MissingSquish

Thank you guys so much. I am a bit better today. I had a bit of an anxiety hangover, but it’s mostly gone away. I’m focusing on the here and now and it’s the weekend.

Disclaimer, I’m widowed 5 1/2 years at this point. I’ve chosen to be single. I’ve spent many more weekend evenings alone, and I usually cherish that time to myself. I mostly have gotten into a rhythm and have r ally cultivated a wonderful life in his absence. I’ve been able to work through my anxiety, depression and PTSD with a combination of exercise, yoga and meditation. Tonight, I feel like I’m back at square 1. I’ve been in the midst of a 2 day panic attack that started with a huge fight with my boss on Wednesday. We had a similar version of the same fight today, and I am feeling extremely angry, defeated and helpless. There is no amount of excercise I did today that has helped to quell my feelings. I tried to meditate this evening and I can’t stop sobbing. I even went to my favorite local restaurant for dinner, and got to catch up with some friends there. There’s a knot in my stomach that won’t go away. It’s been such a long time since I’ve felt this way, that I almost forgot how it felt. I finally forgive myself for spending so much money on myself in the early days. Back then, I felt like this all the time. Thanks for listening to my rant. I’m hoping that the anti anxiety medication kicks in soon and I’ll finally get some relief.

Wishing you the best of luck. I'm also around 5 1/2 years out, and have had a lot of trouble with dating. I miss the companionship the most, but I've decided to give up on dating for the forseable future. I have a great support of friends and hobbies that keep me busy.

Sending my love and solidarity to everyone affected by Harvey and Irma (and possibly Jose). Our office in Boca has lost power as of this morning.

Is there something new happening in your life now? Happy, sad or stressful? You don't necessarily need to know the reason why you're getting these recurring dreams, only that your brain is reprocessing some information. I find that journaling, walking and yoga really help me to get past my recurrent dreams/nightmares. Best of luck!

I don't visit this board as much as I used to. I'm 5+ years out, and the number of widow specific experiences has diminished considerably. I don't find that I feel as alone in this experience anymore, and more of the issues that I currently struggle with are more related to life in general, and not being widowed.

Thanks for your response, Newgirl! My gynecologist wants me to bank embryos, not eggs, due to the higher success rate of unfreezing them. But that rules out having a biological child with some unforeseen husband #2.

This is kind of a random topic, but I figured some of you guys might have some experience with this. I am in my mid-thirties, widowed for over 5 years, and no partner on the horizon. I'm not into dating at all, but my biological clock is ticking, so to say. I haven't been over the moon to have kids at any point in my life, but Squish wanted them. His sperm is long off the table, lol, but I am reaching the point where I need to make a decision about my fertility. I have had a brief discussion with my gynecologist at my annual physical in January about egg/embryo freezing. I don't know anyone in my circle that has undergone this route. My plan is to keep the eggs/embryos until I decide I want to have a family (or not), and to assist people within my family if they are unable to get pregnant with their own eggs. My cousin and SIL have both had miscarriages, and have had trouble trying to conceive.

EMDR helped me a ton with my diagnosis of complicated grief. It's been 5 years since my husband passed, and I realize that I will likely always miss him, and that's ok. I've created a great life for myself since he's been gone, and I've decided that I'm not looking to get married again. The only thing that I miss now is companionship, and I've started to approach my dating life as such. I'm fine with being celibate and having meaningful friendships. What has helped me the most with my complicated grief is to learn how to self-soothe and heal. I journal my feelings every day as well as my excercise, food intake and activities. I can easily see what things help to fill me up and make me feel fulfilled and happy in my life as it is RIGHT NOW, and what is draining me and what makes me feel helpless, upset and triggers my grief.

No worries! ❤️

Accept that they won't change, only your reaction to them will. You may need more time and space away from them. There was a period of time that I didn't speak to my family, because I wasn't setting good boundaries and they weren't respecting my shitty boundaries. The reality for me was that my parents couldn't listen to me cry about how much I missed my husband. They had no idea how to deal with my grief. I started leaning on my wid friends and therapist for that. Now, I rarely speak to my parents about my husband. Instead, there are so many more things that I can connect with them on, and my husband isn't one of them. I respect what they are capable of handling and what they aren't.

Thanks all. It was really sad. I have been feeling like a second class citizen with her for a while, and the walk wasn't even the breaking point for me to end the friendship. Me not having kids is apparently very inconvenient for her. I've been excluded from quite a few events with our other "friends" from high school, because I'm the only one left without spawn. I am lucky that I have a few other good friends that are there for me.

I finally ended the friendship Thursday evening. There were a few other things that have happened in the past year that have made maintaining this friendship impossible. I sent her a quick text, saying that I cherished our friendship, but that we had grown apart. I also said that the decision was difficult. I feel sad, but relieved.

Sexy Saturday night time, wids! I'm doing my usual couch time with the dog.

Huge hugs. The dreams are hard.