MrsDan

I'm sorry. These are the types of things that I feel like only other widows can understand, especially the tires.

But I have to tell you this, because it's kind of crazy. Right after I read your post I was walking down the street and I looked up and noticed a mailbox. All the other mailboxes have addresses on them but this one read HOPE. Now, there's a church across the street and I think it might be called hope and that is their mailbox. But I walk down that street almost every day and I never noticed that mailbox before. But today I looked up and there it was "HOPE". Maybe it's a message for you.

Not sure exactly where you are in NC but I googled food pantries in NC and came up with a few hits:

http://www.foodpantries.org/st/north_carolina

http://www.foodbankcenc.org/site/PageServer?pagename=FBCENCHome

I don't think they're as stringent as government agencies when it comes to qualifying. The way public assistance is set up is total bullshit. I'm also wondering if there are any medical trials you could find that would help with your medications. I offer these suggestions with the understanding of how hard it is to follow through on suggestions when you are grieving. Finding the motivation to do things even things you have to do or know might help is so hard. Your kids' lack of appreciation when you are trying so hard must be tough too. Do they have jobs? Maybe they should get them and contribute to the food budget if they are so unhappy with the fare. Or give  them the money and tell them to go to the store and figure out how to stretch it for the week. I'm not a big proponent of tough love and that is not what I am suggesting but it sounds like they could really use some perspective.

I have not had the financial trials you are facing but there are a lot of similarities between the circumstances of our husbands' death so I get that piece of it. We were all under stress, but their way of coping launched the two of us into a pain and turmoil that they couldn't have conceived. They couldn't cope, because of their disease, but somehow we have to cope with something far worse. When I am dealing with logistical challenges or DD is being difficult, those are the times when I am most angry at him. There was one time my family room flooded and I was out in the pouring rain digging a trench trying to divert the water away from the house. I was saying, "I hope you're happy, I hope it was worth it."

Well, the procedure's tomorrow. I'm nervous but hopeful she'll get some relief.

Pajamas after a very long hard day. DD seems to have completely given up naps. Went to the grocery store, ear doctor, kid's party, dog walk. Ran into a very good friend of Dan's who informed me she's getting a divorce. Had the sensation of wanting to tell Dan, then the sensation that he should be the one telling me. DD had fun at the party but she's been crabby and clingy lately and I can't tell if it's because her ears are bothering her or if it's because I've coddled her too much now that she's been sick for so long.

That's right, it's widda's first FOH Friday! For the uninitiated, that's Fuck Outta Here to those people in our lives who we just cannot even with this week who seriously need to just FOH. A bit redundant to the fu thread? Perhaps. But I like seeing regular threads, and I see this as being more about lighthearted and petty shit that on their face of it may seem ridiculous to complain about given all we've already been through. So here goes.

To the men who in 20fucking15 STILL insist on holding and disseminating their sexist and chauvinistic views. Yes, I have a vagina AND can use a pallet jack. Call the Vatican and get in line for sainthood; you've just witnessed a miracle. Fuck outta here!

All the sites that now charge for services they used to offer for free, fuck outta here! (Totally unfair of me, but that's what FOH is all about!

To my buddy's employer who's laying him off, fuck outta here!

To members of the board of a certain nonprofit who stripped people of an essential service with no warning who in short pulled their own FOH, fuck outta here!

Well, another crap day at work so that makes me feel (slightly) less freaked out about an alternative.

I knew this would pose a lot of logistical challenges. I was, and still am concerned on the impact of this on DD and my ILs. What really threw me was how the enormous impact on my grief the prospect of another move is having. I can understand the first move; that intensity I anticipated but this?

My BIL and his wife are so excited about this he offered to drive to my house (it's a 5 hour drive) pick me, DD and dogs up and bring us there and then drive us back. When I told them, my SIL immediately offered to let us stay there until we find a place. Despite the fact that they have a new baby and one of their dogs hates one of mine. They always try to help when they are in town. And they adore DD. They have two little boys. Their first was born the day after Dan died. Which means he's only two months apart in age from DD. I wouldn't plan to rely on them too much with childcare, unless it's something they offer. But I also know they've made friends there so there's a wider support network. I also have a friend who lives in the area as well. Another went to the grad school attached to this institution and knows it really well.

So right now I'm just figuring out how to get through the logistics of getting to the interview. DD has her appointment with the ear specialist, so I'm just hoping there's no conflict that arises with any procedures she might need.

