powbesh

MR, do you really think meds would be a lifetime thing? I'm using marijuana, valium, celexa, & wine. Nothing really helps, I want something stronger.

Today I left the house to pick up a new pair of glasses. I ordered them the morning of his first day in the hospital (Jan 11) & just picked them up today. It was awful. Nothing seems real to me. Nothing matters. I'm just a zombie going thru the motions of a living person. He died one week ago today. I'm trying a lot of different things to dull the pain: wine, valium, marijuana, nicotine, celexa, hell, I'm even taking oxybutynin. After all, it's a drug, right? Where do I go from here? Even if I decide to end it all, I don't want to do it until I've liquidated our assets and made a donation to a charity in his memory. Meanwhile, I just want to feel a little bit better. I don't want to suffer.

Thank you, Abitlost. For now, I can barely put one foot in front of the other. And food tastes like paper. But this community gives me something to lean on & I am so grateful to you & others who are teaching me ways to soothe the pain. Maybe reaching out, itself, is a good sign. I don't really know, but will find out in time.

You're very kind. You've also taught me I'm not the only one who abandons things like food & hygiene! There has been deep pain from other losses in my life, but nothing compares to this. This is a pain that takes everything away from me.

MR, I can drink lots of water (and wine) but eating is the thing I cannot do. Food just tastes like nothing to me & I have no appetite at all. Am wondering how long it takes before I'll starve to death.

LTSLforever, your message did not seem long at all to me! Can you please tell me what your psychiatrist prescribed? I've been using a antidepressant for a decade because that's how long I've been sole caregiver for my precious Richard. Now he's gone, and those pills are doing NOTHING for me. Maybe I can ask my GP about the meds you're using now. Can't leave the house yet. Can't even bathe. Can only sit & think about when & how to liquidate all possessions and then find a way to end the pain forever. I would love to PM you, but, alas, I don't know how to do that. Maybe you could teach me?

Thank you, trying2breathe. You felt exactly what I'm feeling now, that if I die that will be fine with me. Wherever he is, that's where I'll be, even if it's nowhere. If I can just hang on, then maybe I can help others who go thru this brutal pain.

Was there a point where you wanted to die & join the one you lost? It seems like there's no reason for me to go on. I have no kids, no family. But I don't know the best way to die.

Thank you for your words of comfort & support. I need all the help I can get as I am sure all the broken hearts on this site need.

This is brutal. I never knew how different life in general would seem to me until I lost my beloved husband. Right now, I really don't care if I die & I don't care if that feeling stays with me until I can do something to end it. We were married 37 years, and we had no children. It was just he & I, especially after we both entered retirement. After that, we were together almost 24/7. And now, that part of me is gone. I'm still in OUR home but it just seems empty now, even tho I see us together in every inch I see around me. Maybe I'm not making much sense right now, but I'm just trying to get something down on paper, even if it's virtual paper.