maddiekayesmommy

He would've been 32 this year. This is still a hard day for me to cope with each year. The other holidays and anniversaries aren't that difficult. It's the one day a year where my brain goes down that road of, "Where would we be in life? Blah blah blah". Unfortunately I have yet to figure out how to turn that part of my brain off. I will say this for those who are new on this journey, it does get easier with time. You learn how to navigate thru the personal Hell you've been dealt. Your address book changes and you discover that you have an inner strength you never had. In my case I realized there was a bitch deep down that was tired of being a doormat. I not just changed addresses in my address book, I set the damn thing on fire and got a new one. Do what you feel you need to do to survive and to hell with what anyone thinks or says. You weren't given a manual at the funeral, so go at it the best you can. ((Hugs))

I don't know for how long... Its been over 7 years since I lost my husband and daughter. In the last 3 or 4 years I was on the old board maybe once or twice posting. I couldn't even stick around long enough to read anything. I just felt like it wasn't part of my life anymore. Many of the wids that I've met thru BAGOs and such I have on Facebook so its easier to communicate that way. I'm not having to come back to an area that for lack of a better phrase, depressed me. I'm one of those that when I saw the board was closing that I didn't frantically start saving posts, eh they can disappear into oblivion for all I care. I don't want that around for me to read. Hell, I tried reading a few posts tonight and it made my stomach turn. I had to get up from the computer and take a breather. I skimmed thru the post here in Beyond Active Grieving that everyone was putting their two cents on. I don't necessarily think that those of us further out would be scaring the newbies by posting our experiences. I remember in the first year or so reading posts from people that were further out and thinking, 'Thank God there is hope. I'm not going to feel this way forever." Now, do I feel relevant to the newly widowed? Eh, yes and no. I say that because I've moved on with life. My widowhood doesn't define me anymore,and for me of all people to say that, yeah. I went from those weeks after the accident of just wanting to put a bullet in my head to now I can think of them both and smile without going into melt down mode. Hell, I saw my in-laws for the first time in 5 years back around New Years. The same people that for years I thought were the Devil. We were all out to dinner with my friends and it was a civil outing. I didn't wanna gouge my eyes out come the end of the night. I'm registered, and may drop in every now again like a ghost in the night... You may hear from me once a year (anniversary of their death) so at least then you'll know "Oh good, she's still alive"