I am MrsDan. I wrote this on YWBB 10/13/2012.

"It was two weeks ago today that my husband died from liver failure. We're both 35. We met when we were 21 and were married 5 years. Our daughter turned three months old yesterday."

Lots of people here know a lot more of the story. Apologies to newer folks, but I just can't repeat the whole story right now. Well, maybe not ever, since I doubt I'll ever know the whole story, but you know what I mean. Thanks Jess for setting up this site!

Anything Bruce Springsteen did with the E Street band. Clarence Clemons!

Morphine

Roxy Music

INXS.

Since you put a caps on ROCK, I suppose ska isn't an option?

I've hesitated about sharing this, as it involves work, and I don't really like to post about that here because I worry about privacy. But now it's reached a point where I need to talk about it with people who get it.

My commute make my work situation very difficult with a toddler and two dogs. It's an hour+ each way. I knew that would be the case when I moved, that my already long commute would be even longer. But I had to get out of "our" town, still retain proximity to my mom and ILs, reside in a good school district, and have a house, not a condo. That didn't leave a whole lot in my price range. I can't have DD in daycare for the 11+ hours I'm away each day, so my mom and ILs pick her up and watch her for a few hours in the afternoon. I installed a doggie door, but following a few noise complaints I've had to keep it off until my mom or ILs arrive to turn it on. So they're stuck inside a (large) room all day until they get there. I am constantly rushing DD out the door in the mornings so I can leave work early enough to be home in time to have dinner with her, and then we have an hour tops together before she goes to bed. The weather and other factors often throw a wrench into everything.

I've applied to other jobs in my field that are closer. But there just aren't that many, and my field is very, very competitive. I found only four worthwhile jobs nearby to apply to, and landed only one interview in the past two years. Recently I applied to a job out of state. I'd told myself I wouldn't leave until all the grandparents are gone. I don't want to take her away from them, particularly my ILs, or them from her. This job however, is near my BIL and his family. I figured if I had to be far away, at least my IL's grandkids would be together so they could visit them all at once. And there is value I think to DD being near her uncle and cousins. I felt guilty, but didn't think anything would come of it. Well, it did. I got a phone interview, then another and now they want me to interview onsite in a couple weeks.

In short, I am now freaking out. Not necessarily about the things I thought I would. I'm weirdly upset about leaving this house. He never lived here. But it weirdly feels like if I did this, I'm leaving him and our life behind. What's worse, lately I'm feeling like that's what Dan wants, that he doesn't want me anymore. After he died, I made the decision that I would continue our life; I would raise our child the way we would have. I would stay the course until we could be together again. I still feel that way, but I feel this pressure, a lot of it coming from the grief and widow community to shut the door on my previous life and move on. I realize my approach probably isn't considered healthy, but I really think it's right for me. But there are so many things that make me feel like people, or theories about grief are trying to rend me further away from him. If I make this move I feel like I'm giving in to that. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but maybe it will here. There's also the enormous logistics of moving, selling the house. It's too daunting, at a time when I can't even pull together the motivation to get everything together to just get my taxes done.

The thing is, it's enormously difficult to break into this type of position into this type of museum. Having this on my resume could open a lot of doors down the line. The cost of living there is much lower, so even if I made the same, I'd essentially be making more. My BIL lives about 45 minutes from this museum. I could potentially try to find something close to him, or there are affordable areas between the two. They are both excited about the prospect of us moving there. I don't know if watching DD is something they'd entertain, but even if it wasn't, they'd be available to help sometimes. There are other aspects of my current job that are difficult as well. I started here two weeks after I got married. I often have to go back to projects I worked on when he was alive. It's so so hard. But my boss also cuts me a lot of slack. Still, there is only so much slack that can be cut, you know? I can do some work at home, but really, I need to be onsite most of the time.

DD and dogs spent the last two nights at my ILs, I was horribly sick the last two days and with that and them not being around I was completely in my own head. Whenever I have something I'm anxious about it pushes me deeper into the depths of grief. I feel like I've grieved harder and deeper for him the past two days than ever. I had two dreams where I was trying to reach him and he didn't want anything to do with me. I miss him. All this time later and I still can't believe he's dead. One of the big reasons I've been so desperate to change my situation is that I wanted to open the possibility of having another child with one of our frozen embryos. But the depths of despair I'm in seem to shut the door on that too; I'm in no emotional condition to have another child. Maybe I'm in no emotional shape to make this kind of move either. There's also the enormous logistics of moving, selling the house.

