HayleyNicole

I have been in therapy, but my therapist was actually Patrick’s therapist as well. Going to therapy is painful and I don’t want to tell her about the self-harm because I know she will put me in a hospital. I’m also afraid of calling a hotline out of fear of them reporting me. I am scared of myself a lot of the time. It hurts living like this.

CW: Mental illness, Suicide, Self Harm My partner of 6 years passed away on 1/30 and even though it was a suspected accidental car crash, he did suffer from a plethora of mental illness. The three most prominent were PTSD, Chronic Depression (with suicidal ideation), and Social Anxiety. I had been diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety while in high school, but as I became his caregiver, my illness did not manifest as much anymore. Beyond the extreme grief that I’m dealing with, I have become much more suicidal than I have ever been before. I will be honest here, I have been hurting myself. I really don’t know what to do and I don’t want to go to a hospital because I’ll miss his service (the car caught fire, we don’t have his remains yet). I am angry with myself because I feel so ridiculous. I feel like all of the illnesses that he had are being passed to me. I’ve always been an extrovert, but I can’t stand the thought of people. I’m such a different person now and I really don’t know what to do or say. I hate living like this. What can I do to hold on until the service, and hopefully longer?

My family won’t leave me alone, despite how much I want them to. Also my best friend Brian has been staying over, but he kind of makes it worse because we were all so close to each other. I’m sorry you are going through this too, I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.

I’ll start this post by saying that me and Patrick never married, we were waiting until after college so we could afford a nice wedding out of state. We were broke and in love, I had picked out a ring, but again, we were broke. Our whirlwind relationship started on October 7, 2012 with him living in Maryland at the time. He moved in three months later and for the next 6 years, we were completely inseparable. I know you guys hear this all the time, but I have never met anyone nearly as close as him and I. Sadly, Patrick was plagued by mental illness. He suffered from complex PTSD, Major Depression, Social Anxiety, and ADHD. His life was not an easy one, and we had been in the process of therapy sessions and new medications for months. He was finally looking up, we had a plan to get him on some form of assistance due to how bad his illness was. On the night of January 29th, we had some drinks and a few laughs. Patrick was acting life his usual drunk self, he begged me to dance with him but I was so tired, I refused. He was upset with me and went to lay down in the living room. I entered the room and told him that the bed was softer and had better blankets. 10 minutes later he came in the room, he stood for a minute but since he was in the middle of an anxiety attack, he didn’t speak to me. I told him that I was sorry, and that I loved him more than anything. He smiled, grabbed a pack of cigarettes and went outside. I fell asleep, and then woke up to a call at 3:30am on January 30th saying that my car was found in a state that they wouldn’t specify on the phone. At 5am, I found out he was in it. I didn’t even know he left the house. I’m so mad that he did this, but I’m more hurt than anything. I loved that man so much more than I ever thought possible. The grief is eating me alive and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die. Now his mother, who was the cause of his PTSD, is handling all the arrangements because we didn’t marry. He hadn’t spoken to her in so long and now I have to plaster on a fake smile just to try and make this situation bearable. I miss him so much, I’m only 22 and wasn’t prepared to lose him for a very long time.