midnight_man

It is sort of weird. There were a lot of strange coincidences surrounding my wife's death. But then I think that's probably something our minds focus on sometimes when we're trying to make sense of something that you can't really make any sense of.

I came very close to getting hit by a car (it skidded and swerved out of the way) whilst crossing the road just a few streets away from where my wife was hit and killed. It happened two days before she died. I didn't tell her about it because I thought she'd be worried - now I wonder if I'd told her she might have taken extra care when crossing the road herself.

Today marks exactly six months since my wife died so I know the feeling. I wish I had some words of wisdom but it's just really shit isn't it?

So here I am, a few days away from the 6 month mark and in many ways I feel as if I'm back at square one. Life has moved on for many people and all but my closest of friends and family have resumed their usual level of contact.

In the last few weeks I have scattered my wife's ashes at the place she had requested and spent time with her family for probably the last time for quite a while. Although I feel gla that I was able to fulfil her wishes I am left with this empty feeling that everything has now been done. There are no events/tasks/requests left to be completed and so what am I supposed to do now?

For the first time since the early days I feel the overwhelming sense that I have nothing left. Getting up each morning seems increasingly pointless, as do the majority of things I do each day. I feel trapped in a career I no longer feel any connection to and stuck in a house I don't really want to live in. I wish there was something to aim for, something or someone to get up for each day but there just isn't. It's hard to see how this will ever change. In short, at six months, I feel as bad as I ever have. Not exactly what I had hoped for, but there it is.

Ahhhhhhh! 

Why it is that paypal needs to see copies of every single piece of documention I have related to my late wife's death AND documents to prove who I am to close an account, when all her bank wanted was a copy of the death certificate?!

"Just fax them to us," said the guy on the phone, as if I'm some businessman from the 1980s.

I also just managed to log in to my late wife's Etsy account only to confronted with a barrage of complaints from people who haven't received their crocheted items. I don't care about your $10 crocheted gloves you bastards!

Okay, rant over. Sorry about that.

I've been recording some songs and have asked friends to contribute some of their own towards making a little EP that we're going to release for charity, hopefully next month. I think she would have liked that. It's kept me busy over the last couple of months too.

No one wants to end up in a dildo.

Okay - I've decided third wheel is much better than fifth wheel. Fifth wheel is much worse.

I really hate being the third wheel! Some of my friends have been really great lately, inviting me out with them for a drink or meeting up for lunch etc and while it's great to spend time with them I just can't get used to being there without my wife. I find myself staring at the empty seat next to me.

When it's just two of us it feels fine, but put me with a couple and I feel really awkward. It doesn't help that everyone I know is attached too. What I wouldn't do for a few more single friends with nothing better to do than hang out with me!

Okay - rant over.

I can't begin to imagine doing my job anymore. The hours and the stress I was under aren't things I think I could cope with any more. Coming home to my wife every night made everything okay. The life we had together also gave me the purpose I needed to make it through the rough days. Now it just seems pointless. I may go back to work and ask for a completely different role to the one I used to have, but equally I might just quit for a while and have some time to try and figure out what else I might be able to do with myself.

The Lulu version of The Man Who Sold The World. Great sax.

I carry your heart - by E.E Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Hi all,

Just wanted to say I am still planning to attend this but I won't be able to book anything until nearer the time. I've no idea what is going to happen with my work between now and then, plus I have to make a trip tp the US at some point this summer. I am however really keen on coming so I aim to move around, makes excuses as needed nearer the time to make sure I'm there. I imagine I'll still be able to get a flight, it might just mean I have to get booked into to some weird fleapit hotel five miles out of the city.

Hi - still here and coming up on 3 months out. Not posting much lately but I usually check in at least once a day. Pleased that everyone has found a new home here.

I'm sorry for your loss Sandy. When my wife died a couple of months ago I often felt as if I should be more upset etc. I felt frustrated and guilty that I had only experienced a couple of occasions when this had happened. As others have said this is probably due to the shock of what has happened. Looking back, I can now see that I was in a complete daze for weeks following my wife's death. I have only felt in the last week or so that the shock of what happened is beginning to wear off. I often find myself getting upset much easier lately which is both a blessing and a curse I suppose. My only advice would be take care of yourself as best you can and spend as much time with loved ones as you are able to.