The thought occurred to me that I could rent out my house, and keep the option of coming back in a few years open. My BIL told me I might come for the visit and absolutely hate it, and then the decision is made for me. It's also possible they won't offer me the job at all, or make an offer that won't make it worth it for me. So I realize I may be getting myself worked up over nothing. But I worry about the professional ramifications of declining an offer. This whole thing is throwing me into an even deeper grief tailspin than I imagine (Because I can never imagine it possibly getting worse and then it does.) so I really just had to get this out. Apologies for the length.

I'm sorry, it's such a hard day.

Thank you all so much, it helps to hear from other parents who've gone down this road.

I don't take issue with the fact that they decided to shut it down. I take issue with how they did it. Here you have a group of people who have sustained tremendous trauma. Among them people who lost their spouses suddenly. Spouses who went to work, or the hospital and never came home. There were people there who woke up or came home to find their spouses gone. Their whole lives obliterated without warning. Many due to the nature of their spouse's death feel completely abandoned. And they crawled their way towards something to just help them push through, and find the rug pulled out from them yet again. I'm sorry but that is bullshit. It's inexcusable.

I always checked ywbb after putting DD to bed. For some reason, that night I checked Facebook first, and saw a friend's posting about it. Soon I saw what Jess had done. If I had gone to ywbb and been hit with that, it would have been very bad for me. I also find the notion that we would just find our way disingenuous. If they really cared about us forging a new community, they would have given us abheads up to give us the opportunity to do that. Not everybody has PMs, or necessarily made "friends" there yet. Because your self esteem takes a hit when you're widowed and making new friends can be difficult. I worry about the people I never told how much they were valued and accepted and how they may feel being left out in the cold. I work in non profit; I understand hard decisions. But I really don't see how they can justify the way they handled this.

Mine was when a fellow young widow told me "to look in the mirror" when I lamented on the other board that I would probably never know the reasons behind my DH's suicide.

But Linda gets the prize for getting the biggest asshole comment.

Ya'll ready for me to take the prize here? A year later I can laugh, but wow....

So my husband died 11/23/13, his body came back from Saudi Arabia 1/6/14, and he was finally laid to rest at Fayetteville State Veteran's Cemetery 1/17/14.  I live about 45 minutes away from Fayetteville. One of my childhood friends lives there now. We're talking like elementary school. Didn't go through middle school or high school together because he moved.  When he moved back to NC as an adult we picked back up a facebook friendship and he came to visit me once while Chad was in Saudi and helped me with a car issue. Chad's death was complicated by the overseas thing and there were lots of details over 6 weeks that were mind boggling.  Trey helped with some of that since he lived where I was burying Chad. So fast forward to the day of the funeral. Outdoors, January 17th, military honors. We were in a committal shelter but it was COLD.  Trey put his coat around my shoulders, which was a nice gesture. I was just completely strung out. I ended up kneeling in the dirt after they buried him and just couldn't get up. He took a pic of me then which I thought was weird. Later, we all went to his restaurant he managed. He is a 5 star chef and it was FANCY.  He comped the bill for all of us ... like 20 people.  Long story short, the people I was spending the night with weren't feeling well and I had left my truck at their house. I asked Trey if he would take me back to the cemetery, I just wanted to go back for a few minutes and he said he would. We get there and it's dark and cold and he is standing behind me with his arms around me which I was fine with. UNTIL he turned me around, KISSED me with tongue..........and tried to run his hand UP my dress.  Yup right there at the fresh grave.

 

Do I get an award for most obnoxious encounter in widowhood?  UGHHH......

Ummmm, yes.

I'm of a mixed mind. I have 116 pages of posts over there, and I thought about saving some, but it seems logistically and emotionally daunting.

I belong to some widows groups on Facebook and several people are asking about the new site. Would it be okay to do a general post pointing folks in this direction or would you prefer that we message people privately?

Has anybody's kids have to have ear tubes put in? DD has had several ear infections (they've basically been infected for the past two months) and she's seeing a specialist on Saturday. The whole idea of the procedure scares me (especially her going under) but I'm just as scared about her constantly getting antibiotics. The current round is doing a number on her tummy.