I am not sure what to say here so I will just write what is on my mind. My fiance died on her 30th birthday 16 days ago today. We had been together for 11 years and have 1 child together. She had been sick off and on for the past 3 years. I was the one who found her and I am blessed and cursed with this. As it could have been our son but I am haunted with that memory each and every day. At first, It was extremely difficult as I couldn't even step into our apartment for several days. I had the foresight to open life insurance plans for all of the use nearly 9 years ago so that was good. During the whole planning stage, of the funeral, I was in a haze and kept forgetting so much of what needed to be done what to do. I had so much to do it felt like a hole that I would never climb out along with the pain. Things have moved on since then. The funeral has come and went and everyone has had their goodbyes.
The thing is for everyone this is still a fresh wound neither of her sisters and mother is taking it well and its really affecting their lives a lot here in the last week. Me however I feel like the odd one out as I have just moments of sadness here in there and so many unexpected feelings and sometimes the lack of. I suppose I should explain and hope I'm not judged too harshly. I feel as though I have grieved or (prepared) myself for this for the past 3 years. It sounds odd but I feel as though I knew what she wanted, and how she felt. we even talked about it off and on. Towards the end, she talked more and more of the "what if" of her passing and even talked about what she wanted from me. That she wanted my son and myself to be happy and that for me to find someone at some point. To that point, I feel I will one day but it's no where near soon. I often thought of this through the past 3 years of what I would do and how I would feel and it often made me cry/sad.
This brings me to my most shameful feeling. it was the biggest surprise for me. After her passing, I was and continue to have several spikes of sexual urges. I have come to find out this is a semi-normal and side note ( I will say while she was sick off and on things did slow down or stop all together often). Which was not bothersome at the time but it really surprised me during this time after she passed. I felt so guilty for even having this issue.
My other issue for me is the loneliness. I am surrounded by people and yet feel so alone. I miss the inside jokes, the ability to look over and know we are both thinking the same thing, the intimacy in all its forms. The one thing that has helped me through a lot of this is her best friend Ill call her S. S and I have met to talk through our feelings and even gotten our children together. The kids where friends long before this so it has been easy to get them to play while we talk or hang out. S has been great for me and I hope I have been the same for her. I plan to keep going to her as it helps us both and our children adore each other.
I don't know what to expect in the future and I suppose that is why I am making this post. if anyone has any words of wisdom or advice feel free to write back.
