I found him, my soulmate, the love of my life. What we had was so far beyond what either of us had ever experienced before. I was totally going to marry him.
We went through some really difficult shit. Business partnership implosions (with other people), a toxic and depressed ex (mine), my kids struggling with anxiety and depression over that. It all took its toll on our relationship. We both knew it did. We fought to keep and rediscover what we once had. But it just kept slipping through our fingers and I didn't know how to stop it. Neither did he.
Eventually I found he'd been bullshitting me, trying to create the illusion that everything was going to be alright, that he'd scored a job that was going to solve everything, went for several interviews ... except the job never existed. I hit the roof, asked him to leave. A few fibs is one thing; a really elaborate deliberate deception I just couldn't stomach.
He was calm but I know he was completely distraught. It rips my heart out to make anyone that sad, but I just couldn't see a way through. If I'd known he was about to die, I'd never have put him through the agony ...
He didn't have anywhere to go. It was heartbreakingly sad and pitiful. I hugged him and said please work it out. I still care, but I can't be with a guy who is a passenger.
He developed an upset stomach, was throwing up, loose stools too. Nothing that unusual, except that one day he showed me his stomach was really bloated. I said he needed to see a dr because it looked like a seriously irritated digestive system to me. As always, he refused. No health insurance, but also, he hated drs, avoided them, lied to them and told them he was fine.
I shrugged sadly, exasperated (we'd had this conversations so many other times when he'd felt sick), then left to take my kids to visit family. We'd be gone a week. I needed the break. I figured we would talk some more when I got back. I was really concerned about him though; he kept ignoring his health issues and in hindsight probably hadn't been telling me all his symptoms.
I got back a week later to find him dead on the bathroom floor. The bloated stomach had been internal bleeding. I still kick myself for not realizing this.
We weren't married, although we had lived together more than 2 years. We were still very close friends, and he knew I was still the person who cared about him more than anyone else in the world.
His siblings didn't know we'd broken up, but stupidly my first instinct was to tell them, so that they'd be his next of kin and have to deal with the aftermath. A few days later I regretted it, felt like I'd just thrown him under the bus, exposing him as a relationship failure when they really didn't need to know that. I took over the arrangements for his cremation.
He had fallen out with his siblings, used up all his lifelines with them over the years. At the memorial it was clear they just didn't care, were relieved he was gone. That made me so sad.
He left no will. So, his siblings will get all he had. He'd be absolutely incensed at that, but it's his own stupid disorganized fault. And mine for not committing to him. Not that I could.
All this was 4 months ago.
I may have broken up with him, so I suppose some people (his siblings, his ex) think that any grief on my part is fake and disingenuous, but you know, he was still an important part of me and I miss him terribly.
And although I hated that he'd lied to me, now it is more a sadness that he didn't feel able to share the truth with me. He was really just doing anything he could to stay with me because he adored me and was lost without me. [There is a lot more to this; it wasn't a simple "move out and be single" situation; he would have had to leave the country, and die alone - that's how he saw it, and he was right really. So sad.]
I've been seeing a therapist, knew immediately that I'd need some landing flaps with this. But it's hard and I am struggling to pick myself up. I know they say there is no timeline for grief, but it only eases ever so slowly and TBH some days it feels like full blown depression. I worry I am infecting my kids with it.
I'm a long way from family, have very few friends (because we spent literally all of our time together). I've tried MeetUps, am going to keep doing that. I work from home, alone. I try to go for a walk every morning. I try music and candles with essential oils to lift the mood of the place. House and home office are semi-messy; my projects are behind, especially the ones I want to get done for me.
I don't know what I'm asking here ... any tips? Or maybe I just need to offload. Thanks for listening.