Two weeks ago today, my husband and best friend of 18 years went to heaven after a courageous fight with stage 4 colon cancer. I feel like I am sleepwalking through life, having bouts of crying uncontrollably and then just sitting and staring into space. He was only 48, and he was, as I always told him, my heartbeat. He made me laugh every day. He made me feel safe and protected and valued. I tell him every day that I love him, and I pray that he can hear and feel my love. He passed away at home under Hospice care. They were amazing and did everything to ease his pain. His liver finally succumbed to the tumors, and I am having trouble getting those last days out of my mind. He stopped being able to speak in the last days, but we gathered around him and talked and told Chad stories. We talked to him and showered him with love. In his last 12 hours, his lungs filled with fluid. Hospice told us this may happen, and that it was difficult for caregivers to experience, but that Chad would not feel pain. Those last 12 hours haunt me. It sounded like he was drowning, and I have never in my life felt such emotional and physical pain as hearing him breathing that way. I prayed from 10:00 that evening until God finally called him home at 8:55 the next morning. "Please, God," I cried, "please rescue him from this." I am so glad I was with him, and that he could be in the home we built together, but those hard memories still pierce my heart. Now I try to get through each day without my soulmate. Today I tried to go to the grocery store. Walked to the front doors, knew I couldn't do it, and turned and came home. I miss him so much it hurts. I told him again and again in the last days that his heart and mine would be forever connected. I believe that, but I miss his laugh and his presence so much. I had his wedding band shrunk to fit my finger, and now it is on my middle finger next to my wedding ring. How do we live without the most important person in our lives? I don't know how to do this.