Sera

It's been over 2 years since my husband died, and I thought it might help someone if I wrote down the things I found to help me at the beginning. Firstly, I remember how physical it was. From the moment I learned he was dead, it felt like a physical crack was violently opening in my life. I could almost hear it. And I definitely felt the shockwaves that flowed from it. In the first week, I couldn't eat or sleep. Eating was unbearable because I was constantly feeling nauseated as if I was on a neverending nightmarish loop of an amusement park ride. Sleeping was impossible since each time I would close my eyes, even blinking, I would see flames and hear such loud screams as if I was peeping into a classic version of hell. I started drinking red wine before bed, to be able to fall asleep. While I was able, at a certain point, to fall asleep, I was waking up exhausted and hungover. Drinking also contributes to a bad emotional state. I knew I had to find another solution. Sleeping pills were for me out of the question since I had bad experiences with them before and don't trust pills in general. Also, they are addictive and I was trying to prevent a situation in which I am dependant on something. A friend of my husband saw me one evening and realized I had sleeping issues, and pulled out a small bag of weed. Mind you where I live weed is legal. I never enjoyed smoking as it made me overthink and just generally weird, but I tried it that night and it worked like magic. I fell asleep very easily, and the quality of my sleep was better. I woke up almost normal. After that, I did some research and realized using a vaporizer is a better option, since it doesn't burn and doesn't hurt the lungs, and releases less THC. My friends gathered together an bought me a vaporizer for my birthday. And I can say that it has saved my life. I now have a way to deal with any sleep issues. This method doesn't have any side effects besides eating a bit of sweets. I make sure I get the Indica kind which is calmer and doesn't winds up the brain. I make sure it is clean and preferably organic. Now, after more than 2 years, I have trouble enjoying my life. The weed helps with that too. I can suddenly be more relaxed, friendlier, light-spirited and sweet like I used to when my husband was alive. Also, I recommend eating well. I didn't, for around 6 months, and no matter how healthy I eat since those first 6 months, all of the weight I gained then is staying and is very much interfering with living my life better. I didn't have anyone to cook for me, but if you might have someone that can help with the food - use that! ❤️

I had the exact same issues with getting groceries. It was unbearable at the beginning. After about 6 months, it started to be manageable. My advice is to ask people for help, even when it feels uncomfortable or exaggerated. I live in a different country than the rest of my family, so I didn't really have anyone to ask help from. Also, I was very bad at asking for help. I learned to get over it and just ask. But for me, the most awful moments outside were when I would see someone that reminded me of my husband, visually, and I would get so angry, homicidal mad really, from rage that my husband died and not this "loser" I was looking at on the street. My husband was such a unicorn, such an impossible man to exist to begin with, I was just enraged he died so young and brilliant while those regular men continued to live their mediocre lives. I know that's incredibly mean, but that's what I felt. I still have rage in me, and a lot of it is because of the way my husband died. I don't compare people to him anymore, because it won't lead to anything good. I am very thankful I have our little boy, who carries in him the greatness his father had. I am very lucky for that.

Dear All, Thank you so much for your encouraging and supportive replies. I haven't started actively looking for a therapist, as I am waiting for things to be a bit more stable and certain points in my life to fall into place. Mike: I've only had bad or unnecessary experience with them, so I am basing my opinions only on that. I do find that vaporizing marijuana is the best option for me to fall asleep easily without any side effects. I must say it is also the biggest opportunity to feel joy at the moment, as my life quality has colossally lessened since Gabi's death and there aren't as many moments of enjoyment or lightheartedness. I don't know how many of you considered this when in need of assistance, but I really recommend it (smoking doesn't do much good, as the burning process creates a bit of a different effect. Vaporizing is very easy going and the THC isn't as much activated). Abitlost: I think that is a good option, I had a wonderful therapist back home and would check that option. Thank you. Love2Fish: I appreciate your support! But what you are describing is one of my biggest fears - to have to wait 50 miserable years to finally be able to enjoy life. I saw my grandmother go through it and she is at 80 finally enjoying a relationship with a man (after 20 years of being unable to date) and this relationship is actually quite unhealthy and she is becoming very forgetful, so that is not something I wish for myself or anyone. I am happy for her but she definitely deserves better. But I thank you for telling me a bit of your story.

Hello all, I am new here and have been widowed since November 2016. I am raising our son alone, and live in a different country than my family. I do have very good friends that have helped me immensely during this time but they are all very young (as am I) and cannot imagine what I am going through. I am writing because I think I need to start looking for professional help, and would love to have any advice from any of you... My husband died very suddenly, while I was with our son on a trip. It was a shock and I somehow got through the past 2 and a half years raising our now 7-year-old. My son and I are very close, and generally, we spend our time together. He has no babysitter and I don't usually spend much time without him unless I'm working. Last night he slept over a friend's place and it is one of the rare moments I find myself alone, with my thoughts and emotions, and I am mostly crying and feeling simply sad and lost. Much like I felt at the very beginning only less dizzy with physical/emotional unbearable pain. My pain is now bearable, but somehow it feels like a technicality and still not an emotional state of someone who can lead a happy and full life. I think I need to start talking to a professional, since I really believe in the power of therapy. I live in Berlin, where I speak the language in a lower level than I would like, and I find that and the general situation of the health care here, making it very difficult to find a good therapist. I think I might not be able to feel again, or at least it'S going to take several good years before I do, and it is a quite scary and discouraging thought. I feel I am wasting away my youth, I am only 33 and have spent almost 3 years feeling dead inside. It is quite distracting and makes it difficult to work full time and also be a sweet, happy mother. I know I have to find a therapist but I am finding it difficult. In the first few weeks after my husband died, I found a local therapist that spoke my language. It took all of my strength to find him, schedule a meeting and show up. When I told him about my situation, the first thing he asked was why not take pills to help me sleep and manage my emotions etc. I was shocked and realized this therapist was not the right one for me. I am very careful about staying away from any substances that change my perception, and I had enough experience with prescribed medication to know I cannot behaviourally afford to be on any pill while being completely alone with a small child. I don't even know what it is I want to write here. "Got any tips?", maybe... Thanks in advance.