I quit and a couple years later I went back when the owner begged me because she was getting ripped off. But that job paid cash. Doesn't show up be benefits cause I didn't earn any and puts a huge gap in my work history. But I tell you what. I'd sure do it right now. Gotta rub something into my back and leg. All I've gotten done is take my little Minnie out to potty and I hurt to bad to move. Funny I'm exhausted

I'm so sorry. I'm sure everywhere everyone is tired of my bitching and whining. I just needed to let some of it out. I know it seemed like a lot, but that's just part and I'm so so tired. And before the board, I only had Bill to listen to me. Guess this is why. He was the only one I felt like was listening. No one just lets me rant and talk. I have no real friends. Just stupid posts to people I've nnever met and they're the oonly ones that seem to matter to me. I only see my kids once in a while and when I open my mouth, the eyes roll. One of these days I'm gonna snap and their heads will roll instead. I hate being lonely and to stressed to be around them. Got long again huh? Love you guys. Ill try messages again later. Didn't give me a reply button. Thank you for caring.

Shit I can't even control this board! What kind of loser can't post in a board?? Look at that crap! It went crazy and wouldn't clear up, so had to post it. I give up. Really. I thought that rant would make me feel better and now I know the problem. Complete IDIOT!!

I'm sorry guys. I'm a little better, but back to crying. I just feel likIe I'm nothing. Ii stopped posting on the board, because I just couldn't get anywhere and how do you fall that far in front of people you want to see get through this? I hadn't told anyone I was applying for jobs, because I wanted to just announce I had one. Know how many applns I filled out before Bill died? ONE!ONE stinking application ever!! Jobs were offered or handed to me. Now I have nothing to live one. DIC pays rent. I've sold a lot of my birds, thousands of dollars worth, for 80 buck!! If I didn't have what I do now, we wouldn't have eaten since April. Chicken maybe 6 times and the rest, fridge eggs! I'm stretching feed to just keep them alive. They stopped laying. My dogs are looking at me like I'm something to eat. I spent all of money for bills last month to pay for insurance for my truck. They had a hold on it since November due to no insurance. Were at the window paying the overdue registration and they tell me after all that, it could be 2-4 weeks for tags. I'm about to cry and Kotah and I get texts. He read his and then showed me. We have to upgrade our phones. I have a family plan, so we go to see about getting a free one and just paying tax and it has to be all 3 at once. Not only that, phones would be free, but their tax??? $100!... So we had decided when I spent the money to release the truck, we'd go out collecting recycling with it. Make it back, pay the dam phone fees, pay the bills and get more insurance to get my car released. I get a letter saying the truck was released and my tags would be mailed. yay....I get the next letter and they put another friggen hold on the truck because noinsurance on the car and I hadn't got it released. So I'm dying out here still walking and getting nowhere. I've had 2 job interviews in almost 4 years. Last one I left home at 6:30 am to get there before 9 and made it 2 minutes early. I didn't get seen till after 3. They had already filled positions by 10. I walked 16 miles and my old ass isn't getting stronger, I hurt worse. I had every utility set to be turned off. I turned off cable, phone and internet in November. Shit ....Still owe them 350 bucks...grrrrrr Everywhere we can walk to seems to only want online apps or you have to speak Spanish or be certified in something. Yeah, crap. I've never gotten an app finished before an hour and that's the limited time at the library and another long ass walk. Thing is, when I have to get anywhere, its far. I can't move for days sometimes after. I wanna work"! I want to be able to pay my bills and still eat. The positive side is I've lost 20 pounds, but now I look like a baggy bag lady. Got sidetracked. So in March my oldest daughter picks me up and pays all of my utility bills, plus 50 bucks on each one. I has credit and like $21 I had to pay on one last month. Breathing room and still screwed. Today I get a Bill from the same damn place. $136 with a disconnect notice!!! WTF ?!??? I call and have a fit, so I havebefore its due,so I'll have to pay that!! I can't take a bus anywhere, they cost money. I have zip by the 2nd of the month. One of my daughters put $40 in the bank last week, which id how we bought chicken. We've bought milk, bread, chicken and sugar. Oh and potatoes. Forgot about those. Only thing close to a vegetable for 3 months other than a can of green beans I saved to have on Dakotah's birthday. He was so excited. Over fucking beans!!! Since I haven't found work I tried selling things . That cost me $15 when someone walk her damn sandals through my yard and stepped in cat shit i!! It wasn't even my cat!! Gang banging beotch . There's so much more... I can't even explain how much more. And I can't get hired for wearhouse, grocery stores, nothiI hate this. Who knows ng. Why?? Because I'm not worth it. I'm really, just not worth it. I'm s 10th days. Shit I had a fing month to make $100 and I'm nowhere!!!! And now""!" The registration is due on my car next week, so no insurance to be able to put it in a non op be f

I'm going to walk to the store with my son and get bread. So sick of bread and eggs, I'd probably bleed it. Think I needed yo cry. Gonna run cold water over my head. I feel like shit.

Its not one of those days. Been almost 5 years and when I have another,one of those days, it means it was a good day. Almost 5 years! No one will hired me. SSDI .sent me to their doctor twice and she couldn't believe it didn't go through the first time. I've put in probably closer to 2000 applications Thames 10000. I m useless to everyone. My kids have helped me here and there, till they sent making it. I'm tired, but I have to keep thinking of ways to make money, but NOTHING WORKS!!! I am just taking up space. I have no idea why I haven't gone yet, because I am so useless and the only person that didn't think so is dead!!!!

I've tried coming in and posting and never get in. I think.k its a sign

Stupid phone I can't maneuver on here. I just don't know why I'm getting nowhere. I just can't find a way out. My kids have tried, I'm nerve caught up. Never. I'm so sick if trying and it gets worse. I'm terrified I'm going to have another stroke. I'm not going to make it next time. I've made it to many times and you can't keep tempting faith.